The Jokes Thread


#181

ok, ok, ok..here's another one in the spirit of the season...

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu,
I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu.
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang...................

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
and a happy New Year."


#182

Another Christmas joke:

A line of recently deceased persons were waiting outside the pearly gates, when St Peter came to give them the news:

"Alright, the bad news is that none of you are on the list, but seeing as it's Christmas the boss has ordered me to give you all a special chance. Tell me how you died, and produce something you have with me, and if they're related to Christmas, you'll get in".

So the first guy goes up:
"How did you die then" says St Pete
"I got hit by a bus, on the way home from midnight mass" says the guy, pulling out a bible from his pvocket.
"Very good, in you go, says St Pete

2nd guy:
"I fell off the ladder, hanging up decorations", pulls out some mistletoe from his pockets.
"Not exactly,religious, but Chirstmassy. Ok, in you go".

3rd guy:
"I died sculling an entire bottle of vodka"
"What''s that got to do with Christmas?"
"It was at the office Christmas party"
"And what have you got in your pockets?
The guy pulls out a pair of women's knickers.
"That's hardly relgious - what do panties have to do with Christmas?"
"They're Carol's!"

:blush:

Brian


#183

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You


#184

then there is the one where pinnochio's girlfriend is sitting on his face saying 'lie you bastard, lie'


#185

Did you hear the one about the guy working at the


#186

or the lady that came into the sperm bank and they said, "You're a woman, you can't donate sperm." But she couldn't answer because her mouth was full.


#187

whilst we're still on an x-mas theme...


#188

A Mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when a well known heart surgeon came in to his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The Mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The Surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The Mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The Surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the Mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."


#189

Reminds me of the christmas song by James Brown..

Santa Claus come straight to the ghetto.....


#190

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."


#191

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


#192

sorry, decided to delete this post since mods felt it was only good for jokes thread. I thought it had more value since some of the stories were interesting/truthful. This is the last time i'll make any effort to be creative.


#193

Sweet, just when I thought I didn't get enough of these forwarded to me by every man and his dog.


#194

Reading your post was like drinking content from a fire hydrant. Thanks for the entertainment though 4nr -- it did help this mouse potato avoid for a few minutes that nasty 'work virus' I've been hearing about.

:wink:


#195

Get ready to flame away...

Made this side splitter up the other day, after thinking about the linguistic foibles of my old students back in the ROC:

Q: What do you get when you put schmegma. KY, and two pieces of toast together?

A: A Penis Batter and jelly sandwich

Badda bing!


#196

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The
plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


#197

Q.: Why is a one night stand like a snow storm for a woman?

A.: She doesn't know how many inches she will get nor when it will stop.

:wink:


#198

Reminded me of something I once saw on Bash.org... site full of funny IRC quotes, for those of you who don't know.

Forgive the dirtiness. :smiley:


#199

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."


Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You don't know! You weren't there!


Q: What's the difference between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: One's a man who walked on the moon, and the other fucks little boys in the ass.


Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.


A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"

" Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"


Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"


An elderly Irish gentleman named John Shawnessey is lying on his death bed, awaiting the end. He smells the aroma of chocolate-chip cookies--his favorite.

He decides that, if he must die, he is going to die with the taste of chocolate-chip cookies in his mouth. He slowly and painfully drags himself from his bed. With tremondous effort, he crawls down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious aroma. He enters the kitchen, and spies a plate of chocolate chip cookies on top of the refrigerator.

Summoning the last of his strength, he claws his way up the side of the fridge and takes a cookie. Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, his wife appears and whacks him over the head with a spoon.

"Get away from those cookies, John Shawnessey!" cries his wife. "Those are for the funeral!"


Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A: Being able to walk


#200

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light
bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is
improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
illusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work.
That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines
the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?