The Jokes Thread

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny, “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Ok, I read the lot and these are definitely new…=-)

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are duelling on the Death Star.
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“What do you mean?”
Humm, Whoosh
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“I don’t understand”
Humm, Whoosh
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“What are you talking about?”
Humm, Whoosh
" I’ve felt your presents!"


Young mum has micarried numerous times and gone through untold rounds of fertility treatment. She has just had the c-section and the baby is dead. Knowing this was her last chance the Hospital administrator calls a meeting…
“So we need a volunteer to tell Mrs Jones about this tragedy”
The young Intern; Bruce pipes up “Yeah I’ll do it”
After a huge sigh of relief it is agreed.

…So Bruce rollerskates into the maternity ward holding the baby wrapped in a blanket he sails past Mrs jones’ bed and hits the wall under the window. The baby flies from his grasp and falls 20 stories to the car park.
The distraught Mrs Jones leaps from the bed unplugging all sorts of equipment as she tears to the window; seeing her infant mashed to pieces on the tarmac she starts wailing and beating young Bruce.
“You B**** you F***** B***** you killed my baby”

“April Fool Sheila” says Bruce “It was dead already!”

You know you’re trailer trash when…

…you think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

…your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

…you think a Volvo is a part of a woman’s anatomy.

…someone in your family has died right after saying, “Hey, y’all - watch this!”

…a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 worth of improvement.

…you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

I hope this one hasn’t been posted before…Sorry ladies, tongue in cheek…

Subject: FBI Recruiting

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

MORAL: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them

[quote=“Drew Carey”]A man is applying for the job as piano player in a bar. The manager says, “Let’s hear you play.”
The man plays the most beautiful song the manager has ever heard. The manager says, “I’ve never heard that song. It’s so beautiful.”
“Thanks.” Says the man. “It’s an original tune. It’s called, The I’ve Got Dog Shit on My Pecker and Rover’s Done Run Off Blues.”
“Oh”, says the manager, somewhat taken aback. “Do you know any other songs?”
“Sure”, says the man and begins to play a song even more beautiful than the first.
The manager is beside himself with emotion. “Another beautiful song that I’ve never heard before!”
“That’s another original tune. It’s called The Fuck-Your-Brother Blow-a-Goat Waltz in D Minor.”
The manager thinks for a minute and says, “Okay, I’m going to hire you, but on one condition. You can never tell my customers the names of the songs you’re playing.”
So the man agrees and comes back to play that very night. The audience is stunned by his mastery of the piano and the beauty of his compositions.
He takes a break to go to the bathroom, but after he pees, he forgets to zip up his zipper. Another customer sees him and says, “Do you know your zipper’s undone and your cock’s hanging out?”
“Know it?” The man says. “I wrote it!”
[/quote]

Guy goes to the village folk medicine crone, says he wants to do something to enhance his manly endowment.
She tells him to cover it with lard every night for 3 weeks and then come back and see her.
After only TWO weeks, he returns, distraught.
She asks him what’s wrong.
He says “Jeez, I’ve been doing what you told me, and, not only has it not grown, it’s SHRUNK by 2 inches!!”
She says “Hmm, that’s weird, are you sure you followed my instructions?”
He says “Yeah, every night, before I went to bed, I covered it with Crisco, just like you said!”
“You dumb sonofabitch!” she says “That’s shortening!!”

…AAARRRGGGgggghhhh…damn witchdoctors… :bravo:

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top
prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night” She said,

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.”

[quote=“the chief”]Guy goes to the village folk medicine crone, says he wants to do something to enhance his manly endowment.
She tells him to cover it with lard every night for 3 weeks and then come back and see her.
After only TWO weeks, he returns, distraught.
She asks him what’s wrong.
He says “Jeez, I’ve been doing what you told me, and, not only has it not grown, it’s SHRUNK by 2 inches!!”
She says “Hmm, that’s weird, are you sure you followed my instructions?”
He says “Yeah, every night, before I went to bed, I covered it with Crisco, just like you said!”
“You dumb sonofabitch!” she says “That’s shortening!!”[/quote]

That’s an old one…

A guy returns from his trip in Asia. Of course he had been screwing around so he picked up something. The first doctor he goes to tells him that it’s incurable and will need to operate.

The guy refuses and finds a second doctor for an opinion. The doctor tells him the same thing.

So, after a few frustrating days, the guy figures, if he caught something Asia then an Asian doctor should be able to help him. He finds an Asian doctor, who reassures him “No need to have it removed.” The guy sighs relief. The doctor then says “It’s gonna fall off in two weeks anyway.” :smiley:

The Loving Husband…?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
有一個男人跟他一天到晚只會抱怨的妻子來到耶路撒冷渡假。

While they were there, the wife passed away.
在渡假當中,他的妻子突然去世了。

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
葬儀社的人跟他說:您可以選擇花$5,000將尊夫人的遺體運回您的國家,
或者花 $150把她葬在這聖地耶路撒冷。

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
那人想了一會兒,就跟葬儀社的人說他要把她運回家鄉。

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?”
葬儀社的人不解地問他說:為何您寧可花$5,000把尊夫人運回家鄉,
而不願意將她葬在這美好之地,而且花更少錢呢?

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here,and three days later, he rose from the dead.”
那人回答:很久以前,有一個人在這裡死了,埋在這裡,過了三天,他又復活了。
(聖經記述… 耶穌死後第三天復活】

He continued: “I just can’t take that chance…”
他繼續說著:我就是不想冒這個險…

[quote=“Rascal”]John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top
prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night” She said,

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.”[/quote] :bravo: :bravo: :bravo:

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They’re always plotting something.

1 Like

What is a ninja’s favorite section of the bookstore? Stealth help

Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What’s the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face

How many ninjas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whoa, it’s already been changed!

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

President Trump never had a garbanzo bean on him.

2 Likes

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny