House bought by a parent or given to her as gift cannot be counted as asset between both husband and wife. Therefore, you can’t have claim over the house when filing for divorce. Even if you could fight for it, the chance is grim. Also, you need to calculate your legal fee, the legal processing time, the wounds you’re inevitably going to cause and decide if it’s really worth everything.
You can keep a log of the emotional damages she has cause you, but she can also do the same…and women look more like the innocent victim in a divorce…so you don’t have the advantage here too. (Judges can be biased and take side with the more innocent, victimized party)
If your freedom is the most important thing right now, I suggest you just make a divorce agreement without asking for anything and flee.
If you have the money to go through a law suit demanding material recompense, use that money to start your life over, because submitting your case to the court is one thing, waiting for at least a year before the first hearing is another–it’s a prolonged period of pain in the ass.
With all that’s said above, I still suggest you to try and repair your marriage.
Maybe stop being so repressed and start being honest about your emotions in your marriage(tell her to stop being emotionally abusive and help her quit her shopping addiction), you’ll be a little less suicidal.
Okay, what is really bothering her?
You need to get to the bottom of that. Usually if the wife yells about something tiny and specific, she’s reacting to what she sees as a larger pattern or situation. Is she stuck at home/feeling that way? Are there pressures from the parents? It could be anything.
Telling someone “don’t be emotionally abusive” isn’t really a meaningful way forward. Sharing with her how a specific incident makes you feel is more realistic. Don’t be preachy and “I’m right”, just assume a good or at least neutral motivation and talk to her about it. In other words, communicate the way you’d want her to do with you about something that caused a similar reaction in her mind.
Can’t edit the preceding…that’s assuming you want to save the marriage. Sounds like you don’t, or she doesn’t. Different situation in that case.
But money is ALWAYS an issue, even in a healthy relationship. The only difference is how the questions are hashed out between the partners. Monsieur Iron and I have very different views on what money should be spent on, but since we have an otherwise okay relationship, we can discuss those things and both of us compromise an agreement.
OK, now I’m confused. Your wife has agreed to an uncontested divorce? Frankly this is the best possible outcome you could hope for. There is no logical or legal reason to go for a contested divorce, especially if you didn’t contribute financially to the house you’re now living in. The reality is that if you go to the courts you will lose, one way or another. Pick up your stuff and walk away with your dignity intact. Assuming you have a job, it’s the easiest thing in the world to walk into a letting agent and get a crappy expensive apartment until you can find a fairly-priced, less-crappy one.
Count your lucky stars she’s not holding out for a divorce settlement, which she could if she felt so inclined. The Internet is awash with sorry stories of men paying out a few million to get that divorce signature, and then being kicked out with their tail between their legs.
I am sorry for my confusing statements. This is indeed a difficult time for me. Let me try to simply list facts and hope they shed some light.
1: Neither of us wants a contested divorce: she desperately wants me to sign the papers and disappear. She has expressed a desire to have a boyfriend, even.
2: I hold no claim to real estate, nor should I. The only negotiable items (shared purchases) are a canoe, a refrigerator, and an oven. The canoe and the refrigerator should be an even deal, but we’re both likely to want the oven, and it is a built-in for which I constructed a housing. None of this means very much to me: I could easily walk away from all of it.
3: The only reason I have not signed the marriage termination papers and disappeared is because I don’t have anywhere to live, and do not earn enough to afford even a crappy apartment. I am working, but underemployed.
4: While she has been demanding (and I used to pay) “rent” (ridiculous, as the property was a gift from her mother and she does absolutely nothing a ‘landlord’ would be required to do, but…) she does not seek money from me in this divorce. She simply wants me gone.
Please feel free to ask for more information if this does not clear up the confusion I have caused. Bottom line: I want out, she wants me out, I have nowhere to go, so I am toughing it out in a very emotionally abusive situation. It has been suggested that I tell her to financially support me insofar as helping to pay for an apartment away from her, as a condition for signing divorce papers, but I don’t feel comfortable with that idea, and I truly doubt she would agree to it, despite the fact that it would greatly expedite (and in many ways simplify) our divorce.
I missed a salient point. I have been paying ALL household bills for the past four months or more, including electricity, propane tanks, water, and even sprung for my wife’s ChungHwa bill once when she let it go too long unpaid. We were both financially strapped, but she has somehow lately found funds to accommodate a wild online purchasing ‘addiction’ (she is hurting as much as I am, and I see this trend as an effect of the mental illness I am experiencing as well) with boxes from MoMo arriving nearly daily with snake-oil health and beauty products that I always thought she was wise enough to eschew.
I believe she has canceled her life-insurance/investment account (I’m only beginning to understand how that financial product works in TW) and is now on a spending spree, which is also inclusive of a new wardrobe due to rampant weight gain–stress-related, no doubt. It really hurts to see her going through all of this. I once loved her with all of my being, and I want to release her from the hell our relationship has become.
Thank you for your words of advice, both Malcolm and Finley. I would certainly do so if it did not mean utter destitution: I am getting more and more hours of teaching every week/month, and am basically just trying to hold on until I can support myself independently.
I am here posting this drivel looking for ways to make this tactic workable.
Speak to a few divorcees who have been through the mill and you’ll find out the definition of ‘destitution’.
The fact that you paid the bills etc is neither here nor there. This is known as “life”. I suppose an appropriate response to the demand for ‘rent’ might have been “well, I’m not going to do that because this is your mother’s house, but I’ll put an equivalent amount in the bank so that one day we can get a place of our own”. Hindsight is a wonderful thing … anyway, point is, she has provided you with the benefit of a roof over your head which you would otherwise not have had, so these things balance out.
Seriously, get the hell out of there - by working part-time in McDonalds if you have to - and sign the divorce paper, like, yesterday, before she realises she has you over a barrel.
It sounds to me you’re making excuses not to do this, perhaps because some part of you wants to salvage your relationship. If that’s what you want then do it (as per @ironlady’s posts). If you don’t, then go. Make a decision.
It’s possible - and I’m only reading between the lines here - that what she’s craving is a man who’s going to man up. If you’re spending your days mooching around the house and feeling sorry for yourself, there’s a certain sort of person (usually female) who won’t be able to resist the temptation to kick you when you’re down. There are few things a woman finds more unattractive than a vulnerable man. It’s not nice, but it’s part of being a guy. If you asked her for support money she’d probably lose whatever last vestige of respect she has for you. I would start by spending every spare moment you have finding more profitable work. You write well so private English tuition might be an option, but you’ll have to go out there and get it. It won’t come to you. At least that way you’ll be able to walk away with no hard feelings; you may even (one day) reconcile in some manner.
Yikes. This is basically like an advertisement to not get married ever. Sad to see that two people who loved one another at one point can end this way. Or was it perhaps unrequited love?
She says she wants a boyfriend and suddenly has a new influx of cash? Are you sure she has not been seeing another guy and he is perhaps giving her money? I don’t mean to discriminate, but I’ve witnessed a lot of Asian women who have been cunning and betrayed their boyfriends /husbands by being unfaithful. Some are so good at disguising it the guy will never know.
Anyway, if she was unfaithful, I think if you had proof of that it’d give you the upper hand in proceedings. Though I’m just speculating. I can imagine this is a hard time and I hope you get outta this bad situation.
@dirtmonkey please clarify: you do or don’t have an APRC?
Does your wife understand the work permit system i.e. that if divorced and not a PR you don’t have open work rights and can’t do private lessons or work for any buxiban that guarantees too few weekly hours?
If you’re x months away from obtaining an APRC, is she willing to stay married for that many months?
(Reminder to everyone: no advice in favor of illegal work, please & thank you.)
I believe she is suffering from mental illness. Is there any family member that can intervene on her behalf?
A pal started having problems with the wife, moody, rash decisioons, etc. and she also kicked him out. After they divorced, she really came down hard, unstable, getting lost and confused among other symptoms… and she has custody of the kid being the local. It si sad to think that a mental evaluation does not matter in these cases. he thought the problem was him and removed himself from teh equation. Certainly, he is no doctor, but blaming oneself or trying to stay a caregiver does not help when a mental condition is overwhelming.
to OP: get APRC for starters, then sign the papers. Try to speak to teh family, at least let them know your concerns. they can blame you but insist that she needs care. they will probably blame you. I know of a guy who was blamed for hsi wife’s cancer “beacsue he ate salads”. Anyways, do your best to get help for her, based on the love you once had. Do not expect thanks or anything. But do it.
Afterwards, please continue your education, get another degree, study Chinese, do not let yourself fall in despair. Push yourself to get up and go each day, to achieve better financial situation and to be happy again.
Good point. I was just assuming he had one or he would have simply left the country. Wasn’t the marriage-based residence/work permit replaced by an equivalent APRC a couple of years back? I thought they had basically been combined, such that marriage got you an APRC except with a different set of requirements.
that’s the part you need to make a really careful decision. If you’re really too scared to boot yourself out, rent a place on your own, you can just continue staying in your marriage. Yes, you want your freedom, but freedom comes at a high price.
If your only problem is where will you live after you get your divorce, find an affordable rent like a room for about $3000 per month(you sound like you have a job), or go to a Catholic church and ask for help(they might have a room to shelter you at a very cheap price or free donation).
As for your canoe, oven, refrigerator…maybe not the canoe, but just leave those appliances…what are you gonna do with them anyway?
Quick answer, yes, she apparently does have at least mentionable liquid assets based on her purchasing habits, but I do not know the extent of which, and would rather not bring them into the picture: I have no right to such assets, and will not consider going after them.
The idea of “getting paid” in return for signing the papers is distasteful to me. Thank you for your suggestion, but I cannot follow your advice.
I truly appreciate your comment. She doesn’t even know how to manage a canoe, yet I was born into it. The same pretty much goes for the oven, but that’s something I can easily replace: the canoe is an ONAK origami plastic canoe, only 17kg, and an absolute dream for this Wisconsin Northwoods boy: I will be negotiating for that for sure.
It was nearly NT40,000.
Finley, you’re revealing your lack of information here, which unfortunately sides with my dwindling appreciation for your contributions on this thread. You’re veering towards snide presumptions of my situation, and that has been grating me a little bit. Don’t tell me “that is known as life,” friend, because I have lived one and have experienced my fair share of .
The JFRV and APRC and simple ARC are still entirely separate. I have this from an NIA senior employee–a former student. If you’re not up-to-date, in-the-know, and willing to help out, then graciously exit this particular issue.
pieta.mabel makes a very good point here. You can indeed throw yourself on the mercy of the Catholic church here - there can be rooms or dorms to had for a short/medium stay, for a cheap price or donation. I’ve seen it done. It’s not everyone’s choice, but it does get you a roof for a while, and buys you breathing space to find somewhere cheap to live.
Why are you so sure you have no right to those assets? I mean, if I understand correctly this shopping started recently, hence would it no mean that she received these assets recently and as such half would be yours?
.