The Jokes Thread


#121

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"


#122

A rich man and a poor man, both of whom had married their wives on the same day, were discussing what they had bought their spouses for an anniversary present.
The rich man said, " I bought my wife a diamond ring and a BMW. Thus, if she hates the ring, she can return it and still be happy."
The poor man said, "I bought my wive a pair of slippers and a dildo. Thus, if she hates the slippers, she can go fuck herself."


#123

One day this penguin is driving around when his engine starts making weird sounds. He pulls into the garage and tells the mechanic about it.
The mechanic says "well, I'm gonna have to take a look under the hood to see whats wrong before I start working on it, so it's gonna be a few minutes."
The penguin waddles outside and decides he wants to go across the street and buy some ice cream. He orders a vanilla cone, but because he has these fins, he gets it all over himself. After a while he manages to finish the cone, but he's just covered in the shit.
So he waddles back into the garage, and the mechanic shakes his head and says "it looks like you blew a seal".
"No, no", replies the penguin, "it's just ice cream."


#124

The Adult Version of 'The Night Before Christmas'

'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jocked, to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S


#125

A gay guy walks into a barber shop and asks him, "How can I grow hair on my chest?" the Barber Replies, " Well, I hear if you put vasaline on your chest it usually grows hair on your chest."

So, night rolls around and the gay guy is in bed with the vasaline on his chest. His lover gets into bed with him and puts his hand on the gay guy's chest. He says, " What the hell is that? " the gay guy replies, " The barber told me to put vasaline on my chest to grow hairs ". The lover says, "If vasaline grows hair, then you'd have a poney tail coming out of your ass".


#126

Er, [url=http://tw.forumosa.com/t/the-jokes-thread/2448/16 of page 2[/url]. :slight_smile:


#127

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

"If we hang around here much longer, someone's going to think we're nuts!"


#128

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"


#129

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on a hill looking down at a pasture filled with cows. The young bull excitedly says to his father, "Dad, let's run down this hill and fuck one of them cows!
The father bull thinks for a moment and then replies, "Son, let's walk down the hill and fuck them all."


#130

President Bush is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Bush asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies, Mr. President." Bush thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Laura what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Republican puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"


#131

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"


#132

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man sitting on the bench across from him said, "son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" said the man, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!"


Little BILLY returns home from school and tells his dad he got an "F" in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked, How much is 2x3? I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father?
"That's what I said!" BILLY answers.


#133

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but I'm lovin' this! How are you doing?"

The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"

The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"


#134

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"


#135

Early sign your kid is gay


#136

(Sorry if you've heard this one.)

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.


#137

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.


#138


#139

The great wall

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."


#140

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer, and a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn" !
A Bad Skydiver Goes "Damn" ! Whack.

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer