The Jokes Thread


#81

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.


#82

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a warm dog?.......

Santa Claus wears a Big Red Suit...

And a warm dog just pants...

:help: :help: :help: :help: :help:


#83

A Frank Carson classic....

[i]Father Dunn, a country priest was walking back to the rectory after visting an outlying parish. As he passed a quaint litte pond he heard a tiny voice call out,

"Help! Help!"

The priest stopped in his tracks and looked around.

"Down here! Down here!", the voice called out.

The priest looked down, and there he saw a poor little toad next to the pond.

"Father you have to help me", the toad called up to the amazed priest.

"Eh... I must be losing my sanity." Father Dunn said to himself.

"No, father you're not. It's me, Timmy O'reilly, the alterboy from St. Luke's", the toad said in desperation. "I'm the victim of a terrible curse. A horrible old gypsy hag transformed me into a toad, because I made fun of her", Timmy the toad explained.

"That's horrible, my son." The priest sympathized. "But how can I help, Timmy?"

"In order to undue the curse, I have to pass the night in the bed of a holy man", said Timmy. "Can you carry me back to the rectory, and let me stay with you?"

"Well, Timmy, but of course! Let's set off immediately, and let God's will be done to defeat this evilness!", said Father Dunn.

And sure enough, in the morning, lying in bed next the priest, was not a sorry little becursed toad, but the fully restored Timmy O'Reilly.[/i]

And that, your Honor, is the case for the defence.


#84

100 funniest jokes according to GQ magazine


#85

A college student was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green.......lime,"
"Orange..........orange."

Finally the student gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God! They're assholes!"


#86

Another one from Frank Carson (http://www.frankcarson.com/about.html):

One day a wave of hornyness sweeps over me while I'm walking down the street, and though it was not my ususal thing I nip into a Porno theater to see some action.

The kind of reprobates you'd expect to find in such a place shuffle in and take seats as far away from each other as possible.

The house lights dim, and then 61 minutes of the most hardcore nasty group fucking I've ever seen, or even imagined takes place on screen. Big scandinavian types in leather, with whips and chains, gang banging, facials, and to top it off, at the climactic ending of the film, a midget in a toga rides in on an enormous great dane. After fluffing the animal, and setting it lose, the massive dog, with a donkey's dick, proceeds to have his way with everyone and anyone it can jump on. The End.

I'm shocked.

The house lights come on, and the reprobates collect themselves, straighten their clothes and shuffle out.

I'm amazed to find a sweet looking elderly couple sitting a few seats away from me. We are the last ones left in the theatre. And the dainty looking old grandma is even wiping what looks like tears of joy from her face.

Curiosity gets the best of me. I have to ask.

"Eh.... excuse me. Did you enjoy the film?"

"Good god, no!" They reply in unision. "Ghastly. Horrible. Perverse", they say.

"Well, did you like the story?" I pursue.

"What story? Was their a story?!" - they ask, in surprise.

"The acting?" I ask, still trying to figure them out.

"No, no. Not at all! Simply dreadful. Immoral. Sinful. Revolting", they exclaim.

"So... do you often see... this kind of flim?" I ask.

"Absolutely not! Perish the thought," The old man says indignantly.
"But we HAVE seen this one five times now," The sweet litte grandma confides.

"Five times?! But why?! I just don't get it!"

"That's our dog."


#87

A city boy named Kenny moved to the country and bought
a donkey from an old Texas farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed
to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,

but I have some bad news. The donkey died on the way over to
your place."

So Kenny said, "Well then,  just give me back my money."

The farmer replied, "Can't do that. I spent it  already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked,  "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody 
           he is dead."


A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,

"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at  
        two dollars apiece and made a tidy profit 
            of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone  complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two 
            dollars back."

Kenny grew up and and prospered, eventually becoming

the chairman of ...Enron.


#88

There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1- He played the sax.

Number 2- He smoked weed.

Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.


#89

A Texan, a guy from Massachusetts, and a Vermonter are riding horses out on the range. The Texan, just to show off, pulls an expensive bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag, takes a couple drinks, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in mid-air.

The guy from Massachusetts is shocked and asks, "What are you doing?That's a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan replies, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!"

A little while later, not wanting to be outdone, the guy from Massachusetts pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it, just like the Texan.

The guy from Vermont can't believe it. "What are you doing? That was a very expensive bottle of champagne. With a wink to the Texan he says "In Boston, there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

About 15 minutes later, the Vermonter pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it and takes a sip. Then another sip. Then he chugs the rest of the bottle. Then places the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun and shoots the guy from Massachusetts.

The Texan is visibly shaken. "What the Hell did you do that for?!?!" The Vermonter replies, "Well, in Vermont, we have plenty of people from Massachusetts, and bottles are returnable.


#90

That reminds of a classic joke about Aggies.

Three guys go down to Mexico one weekend, get drunk, and wind up in a barfight. One of the locals gets killed and naturally the three gringos take the blame. So the next day they're heading up the electric chair.

They pull the switch on the first guy and it doesn't work. They try again - no can do. So the first guy says, "This is proof from God that I am innocent. Listen, I am a student at the University of Arkansas Medical School, and if y'all release me, I promise to provide your small community here with 5 years' worth of free medical service as a token of my gratitude." They think about it, and agree to the deal.

The second guy goes up to the chair and it's the same story. "This is proof from God of my innocence! I am a law student at Tulane University in New Orleans and if y'all agree to pardon me, I will graciously provide free legal services to the members of this community for 5 years." They let him go, as well.

They bring the third guy up to the chair - same story. "I am a student at the University of Texas for Agriculture & Engineering and am studying to be an electrical engineer, and I think if y'all connect these red wires over to these blue wires over there we can get this sucker up and running."


#91

Subject: The cop & the Pope

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded
into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver
notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my
job!

And what if something should happen?" protests the
driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until
they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to
talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, ! "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Cheers,
CK


#92

A devout Catholic is on an airplane, waiting for take-off. He overhears the cabin crew whispering that the Pope is going to be on the flight. The guy thinks that this is amazing, being a big fan of the Pontiff and everything, and starts thinking about how cool it would be if he could meet him.

Well, wouldn't you know it, but the Pope comes and sits down in the seat next to him. Our man is very excited. He is trying to come up with an excuse to start talking to the Pope, when the Pope pulls out his newspaper, and starts doing the crossword.

'This is great,' thinks our man, 'I'm good at crosswords, so maybe if he gets stuck he'll ask for some help!'

Sure enough, after a few minutes the Pope turns to him and says "Excuse me, my son, do you know a 4-letter word for 'woman'? Space UN space?"

'Oh no,' thinks our man, 'I can't tell him that! He's the Pope!' So he shakes his head, and tells the Pope he has no idea.

Ten minutes later though, he realises what the answer is.

Turning to the Pope he says "Excuse me, your Holiness, but I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course!" replies the Pope. "Could I borrow an eraser?"


#93

... a friend of mine used to perform vasectomies until one day his hand slipped and he got the sack.


#94

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's
okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need collateral to
secure the loan.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


#95

Damn! That's one to remember.


#96

A king had a perplexing problem...everytime someone rode across the drawbridge a giant yellow hand would rise out of the moat and drag the unfortunate individual down into the murket water. Soon the inhabitants of the castle were on the verge of starvation.

One of the court pages volunteered to give it one last try. He approached the bridge and then walked slowly across. No sign of the giant yellow hand and the castle was saved.

Moral: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.


#97

Spring came after a long cold winter and all the trees on the block began to wake up. A hoary old oak turned to his neighbor, a maple, and said, "Say, isn't that a newcomer down at the end of the block?" The maple took a look over and replied, "Yes, it is. I'd say that young stripling is a son of a beech."

"No way," said the oak. "That has to be a son of a birch."

The two then started to go at it, grousing back and forth: "Son of a beech." "Son of a birch," until finally the maple said, "This is getting us nowhere. Let's ask the woodpecker to fly down there for a close inspection, and then report back."

So, the two of them called the woodpecker over, told him about their dispute, and asked him to fly down, check the new stripling out, and then report back.

The woodpecker flew over, circled the young tree a couple of times, made a few exploratory taps with its beak, then settled onto a branch and laid into the tree with a long series of rat-a-tat-tats. Then he flew around to the other side and went at it again. Finally he flew back to the oak and the maple to make his report.

"Well," they asked him, "Is it a son of a beech, or is it a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker just shook his head and grinned. "It isn't a son of a beech," he told them, "and it isn't a son of a birch either. It's just about the finest young piece of ash that I've ever sunk my pecker in!


#98

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The egg is lounging against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a look of smug satisfaction on it's face.

The chiken, looking very peeved, grabs the quilt, rolls over
and says: "Well we finally answered THAT question!"


#99

Excellent!!!!


#100

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. 'I think it's raining', he said to his wife. 'No, that felt more like snow to me', she replied. 'No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said'. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 'Let's not fight about it', the man said, 'Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing'. As the official approached, the man said, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?' 'It's raining, of course', he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: 'I know that felt like snow!' To which the man quietly replied: 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear'.

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain. Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"