Today, I am a Hillary Clinton tree. How do you feel about that? How do you REALLY feel? I want to know.
Today Iâm a Benghazi Compound tree. I think you should me how YOU feel about thatâŚ
I think that now I am a missing-a-verb-of-some-kind tree. Should⌠should⌠should⌠WHAT? I need to know!!! Oh, okay, now I am a I-need-to-know-now tree! Gosh. Doesnât the world move fast⌠Oh damn! Now, I am a doesnât-the-world-move-fast TREE!!! Whiz!!! Wheeee!!!
Youâre a tree that a verb? How that is 
I think fred is being a pedantic tree today, or is it a grammar nazi tree? However, not for me to decide, we should let fred decide for himself what kind of tree he would like to be, lest it hurt his feelings.
Nothing wrong with being a pedant. As long as youâre an amusing pedant. I think he passes that test.
Today, I am a pedantic tree that passes the test⌠unless I am a pedantic tree that the test⌠if you get my driftâŚ
Today, Fred is a late tree.
Perhaps the axe got him? Who knows? Who cares?
Should I get a pregnancy test? a little acorn test?
[quote]
Perhaps the axe got him? [/quote]
Well, THATâS not very nice⌠Iâll bet Santa brings you coal⌠Iâll just bet!
Reminds me of the following joke:
Whatâs the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I donât know and I donât care! hahahahaahahah
Today, I am a how-the-hell-did-the-four-day-weekend-end-already tree. WTF? Work already? 
Tempus fugit, disappointed tree.
As Wright-Mills so astutely observed;
âEach day men sell little pieces of themselves in order to try to buy them back each night and weekend with the coin of funâŚâ
Whazzat mean? Time for fudge? Oh, no it isnât⌠Oh, I see⌠thus the âdisappointedâ tree. Got it!
Today Iâm a dog with a full bladder and youâre the only vertical surface I can see. Can you guess whatâs coming?
Having a hard time getting out of bed today. Fully intend to remain horizontal. I guess that you can guess that your desire to have me guess what is coming may be superseded by the lack of opportunity that I guess that you may have trouble finding. Should you have other difficulties⌠say finding your head with both hands, I guess that I could help you with a set of directions not to your bladder but to one of the orifices near it that might contain said head⌠Let me know if you need my help!
Horizontally yoursâŚ
Youâre in luck. As a trained doctor Iâm able to diagnose your condition remotely.
I sense youâre suffering from âexpat malaiseâ. Itâs a fairly common condition in the tropics, brought about by the patients realisation that their life is stuck in a never ending circle of work, drink, foreign women, weird food, boring chums and constant stress about where their life is going.
Unfortunately, the cure, though available, cannot by accessed by most sufferers due to their inability to actually grasp the fact that a better, though harder, life lies elsewhere.
In your case the prognosis is not good. I sense a continued decline into snippiness and ill-temper. I should warn you that the outcome of your disease can often be fatal; not through the disease itself, but through the desire of those near to you to end your (and their) suffering.
But chin up, old chap. You always have your trees!
I am?!
[quote]
As a trained doctor Iâm able to diagnose your condition remotely.[/quote]
And if I were remotely interested that might be remotely worth hearing!
Intriguing⌠where is he going with this?
I am in the tropics! How could you have known?!
Why yes⌠yes⌠it isâŚ
Did you see my photos up on Facebook? Those characters have already posted them?
Thereâs one in my bedroom right now. I think that she is trying to clean something. What should I do?
But tasty!
[quote]
boring chums[/quote]
Er⌠hello, fellow, well met!
Hmmmm⌠or where life will take one? One hopes that it will be the Adriatic or Tyrrhenian Sea⌠One hopes⌠One wants⌠One wishes⌠Take me away!
Sardinia? Sorrento? Sicily?
[quote]
In your case the prognosis is not good.[/quote]
Damn it! Are you telling me that there will be yet another reason why I cannot use those air miles?! WTF?!
[quote]
I sense a continued decline into snippiness and ill-temper.[/quote]
WTF would you say that? WHY?! F***ER!
[quote]
I should warn you that the outcome of your disease can often be fatal;[/quote]
Especially if it lasts another 30 or 40 years? No doubt about it! You are a true prognosticator!
Yeah. What he said⌠er, wait a minute⌠are you suggesting, er, what I think you are?! Why I oughta⌠who do you think you are?
Ooooohhhhh! Groovy-2-da-max! And, today, I am going to be a prognosticator-tree that or a fornicating bush.
I have a little place just north of Porto Rafael on Sardinia which I bought 20 years ago thinking it would be a nice quiet place in which to retire. Now itâs a bloody tourist paradise. Iâve had enough of the buggers. Would you like to buy it? Street view is from 2009 when I was having a new entrance built. House dates back to early 19C.
Does the plumbing also date back to the 19th century? Nice views. I never, however, buy property. Too much of a headache. Maintenance, taxesâŚ
You always rent? You are indeed a wise tree. Once I sell it and my other property I shall join you as a-renter-not-a-buyer. Makes complete sense, for all the reasons you mentioned. Plus I plan to spend all my money and die without an asset to my name or a single penny remaining in my bank accounts 
Today is a new year and so I am going to turn over a new leaf (haha)âŚ
- I am going to care about global warming (SORRY!!! CLIMATE CHANGE!!!)
- I am going to support bans on free speech so that I donât hurt othersâ feelings.
- I am going to spend all of my days criticizing the U.S. government as it is clearly the most evil force on the planet.
- I am going to engage in Twitter and Facebook strategies to show my concerns about numerous injustices around the world rather than take action.
- I am going to learn to play the drums to be able to join drum circles.
- I am going to stop reading newspapers and indepth magazines to get all my knowledge of world affairs from snappy Tweets⌠and of course Russia TodayâŚ
- I am gong to stop saving money, investing wisely, buying appropriate insurance and other forms of responsible behavior because the government and others are responsible for what happens to me.
- I am going to follow the latest food trends. Should I be avoiding gluten or sugar this week?
- I am going to take photos of every single activity to share with my friends online because how they see me is much more important than caring about the people that I am with.
- I am going to stop engaging in frivolous irony to mock ridiculous beliefs and forms of behavior⌠well, I will try⌠harder ⌠hahahahahah
Happy New Year!!!