Custody of Son

Legal Legal - Divorce
1

Yesterday, my husband threatened to take my son away from me if I divorced him. He is Taiwanese and I am American. I am concerned he will be able to do so because I suffer from depression and as much as I have tried to get along, after my son was born, his mother and I had a huge fight about her lying and lack of safety with my son. After promising not to, she placed him on her bed, covered him in clothes because he was “cold”, and walked out and shut the door when he was two months old. She had specifically promised not to (and while this is just one incident of many, it was my breaking point). Even after I tried to remedy the situation it led to an argument where I called her an idiot and she hung up on me.

My point in sharing all of this, is I’m concerned a court will rule in my husband’s favor and grant him full custody and I would not be able to see my son again. The reason I believe it would be ruled in that way is because I have insulted his linear descendants as well as some people in Taiwan have indicated my depression would be considered a mental illness that could be harmful to my son, fulfilling two of the qualifications for a divorce in Taiwan.

This all being said, for the past few months I have been the sole provider for our family. I have always had steady work and my husband has not. I know in the USA I would be granted full custody. But given my recent experiences in Taiwan, I am very afraid that I would not.

I want to leave my husband because he has no respect for me, constantly lies so that we can’t discuss our problems and his lies have sometimes involved our finances. While he has eventually paid what I have asked him to, he often makes payments late and has even said we shouldn’t pay on our bills and has hidden bills from me. I would say the turning point was when he refused to get me care after I had my son and I couldn’t breathe when I lay down. The hospital really messed up and I spent three days trying to convince them that I wasn’t ok. I went home and got worse and my husband yelled at me that he was too tired take me to the hospital. When we eventually went in we learned that my lungs were half full of water and I was suffering from pulmonary edema and congestive heart failure. While he apologized, he told me I need to act like this event didn’t happen.

My question is: What should I do? I am willing to do joint custody but I am concerned that he will get mad at me and refuse to let me see my son. I am also concerned I won’t be able to do anything about it. Would I be able to win in court if he pushed the issue? Or, given the expense of court fees and how little his family has (the whole family is barely scraping by) do you think I would be able to use that threat against him? Or should I go back to the USA before he knows what’s going on taking my son with me? This last one is my least favorite option because I know it will hurt us all dearly and I really don’t want to do that. What should I do?

2

I’m no lawyer, but I do know one of the best divorce lawyers here. But he isn’t cheap, you can always consult with him first. I would suggest you talk to one as we can try to help, but this isn’t a site for purely legal issues and I don’t think there are lawyers amongst us.

Let me know if you want the lawyers contact. But like I said, his rates are pretty high.

3

They used to judge in the husbands favor.

However, I think they will judge solely based on what is best for the kid nowadays.
If the kid is living with you, and there are no indications why it would be better changing any of that, the court will judge in your favor.

The same works the other way around, however for infants it’s a different story.
I think they will try to keep the infants with his/her mother.

4

For what it’s worth. My good friend is an Australian and was married with a Taiwanese. They gave him full custody because he was a steady provider and owned businesses here. His ex wife has some of the similar issues that you said about your husband. But he still allows his ex wife to see the kids because he feels like they should know their mom. However she’s just as crazy and ungrateful that he even allows her to see them as he doesn’t t have to.

5

You can always make an appointment for a brief consultation at the Legal Aid Foundation (www.laf.org.tw – ask for an English speaking lawyer but bring a translator just in case) or at Taipei City Hall (ground floor – bring a translator). If your income and assets are low enough, you can ask the LAF to take on your case.

Grandma is an ascendant (not descendant), but anyway, if there’s a possibility of going to court you will want to keep records of absolutely everything – all medical matters, all financial matters, all emails and texts, even conversations if they could help you to prove your claims.

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6

Did you tell your husband they you are thinking about divorce? How did he react?

I may be shooting in the dark here, but have you thought about marriage counseling? I guess you guys got married for a reason, so maybe there’s chance to recovery?:2cents:

7

Welcome to Taiwanese parenthood. My wife’s mom did basically the same thing when she watched our daughter. Taiwanese have difficulty with the concepts of “cold” and “hot” and overdress babies to the point they’re a sweaty mess. And I was called neurotic and difficult, because I insisted on a car-seat for her when she was in their car (instead of just being placed on a lap with no seatbelt or any kind of safety measure).

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8

Thank you everyone for all of your replies! That’s great information and especially the point of linear descendants. I will be following up with getting legal help. As to marriage counseling, we went before we got married. And we saw the woman that helped get me diagnosed as depressed. Unfortunately, all my concerns were written off as cultural differences and I was told that if I live in Taiwan, I need to act like a Taiwanese. Needless to say, we did not go for another session.

But I would like to get help and work through our marriage. I do NOT want to leave and I am afraid that by leaving I would be causing my husband and son irreparable damage. Is there a place that I can get marriage counseling? I went through The Center before. I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am also aware that the changes necessary in our relationship may not be possible and as always, my son and my safety is priority number 1.

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9

This is my opinion with parents looking at divorce. I kinda hope they do. They’ve just never really loved each other and didn’t live together for periods of time. Constantly fighting and yelling as a kid growing up. It’s sad to say, now as an adult I feel like I wished they just got divorced and not put this pressure on me as a kid and even now as an adult of being in the middle of the fights or having to listen to them scream at each other. I’m almost relieved if they do decide to divorce now. In my opinion it’s far worse for the kids and you trying to work a marriage that is just toxic for the sake of the kids.

Not saying counciling isn’t worth while. My parents never went it so I can’t say if maybe it could’ve helped.

10

So sorry to hear about your situation. Yes, you are in the loss here because he is Taiwanese, and your child is a boy, considered a family treasure. No, ther eis no shared custody in Taiwan, maybe ion paper, but it cannot be enforced. Listen, thsi is a problem but you are not alone. Seek help. There is help available.

First, try to document the mistreatment. Can yo get witnesses to state that he mistrated you when you were sick? Your husband is a good for nothing, can you prove that with documents? You are the breadwinner, but the no bill payment is a legal problem. There must be a paper trail.

Reasons for divorce include harming the spouse’s mental health. If a Taiwanese can use listening to rock music as an excuse for this, you have ample evidence of that.

You have just given birth which aside from stressful has a little kick called post partum depression. That cannot be used against you. On the contrary, it is a condition they were aware of, and yet there is no support.

Mental health professionals leave a lot to be disered here and it is important for you to keep alert. Not to be paranid, but many things can be used against you in court, and a one sided psychological evaluation is not unusual. However, it si alos a transparent lie.

Safeguard you and your son’s passport like a hawk. Hide money for an evntuality. Think: would a Taiwanese woman put up with what I do? If we were in my own country, would I put up with it? Taiwanese culture is used as an excuse in many cases when it is actually not so. Just people manipulating and lying.

For example: if you have just given birth, most people here will stay a month in bed, eating special stuff, taking care of themselves and the baby. It is the custom.

Please take care of yourself. Go to the Center for starters.

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11

Are you married in Taiwan for USA? Marriage in Taiwan tend to favor men when it comes to divorce while marriage in USA tend to favor mother in a divorce. It is difficult to get a divorce in Taiwan unless both parties agree to the terms of financial obligations and child custody. If one party does not agree to a divorce, the court will only grant legal divorce status unless one party is at fault for committing adultery or domestic violence. How old are you and your husband? Can you prove that you are the sole provider of the family? How bad is your depression? These are all reasonable questions a judge may consider.

12

I watched my BiL’s kid. They wanted me to take her to get some shoes. She didn’t have a helmet and all I have is a scooter, so I refused to take her. I want the kid to wear a helmet when on the scooter. The family thinks I am unreasonable. I do not get that. Just me.

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13

I get where you are coming from and your husband sounds kind of like a disaster and the family relations are super challenging. The early baby months are also the hardest and this probably brings out the worst behavior in everyone.

At the same time, it sounds like in counseling you got an answer you didn’t want (“a lot of this is cultural”) and it’s worth reconsidering (both your perspective on baby safety and on the role of culture in your relationship to husband and grandma). Leaving a two month old, slightly overdressed on a bed, is a very low risk behavior. It’s not US best practices, and it may be that grandma shouldn’t be doing childcare, but you’re going to have a tough time finding anything like US recommended practices here. We had a daytime baomu for a year and a half and we learned a lot from her (all homemade baby food, a lot of outdoor walking and time, a super clean environment, sometimes overdressed kids).

On the legal side, I don’t have much advice, but I’d get baby a passport pronto and figure out what you need to do if you have to leave. I’d probably also take another stab at counseling. I think your husband is probably bluffing on seeking solo care, since it would make his post-marriage life a lot tougher, but I don’t know. I hope you guys can find a way through it (a happier life together or apart). Parenting is one of the hardest/best things you can do. Hang in there!

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14

Went through child-custody battle myself, although my circumstances were completely different.

Taiwanese family courts were instructed to judge in the childs best interest, but in fact this term does simply not exist. Period.

I (my honest personal opinion) would fly with the child back to your home-country (USA, right?) and would divorce from there, even if that means I likely cant go back to Taiwan anymore.
Bottom line, best for me and the child.

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15

I (my honest personal opinion) would fly with the child back to your home-country (USA, right?) and would divorce from there, even if that means I likely cant go back to Taiwan anymore.

Careful there. Without consent from the spouse, this would be kidnapping. Best not to offer dangerous illegal advice. I do believe it is against Forumosa rules too.

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16

Why, do you need permission from the other spouse to take your kid out of country in general?

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17

I agree. That can’t be legal. You’d probably be arrested at immigration if you tried to return to Taiwan again after pulling that kind of stunt. Play this one very carefully and don’t do anything impulsive even if it means a bit more pain and hardship in the short term.

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18

Whatever. The father already effectively threatened to kidnap the child if they divorced and we all know that Taiwan’s courts would back him up. Even if they told him to share custody after a divorce they wouldn’t enforce it, de facto allowing some kind of pseudo-kidnapping to happen in-country right under their noses.

Meanwhile, if she were to fly to the USA with the child it wouldn’t be kidnapping unless he had some sort of block on the child leaving the country. She wouldn’t even deny him access to the child - it’d just have to be in the States on her terms as she’d probably end up with custody and the government would act in the father’s interest (by enforcing his visitation rights) and also in the mother’s interest (by preventing the father taking the child into the legal black hole that Taiwan basically is).

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I want apologize that I may not have written things very clearly: I was upset with his mother about leaving him in an unsafe place not the cold factor. He ran the risk of suffocating when she left him like that. And my problem was that she promised not to and then did it as a “ha ha ha” you’re stupid thing. And that was just one of many many instances.

20

It is not kidnapping because they are married.

My ex-wife simply took the child’s taiwanese passport. That’s the most effective method, because the child normally cant leave Taiwan on the “other” passport.

I dont know whether the father has other ways to block the child’s departure though.

In case of leaving and the worst scenario (child is banned to leave) i dont think the mother has done anything against the law.