The Jokes Thread


#141

Here's an oldie but a goodie:

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. Mickey gave his reason for wanting to divorce Minnie. After listening to Mickey, the judge asked,

"So, Mickey, let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy, right?"

"No, no, no," Mickey answered. "I don't want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy. I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy."


#142

Three men are heading toward the pearly gates soon after
their deaths. When they arrive, Saint Peter says, "Gentlemen, you
will be asked to answer a skill testing question before you are
admitted to heaven. If you answer correctly, lights will flash, bells
will ring, the gates will open and you will be free to go on in."

The first man steps up to Saint Peter for his question.
Saint Peter asks, "What was the name of the first man on earth?"
"Oh that's an easy one," the man says, "Adam!"
Lights flash, bells ring, gates open, and the man enters
heaven.

The second man steps up to Saint Peter for his question.
Saint Peter asks, "What was the name of the first woman on earth?"
"Oh that's an easy one," the man says, "Eve!"
Lights flash, bells ring, gates open, and the man enters
heaven.

The third and final man steps up to Saint Peter for his
question. Saint Peter asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to
Adam?"
"That's a hard one," the man says.
Lights flash, bells ring, gates open, and the man enters
heaven.


#143

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says to him, "That's a great physique you have there"
"But let me ask you this....why is your head so small?"

The guy nods slowly, like he's fielded this question many times and says.....

I was hunting in the woods by myself and I got lost. Next thing I know, I hear someone calling for Help, and I find out it's a frog calling that could talk.

The frog says if I give it a kiss, it will turn into a genie and grant me three wishes.

So I look around and make sure I'm alone and then I pick up the frog and give it a kiss

Then in a puff of smoke, a beautiful naked woman appears right before my eyes!

She says...."I'm your genie, and I'm here to grant you 3 wishes."

I look down at my scrawny 125 pound frame and I say "Give me huge muscles, with a body like Arnold Schwartzenneger." And then BAM! I have a body like Arnold, and I burst out of my clothes, and I'm standing there naked.

Then she says....."You have two more wishes." Then I say to her, "Make passionate love to me." And then we're going at it for hours and hours.

Then after I was done, she says to me "You have one more wish."

And I said to her "How about a little Head?"


#144

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender (a Clinton relative) says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"


#145

Why can't they solve murders in Arkansas?

There are no dental records,and all the DNA is the same.


#146

It's from IRC, but this one works in person too with some slight modifications (I've tested it). Corrently my favorite joke (next to the clown one I told at Game Club).

tedward: so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
tedward: he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says,


#147

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench one day eating chocolate bars.
An old man observed Johnny eating one bar after the other and said....
Ya know,eating all those chocolate bar are not good for you.They will rot your teeth give you acne and mabey a bad tummy ache too.You should eat healthy food son.
Little Johnny says "my grandfather lived to be 98 years old."
The old man says "I bet your grandfather didn't eat 7 chocolate bars in a row"
"no" replied Johnny

HE MINDED HIS OWN FU*CKING BUSINESS!


#148

whats the best thing about riding 28 year olds...................................
................................................
there's 20 of them!!! boom boom


#149

What is red, white and black, and can't walk down a corridor?

----A nun with a javelin through her head------------


#150

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."

The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls"

A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"


#151

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"


#152

Warning: it's about penises. I am ripping this off from Dana Wylie who told it at The Living Room during her set last night.

A man wants a tattoo immortalizing his love for his wife. After long deliberation, he decides to have her name - "Wendy" - tattooed on his cock. When said cock is turgid, the whole name can be read; but naturally when it shrinks, the word nearly disappears, reading simply "Wy."

One day the man goes into a public restroom and begins pissing in the urinal next to a Jamaican. Mid-stream he glances over and is surprised to see a "Wy" on the Jamaican's penis too. "Wow, I have that same tattoo!" he tells the Jamaican. "Is your wife named Wendy too?"

"No," the Jamaican replies. "The full tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"


#153

What do McDonalds & Michael Jackson have in common?

They both stick 45 year old meat in 5 year old buns.


#154

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached
the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward
my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!"

The moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car.


#155


#156

Q:What's the best thing about doing twenty-eight year olds?
A:There's twenty of them!


#157

Nice avatar Sun Tan Man. I wanna get me one of those. (the one above is not the one I was refering to here. (The orginal seems to have dispappeared).

Anyway, two nuns are taking a bath together. One says "Where's the soap?", the other one says "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"

How did you manage to make 26 posts with a total word count of zero? Are you some kind of mime artist or something?


#158

[Apologies in advance. I find it moderately offensive, too, but it's funny as hell.]

A guy and his wife are watching TV. A special about the Watusisu tribe comes on. The show explains that as a rite of passage each Watusisu male ties a small rock to the end of his penis with a piece of string. When the male reaches 18 years of age his penis measures 18 inches. The guy's wife looks at him and suggests that he should try it. He has no objections so they go find him a medium sized rock.

A couple of weeks go by and the woman realizes that she hasn't had any "marital relations" with her husband for a while. She calls him at work and asks him how it's going.

He says, "Well it looks like we're halfway there."
She says excitedly, "You mean, it's 9 inches long now?"
He says, "No, but it's black!"


#159

Selected jokes from defectiveyeti.com/archives/001035.html

[quote]
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interr--
Moo.

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Juan.

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?
.A Carrot!

Q. What's grey?
A. A melted penguin.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:


#160

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline:

Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,
Kerry Supporter Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack

"But I'm not a Kerry supporter either!" the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet