The Jokes Thread


#101

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


#102

:laughing: :laughing:

That was good.


#103

I was sitting at a bar counter one night when the guy down at the end of the counter suddenly slammed his beer glass down and said very loudly:

"My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N. I'm from Texas. I'm six foot two, weigh two hundred and ten pounds, and I'm white from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, and I hate blacks!"

Well, everone in the bar said "hmm" and went back to talking and drinking and having a good time. But about ten minutes later the guy at the end of the bar slammed his beer glass down on the bar again and said:

"My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N. I'm from Texas. I'm six foot two, weigh two hundred and ten pounds, and I'm white from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, and I hate Mexicans!"

Well the guy I'm sitting with is Jewish and he says to me " I'm gonna get this guy before he gets to me". So he slams his beer down on the bar and says very loudly:

"My name is Goldstein. G-O-L-D-S-T-E-I-N. I'm from New Jersey. I'm five foot three, weigh one hundred pounds, and I'm white from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, that is except for my asshole, and its Brown. B-R-O-W-N."


#104

what is the opposite of christofer reeves?

christofer walken


#105

A Sang was sitting in the beer bar when he had to go and relieve himself. "I spit here" he wrote on his beer can. When the Sang came back from the toilet, he saw the words "So did I" written below his own. "If I close my eyes, then I won't drink it," the Sang told himself as he quickly gulped down his beer.

A Sang: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Sang: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

One Sang was writing an application for an interview. In the place of `sex' category he wrote "twice a week". He handed it over to the officer. The officer aked that "In Sex you were supposed to write male or female !" He answered: "Sometimes male but mostly with female"

Q: What happens when a Sang with an erection walks into a wall?'
A:
He breaks his nose.'

A Rajput, Havildar Singh, asks his long-time Sang friend, Ashutosh Sharma, " Panditji, I have heard that in Sang families, the mother has intercourse with the son, and the father with the daughter, in the manner of Brahma and Sarasvati of the Vedas. Is that true? "
Panditji replied, " You are only two-thirds correct! "
Asked the Rajput, " How so? "
Whereupon Panditji replied, " The Son also has intercourse with the Sister, like Pushan and his Sister. "

Once a Sang went to america. He was careful of his friend's advice about the American culture. He was told to be carefull of venereal diseases. A lean boy approached the Sang. "Give me all your money. If you refuse, I will use this syringe here, full of the HIV virus!" said the boy, brandishing a syringe.
The Sang was too angry, and he shouted, "You fool! I am very careful I have worn condoms!"

Q: What do you give a Sang as a gift on New Year?
A: Tie a hand grenade into a box and attach the pin to the box, and give him the box!

One day a Sang was riding his cow backwards (facing towards the back).
The people called out to him saying, "Hey, you are sitting on your cow backwards!"
"No", he replied, "It's not that I am sitting on the cow backwards, the cow's facing the wrong way."

Once, three men were travelling together across India; One Muslim, one Dravidian and one a Sang. When they reached the Ganga, they had to hire a boat to cross it. All of a sudden, the boatsman fell into the water and the ship started to sink. The Muslim prayed his Allah, jumped in the water, and was miraculously saved by Allah. Seeing this, the Dravidian prayed to Shiva, jumped in the water and was miraculously saved by Lord Shiva. Seeing this, the Sang prayed to his Lingam, but since there were twelve incarnations of Shiva Lingam, and thirty-three crore of other gods, they all fought amongst one another and the Sang drowned.

A new priest at his first ceremony was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Shuklaji for some advice. Pandit Shukla replied, "When I'm worried about getting nervous, I take a few sips of bhang just to calm my nerves."
So the next day he took the older priest's advice. Before the ceremony, he got nervous and took some bhang. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the ceremony, he found the following note under his door:

A few sips of bhang. Not the whole bowl.
There are 4 Vedas, not 10.
There are 10 avatars, not 4.
There are 4 varnas (castes or colors), not 7
The castes have little to do with the colors of the rainbow.
It is das-avatar (ten incarnations), not dushera avatar
The Pandavas wagered their wife, they did not "bet their woman".
We do not refer to Ram chandra as "the late R.C."
Buddha did not derive his name from Buddhu' (stupid)
We do not refer to Hanuman as "Hanu", nor do we call him "The Big Monkey"
We do not refer to Rama's father as "Ram ka Baap".
We call Krishna as Krishna (black) or Shyama (dark), not
Kalu' (blackie, nigger)
Krishna defeated the Kauravas, he did not break their heads.
We do not refer to the swastika as the Big X.
Rama's wife is referred to as Sita, not, "The Woman with the Yoni"
The recommended grace is "Om Shanti" for peace, not "Om Shakti".


#106

A priest, a rabbi, and a blind Muslim cleric toured a nuclear fuel rod reburbishment factory. The priest says, "I pray that God doesn't let this dangerous material fall into the wrong hands." The rabbi says, "I shouldn't happen that this stuff could be used against my people." and the blind cleric says, "Hey! What? What's everyone looking at me for?"


#107

what is the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken.


#108

You posted the same lame ass 'joke' on April 25. :unamused:


#109

On the subject of Christopher Walken, here's a picture of him with a stiffy: forumosa.com/taiwan/viewtopic.php?t=17240


#110

I can see the stiff(y). Where's Chris? :idunno:


#111

He's the one on the right:

Christopher Walken:

Man with stiffy:


#112

BFM, is this all some cryptic (crypt - geddit?) reference to "Things to do in Denver when you're dead?"


#113

Heres one -
An American was burnt to death in a fire and his two Canadian buddies were asked to identify the body.
The Coroner asked the first guy, "Is this man the Yank ?"
"Turn him over I'm not certain."
He then peers at the dead mans bottom.
"No I guess not," he replied
The second Canadian was asked the same question and again asked the coroner to turn over the body which was face up. Again he looks up the backside, sees one hole and says-
" No its not him, I'm certain" said the 2nd guy.
"How on earth do you know ?" Said the coroner.
"Because ever time we walked down the road together, people always said, Hey, here's the Yank with the two arseholes." replied the Canadian !!


#114

A guy goes into the Tavern and orders a beer. They bring him a beer and say,


#115

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else -- do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive....... so I'm headed for the bar anyway. It never hurts to be safe.


#116

Which anti-virus software or hardware would you recommend?


#117

Carlinisms

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:

  1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

  2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
    faith.

  3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Imponderables:

  1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
    he become disoriented?

  2. If people from Poland! are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
    called Holes?

  3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

  4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

  8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  9. Why do croutons come in airt! ight packages? Aren't they just stale
    bread to begin with?

  10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
    drives a race car not called a racist?

  12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

  13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

  14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

  15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
    Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
    that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
    models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

  17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

  18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

  19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . they're cramming for their final exam.

  21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
    and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
    we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

  23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
    others here for?

  24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  25. How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
    winning?

  26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

  27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
    nuts.

  28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


#118

It's official. George Carlin is the funniest man alive.


#119

Federal thought tax.


#120

Three old ladies, Gertrude, Mabel and Tillie, were sitting on a park bench, having a quiet conversation, when a flasher suddenly appeared.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat!

Gertrude immediately had a stroke!

Then, Maude had a stroke, too!

But, Tillie, being older and feebler.

. . couldn't reach that far!