Long distance relationships?


#1

Building off my other thread Leaving Taipei to Shanghai for work?, i’ve been offered a great opportunity in Shanghai and I’m really considering going. Problem is, i don’t think it makes sense for my GF to go. She is ready to go to uni for her bachelors after taking time off. She is an Italian citizen and me an ROC and US dual citizen so we do have to find some where we can both live. She is only in Taiwan because of me at this point, and me moving would most likely mean her looking at Uni somewhere else as her ARC runs out and she isn’t interested in staying if i’m leaving.

Basically she wants to study journalism/media…and i’m pretty sure the PRC is not the best place to study that…and nothing seems to pop up for her in English taught courses, only business related in shanghai. Although she would probably come with me if I asked…I don’t think it’s fair for her not to be able to go pursue her own path.

We have been together for over a year, with a good relationship and pretty much support of it from her and my family. Her family likes me so much, they invited me to Italy and let me and her daughter stay at one of their villas this summer after a year of being together.

I thought it would easier to find a option, but we’ve looked, and there doesn’t seem to be a way for both of us to pursue our paths without compromising each other’s. It’s been a touchy topic recently the more we really talk about it and dig into our options as there doesn’t seem to be one that really works with us staying together in the same place at this point.

So if i decide to go without her, it would most likely be 4 years before we can be together again as she finishes school. It seems like a pretty difficult idea as i’m not really the most talkative person and I know it would be a huge struggle for me to be good about being able to give her the time she would need for her to be happy with the relationship. It’s already something i’m trying at now living together as I’m a bit of a loner at times.

Do you guys have any inputs or experiences like mine?


#2

I think 6 months LDR is doable. 4 years wouldn’t be impossible if both of you are committed, but it’d be very, very, very difficult and you might find yourself feeling burned at the end and having wasted a lot of time and gone through a lot of unnecessary pain if you guys drift apart in the meantime. I’m not saying don’t do it, but think very, very hard if it’s worth it.


#3

This part is confusing me.
Do you mean
You go to Shanghai, while she goes to a University (in Taiwan? or in Italy?) for a bachelor’s degree (4 years)?

If you goes to Shanghai, and she stays in Taiwan and goes to a University in Taiwan. It doesn’t look that bad. Shanghai and Taipei is only a 2-hour flight away. And she will have winter and summer breaks as a student.

Seriously, the most important thing is whether her family accept you.
My experience ended in this phase, because her parents wanted her to marry someone who’s more like them. I was too different in their eyes.
If her parents really like you and accept you fully, there’s really no problem between she and you anymore.
Taiwan, Mainland China, Italy, or the US, whatever country you two may settle doesn’t matter, they’re all reachable within 15 hours by plane. You two can definitely sort it out.


#4

It’s unlikely she will stay in taiwan for school. She has options to go anywhere, its fairly easy to get a student visa anywhere, and she doesn’t have to worry about paying for school and financial aspects really as it would be paid for. So i doubt she would choose to go a school in taiwan.


#5

Then, it’s quite simple.
Wherever you go (Taiwan, Italy, the US, or Mainland China), she follows, as she doesn’t seem to request a specific school to go to or a specific country to live in.

Mainland China is not a bad place to live in as some extremists may have claimed.
As I have said, it’s just like living in a neighborhood supporting Trump. Stay away from sensitive political issues, and nothing will happen to you. That’s it.


#6

It can be a bad place for a journalist. Or a lawyer. Or a democrat. Or the religious . Or Tibetans. Or Muslims from Xinjiang. Or people with asthma and allergies. And a whole bunch of other people…
Fact.

Mr Lin is essentially tellilg people to become Chinese and give up their freedoms and keep your mouth shut.

Ooh sounds so fucking enticing to live there.

By the way I read this article recently now thats jorunalism!


#7

Well, if I live in a neighborhood supporting Trump while Trump is currently giving some anti-Chinese/anti-Asian speech to the country, don’t you think all Asian-look-alike people will be as low-profile as possible?
(Probably won’t happen, because he’s a business man essentially, and he wants/likes the investment/money from everywhere.)

It is Andrew who is going to Shanghai to work in a gym, as he has mentioned in the previous thread, not me.
I’m just telling him Shanghai is in fact an International city, so basically it is livable.
For a job in a gym, it’s hardly affected by politics.

As for air pollution, worst scenario, stay indoors and take taxis whenever you’re moving between different buildings.
A job is a job, if it’s really unbearable to live there, just quit the job.

When did I ever try to tell anyone to be Chinese politically?
Whenever I say something about me being Chinese, I always mean it ethnically.
Since most, if not all, people in the West always like to refer to me as “(The/That) Chinese (man/guy)” after one simple glance, without even trying to ask me what my real ethnicity or nationality is, I have no choice but to accept that name, don’t I?


#8

I’ve lived in China. Studied in tsinghua which is where xi jing pin and most of the communist party graduated from. And journalism is most definitely not something I would study there. I would not let her study there if that’s what she wants. It’s a country that suppresses freedom of speech, press, information. I felt uncomfortable personally many times learning their state approve version of events. The anti Japanese sentiment all around, complete omission of events, twisting historical facts, censoring information. It’s just not a good place if you want to learn the complete story of things. It would be scary to learn from that system if I wasn’t already aware of things. But that’s not really what this thread is about.


#9

Don’t go to Shanghai alone. Take her with you. Long distance relationship is full of temptations and difficulties. Men and Women have physiological needs. Phone calls and texting cannot replace hugs and kisses. Attractive people are presented with opportunities to meet new interesting partners whenever they go out. Flirting and single life is way too much fun for college age kids. Are you ready to settle down? If so propose and take your fiancé’ with you to PRC.


#10

Some allergy sufferers find relief in polluted air – less pollen! :deciduous_tree: :cloud: :slight_smile:


#11

i wouldn’t recommend going to shanghai with a long distance relationship in mind. multiple debauched women are going to be directing their attention at you.


#14

Good thing is her family liking you and she is flexible, adjustable to you. My situation was different, she was from traditional taiwanese family, and basically being scared to do anything else excepts what her family wants. I had to fallow her to taiwan from europe to keep relation, and it kinda ruined my career for those years, cause i had great opprtunities else where. Yea our relation has survived but i became a bitter person, and we were having quarrels for months. Looking back I would do differently or force her to go outside of comfortable zone sooner. Cause her family is traditional, could do only after the marriage

But yea my wife never thought about my career, reality in taiwan, so this is really positive you think about her. Keep your sanity and do not make her bitter. She can come to Shanghai, only when she really wants, she must recognize opportunities there and capitalize it. Make her busy. I mean is Shanghai, whole world going there…

Seems her folks are rich, so is kinda not that important what she studies actually, however can also be she is not mature enough to pick up major by herself. Studying journalism/media is just a faking wasting of time. What is her interest? She can do like biology\chemistry and than jump in journalism and write about green energy in china. No one really needs a journalism degree, to work as journalist. You know what i mean. Better to have profession and than jump in it. Maybe she is crazy about fashion, can study design, and than covers clothes fashion in Asia. Do internet blog, fb blog about cosmetics, clothes, travel. Asians girls are crazy about it. Can study tech like multimedia engineering. She will know how to build up youtube channel, blog with professional video productions etc.

You said she is a model, i mean there must be a tone of opportunities for her in Shanghai. Is also more competitive than Taipei, and her learning curve can have a step up.

I mean obv she is young, better she developed skills, which can give her income world wide. Maybe 5 years down the road you guys will move to Italy. Is total different reality, once you can transfer your accumulate skills, experience fast to new place and keep earning money


#15

Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m was 1 semester from graduating with a degree in international business and minor in international affairs. Basically, it’s was a complete waste of time. I’ve learned more from working since I was old enough to work and interning at my father’s company than most kids by the time they graduate. I was already able to use accounting programs at 16 when my friends had to learn going into the work force after graduating with a accounting degree. It’s not really that important unless you are really specific about what you want to learn and do. And i’ve done fine finding work since i have a lot of work experience and that’s what I told her to do, find a school that will allow her to have access to people and work experience. Anyone can get a degree, but skills and work experience is what will get you going.

But it’s hard to explain that and I don’t want to come off like I’m trying to take her away from her education. Her family also wants her to go to a university. I know they probably understand it’s not the most important thing as they’ve done very well for themselves but nevertheless, they want her to go. I will respect that as it is.

She is really young, so I don’t think she is sure what she really wants to do. But not many people do at her age. Even I was sure until I realized I didn’t want the path that was easily given to me.


#16

Trust me, this is something i’ve considered. I’ve been loyal and never fell into a lot of temptations here. And there have been a lot. Taipei is a small place, and for some sick twisted reasons, girls in my past seemed 2x more interested in me after I started dating her. Like i haven’t even talked to some of them for a long time and all of the sudden they shoot me texts after they found out.

And i’m not going to lie, I’ve def have flirted, texted, and even got other girls numbers being with her. But somehow…and to my surprise, I’ve never did cheat on her. There have been times where it was extremely tempting, but I just felt like it was wrong in my guts. But I guess, 4 years of not seeing each other much…I would like to think i’m still not the guy that would cheat, but i’m only human.

And in shanghai, my job will take me into social circles in the entertainment, sports, fashion, modeling industry. I already know what that’s like here working jobs that dealt with that. And the man about town feeling seating in the back VIP tables at clubs drinking bottles of whatever that costs more than the monthly average salary of people in some big event’s after party. There are plenty of women that are attracted to that kind of thing, and i’m no saint. I’m guessing that’s even more so in shanghai.


#17

Real talk: if you’re already flirting, texting and getting digits and this trial 4 year separation hasn’t even started, you’re not going to make it. You say it isn’t cheating, but it is emotionally cheating a bit. It’s a tough call to make, but you’ll need to live like a monk for 4 years and endure a lot of loneliness and frustration in order to remain faithful, at the same time hoping she’s doing the same. I think anyone would have trouble doing that. Not to mention you guys will probably change plans and maybe even change personalities a bit in the interim.


#18

I’ve pretty much cut that out now, outside of the situational flirting when I talk to girls. I do come off as way to flirty, maybe i’m not trying to make anything out of it. But i def know what i’m doing at some level. I mean I do it in front of her without realizing, it’s almost like second nature and than I realized, oh shit, I’m being flirty or can come off that way. But nevertheless, I def had my low moments thinking about cheating when we had some rough patches like all normal relationships do. But yeah, it would be pretty hard to resist urges when they’re infront of me with her gone. I don’t mind being alone. I quite like it. I don’t really get lonely, and i’m not a guy who needs to be with someone, even with male friends. I don’t actively pursue women all the time.
But it’s those time when you have to interact with women and see her interested and realize you can have her at that moment…

I feel awful that I have to consider this as a problem. But the last thing I want to do is hurt a sweet girl. And I trust her like crazy, i’ve never had a problem with her going out with her friends, even ones with questionable morals. In fact, I actually try to get her to go out more to enjoy her youth.


#19

Andrew…it’s not easy.

You BOTH have to be ready to go through pretty tough time. Nobody likes long distance and if you’ve never done it before, it sucks. I went through LD and I never really advise it when friends think about it. Long story short:

  • I got together with the gf here in TW
  • Left after a month of being together to finish my master’s in the states
  • Was physically away from her for a full calendar year
  • Moved to China for a year where I saw her every 2 months

If my math doesn’t fail me, that’s about 2 years of long distance where I saw her a total of 30ish days. It was a really really rough time for me and the gf. We were happy to be together once I moved to TW, but it was tough actually interacting with her every single day.

During those two years, Skype was pretty much our life saver. We both felt obligated to update each other on our days and a lot of my down time was just sitting in front of the computer and chatting with her. We did our best to do couple things like watch dramas or I would eat breakfast and she would eat dinner in front of the cam. It sounds cheesy, but we were both working hard at making things work.

With your job and her schooling in mind, things like the above “Skype dates” aren’t too easy to plan. Both your schedules are very loose, so you don’t really have a day out of the week where you know you both will be free.

I don’t know, it seems like a really tough situation and a hard decision to make. I would consider trying it out for a bit. It seems like both of you don’t want to let go and your communication is good to the point where if things aren’t working out, I’m sure you guys can talk things out.


#20

Things are happening so fast. What was a causal conversation has turned into something I/we don’t know how to deal with. I’m not 100% on board with going yet even without considering her. But if I do want to, I don’t know if I can turn it down. I’m not getting any younger and I would like to have a career vs working project to project. But I honestly don’t want to do it without her. She’s absolutely a keeper. She’s so loyal and I can trust her 100% and she’s so good to me. I mean just yesterday she cooked a huge home made meatball meal for me for no particular reason other than making me happy. And it’s like a regular thing that she’s just so good to me. I honestly can’t say many girls these days treat their man better. The more I think about it the more I don’t want to leave her. She’s not the most beautiful girl I’ve been with, but def beautiful. And she isn’t short of guys trying to get with her all the time. As much as I think about all the girls I’m missing out, at the end of the day. Sure, I’m sure I can find a bunch of girls, beautiful ones if I leave her. But how rare is it to find someone who’s just so loyal and never had a doubt about even with guys hitting on her all the time. And just really taking care of me in all the ways any man can dream of.


#21

If that is the case, I don’t see long distance breaking your bond. Yes, it’ll be tough not being able to physically be with her, but it’s clear the loyalty is there, she cares about you and you the same with her.

Go for it.

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#22

I don’t know man you can’t teleport Italian meatballs through Skype.

This could be a deal breaker?