My girlfriend is hanging out with another guy


#21

Yeah, I understand I’m rolling the dice with this whole relationship. For me it is also Divine Providence, and this is a faith walk. I don’t expect others to understand that, or the many unusual circumstances surrounding our meeting. I’m set on making it work, but experienced enough to know that it might not work out. She is young, but we both share the same values and faith, so that really plays into it a lot. With the challenges we’ve already been through, I’ve seen that she is indeed a rare gem, to be able to stay committed through the difficulties of our separation. We met online, fell in love, and finally met over this summer and spent two weeks together. The two weeks affirmed everything we’d been feeling, and although many here are battle-scarred and (maybe) cynical, I’m a hopeless romantic. That’s why I wasn’t really going into the details of our plans (as I know most won’t understand), but rather this particular issue that’s come up.


#22

You gotta see it in person, or try to get a feel for it.

Gal-pals are the lowest form of scum (some anyways), they don’t have the onions to step right up profess their intentions, so they play the snake in the grass role and just kick it on the friendship tip until they have completed their propaganda campaign. At first it is harmless, but then they start opining on your relationship, slagging you off to her, the whole while building up themselves, eventually they create an ideal that they are the best choice, and everyone is secondary.

Suss out your Missus and see exactly what the deal is, sometimes the Taiwanese birds like to roll with a dude or two to keep things on the straight and narrow, but sometimes, gal-pallage can occur.


#23

Yup, I think you’re right Deuce.

I trust her intentions, but don’t trust the guy’s for a second. Any red-blooded male hanging around a pretty girl isn’t gonna help her out of the kindness of his heart. We only have about 9 more weeks to go before we meet back in Taiwan, and all of this will be history. It’s a test, almost.

I’m just banking on her taking my feelings on the matter to heart, and if any such situations occur in the future, she’ll remember how I feel. I have no desire to control her. And I feel that letting her go is the manly, secure, confident thing to do. The last thing I want to do is project insecurity, fear and doubt into a relationship that is already strained by 9,000 miles of separation and a 15 hour time difference.


#24

[quote=“ginoandres”]Yup, I think you’re right Deuce.

I trust her intentions, but don’t trust the guy’s for a second. Any red-blooded male hanging around a pretty girl isn’t gonna help her out of the kindness of his heart. We only have about 9 more weeks to go before we meet back in Taiwan, and all of this will be history. It’s a test, almost.

I’m just banking on her taking my feelings on the matter to heart, and if any such situations occur in the future, she’ll remember how I feel. I have no desire to control her. And I feel that letting her go is the manly, secure, confident thing to do. The last thing I want to do is project insecurity, fear and doubt into a relationship that is already strained by 9,000 miles of separation and a 15 hour time difference.[/quote]

You gotta play it cool. Stressing her out on the phone or Skype is music to the gal-pal’s ear, create an environment where you are cool with everything, that way she will be guilt ridden upon her return if she has done anything wrong and there is a good chance she will cop to any wrong doings. Also, she is more likely to have good thoughts about you and not do anything wrong. If you start freaking out and giving her the one over, she’ll be more apt to demonize you as this annoyance that is ruining her time abroad with his drama.


#25

[quote=“Deuce Dropper”]
You gotta play it cool. Stressing her out on the phone or Skype is music to the gal-pal’s ear, create an environment where you are cool with everything, that way she will be guilt ridden upon her return if she has done anything wrong and there is a good chance she will cop to any wrong doings. Also, she is more likely to have good thoughts about you and not do anything wrong. If you start freaking out and giving her the one over, she’ll be more apt to demonize you as this annoyance that is ruining her time abroad with his drama.[/quote]

You’re absolutely right, I’ve thought about this myself. Don’t wanna give any numbskull a platform to be the comforter, while levying some sort of offense against me.


#26

why does she need to have such platonic friendships with loads of guys? especially if she is pretty, she is getting something out of it, working those guys to probably pay for those cinema trips and food- in the least. what’s wrong with hanging with girls?

tommy spoke a lot of wisdom. if i were you i would firstly ask her if she is cool with u hanging with other girls, then i would hang with other girls and just chill out a bit on this girl.

either way i think time will sort things out on this one…


#27

Very true. Do not marry her without having lived with her first, for a year or so. You will most likely regret missing out on that step, but only realise well after marriage.[/quote]

So true, just got married and last night she just will NOT leave me alone !! Kept jumping on me , tickling me , wrestling around with me, just wouldn’t let me sleep!!


#28

I’m talking about ten years later, tommy525.

the first couple of weeks are always good, though. And you’re not in the same situation anyway.


#29

I had to scroll through three pages before you guys started tearing lumps of flesh out of each other. Standards are bloody well slipping round here!

As ONE guy I can state that I do have platonic female friends, who I honestly don’t think about in a carnal way. Some of us don’t have a sub-cortical link from dick to brain.


#30

OP, tell her you will be going out with one of your ex girlfriends or the new neighbor (who happens to model clothes) to the cinema or someplace.
Tell her she called you up and asked. And you tell her, not to worry.

Do you think she would be OK with that?


#31

Honestly bro, if you are comfortable with yourself and have that inner confidence then who gives a toots? Just know that there are plenty of fish in the pool and if yours leaves you now, you’ll have plenty more waiting.


#32

[quote=“superking”]
As ONE guy I can state that I do have platonic female friends, who I honestly don’t think about in a carnal way. Some of us don’t have a sub-cortical link from dick to brain.[/quote]
Yeah, but do you think about her in carnival ways? I mean, they are the best.


#33

My girlfriend won’t live with me until my bathroom is consistently spotless.


#34

IN a nutshell, your GF hanging around often with another guy is a bad thing for your relationship.

It can remain platonic but chances are its NOT.

Maybe you should start looking at other girls as well.


#35

You’re in the right country then. One word–“drain”


#36

More or less this. Nice quote.


#37

You guys need a compromise. You learn to trust her more and she learn how to 避嫌.
Maintaining a relationship needs effort from both sides, not just from you.


#38

Then you’re a bloody fool. And I say that with nothing but love and good intentions. You clearly communicated your discomfort to your girlfriend about her spending all day with another man and she blew you off. Your relationship is doomed, absolutely doomed. If she were the one for you, old boy, she would have respected your wishes and told the guy to take a hike. He’s definitely trying to screw her, by the way. You know it, you know it in your gut, you know it in your heart, and so does she. Sorry, I don’t buy the little miss innocent routine. Many people here insist that young Taiwanese women are “innocent”, twice as much as Western women, so 20 is basically like 10. No it isn’t. 20 is 20 and 10 is 10. She’s 20 years old, she’s a woman grown, not a little girl. At our core, we’re all animals, powerfully driven to find a mate, couple, and retain the pair-bond long enough to raise children. It’s a biological truth, independent of culture (and Taiwanese culture is highly sexualized anyways). This has nothing to do with right or wrong, it just is. Here’s a question for you, when they spend all day at the beach together, does she arrive sloppy and unkempt, or does she try and look her best for him…in her bikini? Oh right, you weren’t there, you don’t know. But you do know, don’t you?

There are many people who insist it’s perfectly “normal” to be in a committed relationship but then go off and spend the day with someone of the opposite sex that your partner does not know or trust. It isn’t. It’s absurd to claim it is.

I say get out, and quick.


#39

Then you’re a bloody fool. And I say that with nothing but love and good intentions. You clearly communicated your discomfort to your girlfriend about her spending all day with another man and she blew you off. Your relationship is doomed, absolutely doomed. If she were the one for you, old boy, she would have respected your wishes and told the guy to take a hike. He’s definitely trying to screw her, by the way. You know it, you know it in your gut, you know it in your heart, and so does she. Sorry, I don’t buy the little miss innocent routine. Many people here insist that young Taiwanese women are “innocent”, twice as much as Western women, so 20 is basically like 10. No it isn’t. 20 is 20 and 10 is 10. She’s 20 years old, she’s a woman grown, not a little girl. At our core, we’re all animals, powerfully driven to find a mate, couple, and retain the pair-bond long enough to raise children. It’s a biological truth, independent of culture (and Taiwanese culture is highly sexualized anyways). This has nothing to do with right or wrong, it just is. Here’s a question for you, when they spend all day at the beach together, does she arrive sloppy and unkempt, or does she try and look her best for him…in her bikini? Oh right, you weren’t there, you don’t know. But you do know, don’t you?

There are many people who insist it’s perfectly “normal” to be in a committed relationship but then go off and spend the day with someone of the opposite sex that your partner does not know or trust. It isn’t. It’s absurd to claim it is.

I say get out, and quick.[/quote]
Generally I agree with your ideas as posted here, but I’ll weigh in as a woman- we don’t think about sex as much and aren’t quite as aware that that is likely the guy’s primary intention. ESPECIALLY at 20 (western or eastern) ESPECIALLY if inexperienced. I never had a fucking clue what went on in guy’s minds until I hit my sexual peak at 27 or so, and even now I still probably don’t know. (Reminds me of this Louis CK bit,


He’s exaggerating (I think?) but I think what he says around minute 1 is pretty insightful.
I traipsed around europe as an innocent 22 year old and really just thought all those handsome Italians found me delightful and enjoyed my company. When I told them, “Sono una virgine, non facciamo lamore.” (my retard italian for, I’m a virgin, I’m really, seriously not going to have sex with you like, ever.) I honestly thought they understood and didn’t expect sex. I was vaguely aware that if I had changed my mind, they would have gone for it, but I didn’t imagine that they were hanging around just on the off-chance that I would.
So she may be aware that the guy would sleep with her if she wanted to (all women are always aware of that) but she might really be hanging with him as a friend. She might be a little attracted to him and if she’s honest with herself, and depending on how important the primary relationship is to her, that’ll be enough to get her to think twice about hanging with him alone.

Ideally your significant other will say, “Oh, that bothers you? Well, even though I kind of think you’re being silly, I will do what it takes to make you feel comfortable with what I’m doing because you matter to me.” And it sounds like she hasn’t done that. So yeah, doomed. But not necessarily because she’s thinking of banging him.


#40

Right. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the OP and his girlfriend are intimate, and since he said she’s “been with” another guy before him, she wasn’t even a virgin when they met. I enjoyed your story, though, it was funny. You’re a statistical outlier. Completely oblivious at 22. That’s the same age people graduate from college. Meanwhile, the average American starts having sex at 17, before even graduating from high school (technically, the mean average age is 17.0 for boys and 17.3 for girls). In other words, we humans are starting to have sex much older than usual. Except the last few thousand years, human beings, especially females, began pair-bonding as soon as fertility starts, despite the inherent dangers of adolescent pregnancy and birthing. It’s true that women do not think about sex as frequently throughout the day, but they tend to think about sex for longer periods of time. It’s irrelevant in any case. We are all constantly evaluating the sexual attractiveness of other human beings, both as potential mates and competitors. I get a chuckle when women insist that they aren’t “visual”. The human sexual response is almost entirely visual, for both men and women. The evaluation criteria differs somewhat but the method is the same: visual.

There is no such thing as the sexual peak. The term itself is highly controversial within the literature, as researchers use widely varying definitions and measurement methodologies. Here’s what we do know. Healthy human beings continue to experience sexual desire from their teens into old age. A 70 year old can be just as randy as a 17 old. What’s relevant to women is their fertility peak, and despite popular belief it is not at 27. It is actually much closer to 17-19, where the chance of conception during ovulation is 90-93%. By 20-22, this declines to 86%, then to 78% by 25-29. In the middle of this range, at 27, fertility begins declining precipitously. But 27 is not the “peak”, far from it.

In any case, I don’t believe that a 20 year old women who has had at least two sexual partners is “innocent”. She knows exactly what that fellow wants, and women don’t go to the beach with men alone, especially when their boyfriends have explicitly asked them not to, without understanding the score.