The Jokes Thread


#1

A bunch of UK scientists analysed over 40,000 jokes recently. Here is the one they say is rated the funniest.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. His friend whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:

“My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

“Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says:

“OK, now what?”


#2

Read somewhere where the average guy has a sexual thought about every 20 minutes.
Guess I


#3

Two strangers are seated next to each other on the plane. The guy turned to the cute blonde next to him and makese his move.

"Let's talk." He says. "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly, and asks the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the player. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Oh brother," says the guy. "I have no idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


#4

There's a pirate, and he has a steering wheel in his pants. He says, "Arrr. It's driving me nuts!"


#5

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."


#6

So this woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?"

She says, "I want to kill my husband".

He says, "Sorry, I can't help you with that".

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."


#7

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. And, I'm sorry, they all turned me down."


#8

The following joke made me laugh for a WHOLE day :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: :smiley:.
Have a groovy & funtastic weekend, guys!!

Acronyms

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions:

The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE....ya know...Young, Urban Professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK...ya know...Double Income, No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied......"I'm a WIFE...ya know....Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."


#9

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
    for possible later review; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
    time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


#10

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to . . . ."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too. You can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of um, er. . !" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my word!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your . . . um . . . equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. "Madam? Madam? . . . my goodness, she's fainted!"


#11

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.


#12

Q. what`s an australian kiss?

A. a french kiss but down under.
(now laugh)


#13

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''


#14

Microsoft vs. General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles with a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"


#15

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B&Q either."


#16

A penguin is driving merrily down the road when suddenly the engine light goes on and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood. He calls AAA and gets his car towed in to a mechanic.

The mechanic tells the penguin, "It's going to take about an hour for me to diagnose the problem."

It's lunchtime, so the penguin heads over to the grocery store. He chills out in the frozen foods section, nibbling on some fish sticks and having some vanilla ice cream, that sort of thing. Then he heads back to the mechanic's shop.

The mechanic comes out of the garage bay wiping his hands, and says, "well, it looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin rubs his flippers along his beak and says, "No, no! Really! It's just ice cream!"


#17

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads : " Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. " The dog has money in its mouth as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten-dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat, looking outside, waiting for the bus-stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. " What in heaven's name are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me ! ", to which the guy responds: " You call this clever ? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key ! "

Moral of the story ... you may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations, but still fall short of the bosses' expectations !


#18

Brother is "Out"

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"


#19

Imani, I was just going to post the Panda joke ("Eats shoots and leaves). It was Mapodofu's penguin joke that reminded me. The funniest one so far.

But Mr He, you reminded me of one.

A guy walks into the bar. Bartender asks "usual pint of bitter then?".
"Nope", the young chap replies, "I'll have a creme de menthe tonight"
"What's the special occassion"
"I just had my first blowjob"
Young fulla gets his drink and knocks it back quick fast.
"That was quick. Do you want another?"
"No thanks, if that doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will".

The Bill Gates joke reminds me of the time my friend had a meeting in the Business/First Class lounge at LAX airport. He was waiting for his client, and he just happened to see Bill Gates at the other table. He wanders over and says, excuse me Mr Gates, I really admirew what you've done, and I'm just wondering if you could do me a favour"
"What is it?" replies Bill.
"Well I have an important meeting with a client in minute, and I was hoping as you left, you could just say "Hi" on you way out, to help me impress him. My names Matt by the way"
"Oh yeah, sure" says Gates
So my friend has his meeting, and sure enough, after a while Gates comes over to the table on his way out and says "Hi Matt, how's it going", to which my firend says "fuck off Bill, can;t you see I'm busy".

I was also reminded of the joke about the beauty contest and the tank, but I can't tell that here.

Brian


#20

Dick and Joe were taking a business trip to Pittsburgh. As they were approaching the ticket counter, they could not help but notice the stunning blonde with the huge breasts behind the counter.

Dick: "Hi. We're here to pick up two pickets to titsburgh...oh God! I'm sorry. That'd be two tickets to Pittsburgh! Geez."

Blonde (giggling): "Sure. Your names?" etc. etc.

Once Dick and Joe were seated on the plane, Dick said to Joe "Man. I can't believe I said that. What a moron I am."

Joe laughs and says "Buddy, don't worry about it. I do it all the time. Why, just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'Honey, can you pass the jam?' and instead I said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch!!'"