The Jokes Thread


#161

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White
House wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a person has
gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush."
---David Letterman

President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last
week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took
office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it
somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs...like
India, or Thailand, or China."
--- Jay Leno

"President Bush has just one question for the American voters: "Is
the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four
years ago?"
--- Jay Leno

"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out
round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have
that? It's called Fox News."
Craig Kilborn

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry
could beat President Bush. The White House is so worried about this,
they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to
next week."
--- Jay Leno

"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6
million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they
were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
--- Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married
in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people
should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're
choosing a president...then he prefers judges."
--- Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say
prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big
deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
--- Jay Leno

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should
have been. We already knew that!"
--- Jay Leno

"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we
went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all how much more
competent a liar Bill Clinton really was."
--- Craig Kilborn

"As you know, President Bush gave his State of the Union Address,
interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."
--- Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to
get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're
going to need are Spanish, Thai, Chinese and Korean, because that's
what they speak where the jobs went!"
--- Jay Leno

The new Prime Minister of Spain called the war in Iraq a disaster,
and decided to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact,
President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to
close down the border between Spain and the U.S.
--- Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract
in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney
without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be
conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman
said simply "'Yes.'"
--- Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the
details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with
unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate
amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that
up."
--- Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he
has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush.
He can't just name a replacement. The guy would first have to be
confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies"
--- Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of
golf in Crawford, Texas a few days ago. This raises the question:
Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had
all those heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
--- Craig Kilborn

Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al
Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of
jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what?
I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those
things didn't come true!"
--- James Carville


#162

One sunny day in late November 2004, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."


#163

Good joke but it's a golden oldie. In the version I first heard the guy keeps asking to see President Clinton and the marine keeps saying that Clinton is no longer president.


#164

A Chinese couple get married, and the virgin bride is nervous. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you desire?"

"I want 69" she replies.

"You want beef fried rice?"


#165

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."


#166

Here's a joke that Miltownkid shared with us at the games club the other week, I'm sure you will be just as moved at the subtle humour and biting satire as we were.

Q: What do you call a Chinese Harry Potter ?

A: Harry Chen

:idunno:


#167

How do Republicans celebrate Halloween

they pumpkin


#168

Did you hear about the pissed dung beetle who fell off his stool?...

Sorry.


#169

The punch line is a harry wang (please click wang if the joke makes absolutely no sense) not Harry Chen.

I also think I deserve bonus points for making it up myself :smiley:.


#170

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying,


#171

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the h-ell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."


#172

A California girlie-man and a Texas cowboy are discussing their favorite sexual positions.

The cowboy states his is rodeo.

Rodeo? asks the Californian.

The cowboy explains:

First you mount her from behind, then reach around and grab her tits, then you whisper in her ear "these feel just like your sister's" and then hang on for as long as you can.


#173

Why did the Valley Girl sleep with the chicano gangbanger?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

(Perhaps only Jinette Mortal will get that one) Oraley.


#174

Q. Why do Valley girls use 2 forms of birth control?

A. She wanted to be "fer sure, fer sure".

Q. Why don't you sleep with a Valley girl in the morning?

A. Ever open a grill cheese sandwich?


#175

If you'd a read all twelve pages of this thread, you would have found this one posted before.


#176

Stalin's version was better.

Many literary critics have pointed to the lack of the nuance in the first draft (back in October 2004), and contrasted this with the rich tapestry of plot and setting in which Stalin wraps his creation. For me, however, the improvements go even further. There was, for example, a noticable lack of character development in the earlier version. No cowboys, no Californians, no references to tits. Stalin's work also left the reader with a sense of awe and wonder at the infinite potential for us human beings to achieve greatness. The prior work was limited to an eventful but ultimately brief 8 seconds.

I would encourage us not to chastise ol' Stalin for failing to read all 12 pages (I'm sure he feels sorry enough about this -- and nothing we can say will make him feel any worse) but rather to encourage within him the phoenix artist who takes a crude kernel of raw inspiration... and creates from it ... a masterpiece.


#177
  1. Imagine you are having dinner with Abraham Lincoln. You have the ability to warn him in advance that he is going to die, but it might result in the north losing the Civil War if he lives. Do you think you could get him to admit he was gay?

  2. You are a guest at a sumptuous holiday meal put on by a group of people whose business you are trying to acquire. They have something of a high-toned attitude. During the second course, you discover a cockroach in your food. Do you say anything? Well, what if they told you that jellied cockroaches were the hot new trend in cuisine haute? Do you say anything now, smart guy?

  3. You are in a room with two doors leading out. One door leads to a room full of gold bullion, and the other leads to a man-eating lion who just lost his millions of dollars in gold bullion to a gang of psychologically unbalanced architects. Do you think that architecture would have been a good career for you?

  4. You are trapped on a lifeboat with Martin Lawrence and twenty-one semi-professional Martin Lawrence impersonators. There is only enough food for twenty people, assuming that most of them do not holler "I'M SO CRAZY!" all the time. Did you even know there was such a thing as a Martin Lawrence impersonator? And how do you get to be only a semi-professional impersonator of anyone?

  5. When you die, do you care what is done with your body? What if it's something sexual? You'd like that, wouldn't you, you god-damned pervert? I bet you wouldn't be so happy if they ripped you into tiny pieces and fed them to sinners like they did our Lord Jesus. Would you?

  6. You have become lost on your way to Crete for a windsurfing holiday. You approach a fork in the road, one branch of this, you are somehow certain, leads to your hotel. Two men stand by the roadside: one always tells the truth, and one always lies. It should be pretty easy to spot the liar, because all you have to do is ask him if he's a giant turtle or something, but consider this: do you think the one who always tells the truth has ever had a date in his life?

  7. If you could be trapped on a desert island with anyone, historical or fictional, wouldn't you have to be kind of an idiot not to pick Superman, seeing as how he could get both of you off the desert island without even breaking a sweat?

  8. Which of your senses would you least like to lose? Are you counting 'sense of humor' as a sense? How about 'sense of honor'? 'Sense of balance'? How about 'Sense and Sensibility'? Would you really want to live in a world without Jane Austen?

  9. While you're out strolling with your young infant son one day, you are approached by a pair of wealthy, perverse Arab oilmen. Each offers you one billion dollars in exchange for the boy. One of them intends to adopt your child as his own, raising it well and giving it the best education and care; the other plans to torture the child to death. But because of their beastly foreign jibber-jabber, you can't tell which is which. Why on earth would you even care?

ludickid.com/


#178

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround your self with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. "The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


#179

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," bin Laden himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let the White House know he was still very much around.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message. This is all it said: 370HSSV-0773H

Baffled, Bush e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Powell and his aides couldn't figure it out either so they sent it to the FBI. Nothing. No one at the FBI could solve it. So, it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, and then to the Secret Service.

Everyone was stumped. With no clue as to it's meaning, the White House eventually asked Canada's Royal Canadian Mounted Police for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."


#180

Well its Christmas time and a long tradition among the younger set is writing letters to Santa. This year Santa has been wound pretty tight and some of his replies show this tension...
Letters to Santa w/his answers......

Deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus.
I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

P.S.

Tell your mom she got the part.
Long DongClaus

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
####

Its been a tuff year on Santa