My girlfriend is hanging out with another guy


#1

Hello everyone,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over half a year with a Taiwanese girl. She’s visited me here in the US and we both decided we wish to marry, so I’m planning on flying to Taiwan in two months to speak to her dad about this. Now she’s working in Australia on a “work holiday” and we’ve had many challenges. But lately I found out she’s hanging out one-on-one with another Taiwanese guy who she insists is just a friend. I try to be trusting, but when I found out they went to the beach together and spent the day together, suspicion got the worst of me. My questioning flustered her and she accused me of not being able to trust her (which may be partially true). She claims they’re just friends, she’s not interested in him in that way and he’s not interested in her (supposedly–I doubt that highly). She’s very pretty for a Taiwanese girl and I don’t trust any guy hanging around her, helping her to move, lending her money and spending the day with her at the beach. Am I out of line? Are these sort of male-female platonic friendships normal in Taiwan, thus making this a cultural difference? It’s simply not okay with me but I feel that if I draw a line in the sand, she will bail on me. Your input is welcome, as I don’t know if she’s just being inconsiderate, silly or I’m the one that needs to chill out.


#2

No trust = No relationship.

YMMV.


#3

Platonic male-female relationships are very common in Taiwan. They’re common in the US, too.


#4

My GF has many friends from her schooldays that she still sees. It is perfectly normal and Taiwanese Girls do seem naïve when it comes to thinking there would be a problem going out with another guy. There is an innocence there, which is actually quite refreshing. If she wanted to see someone else, it is likely that she would tell you…or at least make it obvious that things were not right.
I trust her and consequently don’t worry about it. She actually invites me every time but I think she is entitled to some of her own space. I can not speak for your Lady but ,as mentioned, No trust=No future. :2cents:


#5

Thank you guys. I’m realizing the same thing… my lack of trust is the biggest threat in this situation. I just can’t stand the thought of another man spending the day alone with my girlfriend… I guess I just need to suck it up. I appreciate your feedback, it’s helpful.


#6

Classy. :aiyo:


#7

Classy. :aiyo:[/quote]

I simply meant that she is considered prettier than average by her Taiwanese friends. I can attest to this personally :wink:


#8

Classy. :aiyo:[/quote]

I simply meant that she is considered prettier than average by her Taiwanese friends. I can attest to this personally :wink:[/quote]
What if her friends are dogs? :laughing:

S’ok, yo. I figured that’s what you meant. :wink:


#9

Long distance relationships, they suck. Yeah I’ve been there.


#10

Don’t get married until you’ve been in a SHORT distance relationship for…let’s say a year. If you are feeling insecure about your relationship, this is a good sign that you’re not ready yet.


#11

Yup. That’s just the way it is.

Only YOU know if she’s the sort of girl who does just “hang out” with other guys.

There’s a certain sort of wimpy guy here who does try catching a girl by becoming a sort of running dog for the object of his affections. Some girls know what’s going on and just treat him as … well, as running dog. Others are completely oblivious. Others think this is a normal way of starting a relationship and think they have to reciprocate. Again, only you know which sort of person she is. Also, a holiday abroad is when people want a bit of … freedom, especially if you’re young. You have to decide if you’re OK with that. A surprising number of people are (although, in the cases where it “works”, they discuss these things openly rather than rely on deceit).

If you don’t know her that well, then you shouldn’t be talking about marriage … and really, six months and a few dates isn’t long enough to decide - go and read the psycho xiaojie threads. My suggestion would be to try not to worry about it too much - after all, if something is going to kick off, there’s not much you can do about it, is there? If she stops calling you, you’ll know there’s a problem. If she doesn’t, then she could be either (a) behaving herself impeccably or (b) deceiving you. In either case, come to Taiwan and enjoy it for what it is. Talk to her father, but I strongly recommend NOT having the marriage discussion unless you are 100% sure: he will ask you to set a date. You need to spend some time getting to know them, her, and Taiwanese culture. Move here and stay for a while if you can.


#12

Maybe it’s not so much whether your fears are justified as how your girlfriend responds to them. A “That bothers you? If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. What could I do/not do that would make you feel more comfortable with the situation? What would that look like?” Then ya’ll see if you want the same kinds of things out of the relationship.
But then again few have that level of maturity until they’re seasoned veterans of multiple battles with the “relationship monster” in all of it’s wily forms.
Extra points if they/you come out of these battles without disfiguring scars. Good luck!


#13

seems a bit fishy. have you lived together for a long time or you’re only experience is long distance? i think there is a difference there. what is your plan? move there or her move to you?

i disagree with shiadoa about how naive taiwanese girls are. they are very good at acting all innocent, cute and naive but don’t be fooled.

my gf pretty much wouldn’t be doing that, because i asked her how she feels if i would hang out one to one with other taiwanese girls. obviously she wasn’t too happy with that and that was the end of it. and yea the guys will be asking her out ect, whether she tells you or not is another matter.


#14

Very true. Do not marry her without having lived with her first, for a year or so. You will most likely regret missing out on that step, but only realise well after marriage.


#15

Major question: Do you ever hang out with girls one-on-one? How would your girlfriend feel about it?

I totally support the idea that trust makes a relationship. I lived with a female (American) flatmate for a year after I started dating my current fiancee, and while she wasn’t stoked about it she managed to accept it after I repeatedly reassured her and everything. Addendum: I’m her first relationship, so maybe it’s naivity, though I would expect first-time girlfriends would actually be MORE prone to jealousy.

We have had four great years together in a short-long-distance relationship (seeing each other once a week) because we have an immense amount of trust between us.


#16

Very true. Do not marry her without having lived with her first, for a year or so. You will most likely regret missing out on that step, but only realise well after marriage.[/quote]

This. Live WITH the girl for at least a year to get out of the honeymoon phase and find out all those little habits that pop up.


#17

I’m going to put my head on the chopping block and say that I wouldn’t be all that happy with my wife/girlfriend hanging out for days on end with another guy… going to the beach and all that. At the same time, I would never do that to her.

I trust my wife and she trusts me, but I’m human and if she was spending a lot time with another guy, especially one I didn’t know, I’d probably feel jealous. If she was going for a meal with male colleagues or classmates, that would be a different matter entirely (to me). I don’t think she’d be all that chuffed if I was taking girls on long walks along the beach or whatever. I have female friends and she has male friends, but we’re all more or less acquainted.

I think the most important thing is how you feel about it. If you’re uncomfortable, then you should talk to her about it.


#18

I totally agree with Dr. J.

I think that if you don’t feel comfortable with it, you should tell her and she should respect that and act accordingly. If she doesn’t, you have something to worry about.

I have plenty of male friends, but they are all friends with my husband as well. Even so, I would feel weird hanging out with them one on one with the exception of one of them, who is our very best friend. Same with our female friends…I can only think of one that my husband has hung out with when I’m not there, and that was only because I got sick at the last minute when we had plans to meet her out. Also, I should add that these people are also married and we are close to their spouses as well.

What your girlfriend is doing doesn’t sound right to me.


#19

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I’ve spoken with her about it and decided to let the issue go. She is young (20) and I’m 27, and she is also very naive and innocent for her age, having been with only one other guy before me. She explained to me that she has plenty of guy friends back in Taiwan, and they’d go out to the movies and the beach together alone and it meant nothing beyond friendship. While I believe her on that, I don’t trust the intentions of other men. My response was to tell her that I trust her (I have no other choice) and she is free to do what she pleases. But I also let her know that what she did isn’t okay with me, and it hurt me. I felt disrespected and nothing would change that.

She didn’t really understand, saying ‘What could be wrong with me hanging out with a guy friend? If I sensed for even a second that he wanted something or was interested, I’d turn him away.’ Being alone in Australia at that young age has been difficult for her and she’s been through lots of challenges. I understand her desire to have friendships and not be isolated. My only issue was the one-on-one alone time, so I communicated that. I’m not going to forbid it, I’m not going to interrogate her about it in the future, I’ve just decided to let it go–because it’s true, without trust there is no relationship.


#20

20 is very young to be committed to someone in marriage, even if she talks about it. A taiwanese girl is likely to be less mature then a western girl of 20 years. If she were 30 and you 27, you may be on a more level playing field.

Her hanging out with a Taiwanese guy all day long may not in itself mean anything is happening between them. But Close proximity x Time = Relationship is a fairly common equation.

You are 27, shes 20. You are not anywhere near her physically. The chances of her relationship with you being a “summer romance” is unfortunately quite high.

I hope you can get your head around that thought . That it MIGHT not work out.

Best to hope for is to proceed but best see each other twice a year at least for long periods. And work on the friendship between the two of you.

And honestly, that may not work either, even with a few years passing.

Most Person X relationships with Person Y fail. It’s usually a matter of time. How much , how little.

Emotions may be the spice of life. But its taken a toll on me is my take away from my several deep relationships. To the point that one rather wishes one could be more of a “NOW” person. And just enjoy the present and be aware that things could and do change in relationships. Till one day , one meets the person who is , like you, ready for the long term with YOU.

That person is indeed a rare gem. And really, who knows where and when you will meet him/her.

That’s where chance and fate come in. Its a roll of the dice really, a crap shoot perhaps, if not Devine Providence . Course Devine Providence is where we get to blame God for our mistakes :slight_smile:.

I just married a girl who i met in a yahoo chat room years back. I saw her handle as unusual and struck up a conversation. We both left that conversation feeling an attraction for one another. No doubt we both had other conversations where we made a note of the other person’s handle and added them as a friend, etc. And felt it was something special. This one progressed to marriage. What if I had not been in that chat room at that time ? That’s where the fate part comes into play.

That’s life really. Roll the Dice, play the game. Make it work best you can.