The Jokes Thread


#201

What do you call Paris Hilton teaching Pamela Anderson how to change a light bulb?

The blonde leading the blonde.


#202

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr--
MOOO !


#203

Thanks, moo, that was so stupid it made me laugh, which is just what one needs after a trip through IP trolldom :slight_smile:


#204

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

(I searched for this first, didn't find it, apologies if it's been posted somewhere else)


#205

This has probably been posted before, and if it has flame it please. If it's in poor taste, then sorry....

A man is sitting on his porch while his neighbors are leaving town because of a hurricane and predicted flooding. They called to him "Hey Bob, you best get in this car or you're gonna be swept away."

Bob replied "Don't you worry. The Lord will save me."

So, the flood comes along and Bob moves to the second floor of his house. Some people pass by in a boat, and call out to help him. Bob just waves them off saying "Don't you worry, the good Lord will save me.'

Now the flood is too high, and Bob has to go on his roof. The coast guard come in a helicopter telling him to get in the basket. Bob waves them off, yelling out "Don't you worry, the good Lord will save me. "

So, sadly Bob drowned. As he gets into Heaven, he is greeted by God. Bob says to him "God, I had soo much faith in you. Why didn't you save me from drowning."

God says " Well Bob, I sent you a car, boat, and a helicopter....."

:wink:


#206

My mom tells me that one all the time. More as a parable than a joke, though. She tells me that when she really wants to say "There is no such thing as fate get off your lazy ass"


#207

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and
continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL - Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.


#208

Say you've got a bar, and you need a new server. Three girls respond to the ad in the paper to be interviewed. How do you choose the right one?

You ask the three prospective servers the following question: "You find a twenty-dollar bill on the floor. What do you do with it?"

Girl #1: I pick it up and put it in my pocket. Lucky for me!

Girl #2: I take it to the bartender and ask him to put it behind the bar. If the guy who lost it asks for it, he returns it to him. If not, we put it in with the tips.

Girl #3: I hold it up and ask everyone around who dropped a twenty until I find the guy who it belongs to.

So, now, you as the owner of the bar...which one do you hire?

Answer: The one with the biggest tits!


#209

Q: What do Vermonters do on Halloween?
A: They pump kin.


#210

There once was a rabbi named Keith
who circumcised men with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
nor sexual pleasure
He just liked the cheese underneath

...

There was a young girl whose divinity
Preserved her in perfect virginity,
'Til a candle, her nemesis,
Caused parthenogenesis -
Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity


#211

Q: what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a buck and a quarter, and deer nuts are under a buck.


#212

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.

One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give up. What did you do with the goddamn ship?"


#213

What do you call a cow with no front legs?

Lean Beef


#214

What do you call a cow with no legs at all?

Ground beef


#215

Q: What is Moby Dick's father's name?

A: Poppa Boner


#216

Paddy had suffered an unfortunate accident, and was in the hospital with both legs in traction. One day he was desperately calling for a nurse to get him the bedpan because needed a crap.
However after calling and calling, he finally just did it anyway. Then, he had a problem, what to do with it? Eventually he managed to gather up the now soiled sheet and bundle it up. But what to do now?
As he is thinking about this, he notices the open window next to bed, and decides to just hiff the sheet out the window.

A few minutes later, visiting time begins, and his friend Mick comes in to visit him.
"Mick" Paddy says, "Whatever happened to you? You look a right state?!"
"Well Paddy says Mick, "You'd be in a right state too if you had just beat the shit out a ghost that flew out of a fifth story window!"


#217

Has this one had a run?

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks, "What's your IQ?" The fellow replies "150," and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns round, and comes back in for another drink. Again the robot serves him a perfect cocktail and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About 100."

Immediately the robot begins to converse once more, but this time about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns and breasts.

Really impressed, the fellow leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns. Again the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Umm... 50, I think."

And the robot says, ... really slowly ... "So ............... ya ... gonna vote .... for ... that thar ... Bush agin?"


#218

The difference between guts and balls:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."


#219

A husband who is an avid golfer go golfs with his friends always on the 25th of each month. When Chrimas came around each of the man's friends tried tocreate a varity of excuses on how to go golfing. When they all arrived at the golf course, each one shared their stories about how angry their wives were, ecept for the avid golfer Each friend was amazed and asked how he did it. He told them, that he rolled over that moring and told the wife "intercourse or golf course' she said, 'don;t forget your sweater'


#220

Little Johnny is is a nudist beach with his mother and father...
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told Little Johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little Johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."