Unreasonable (or reasonable??) Financial Expectations


#1

I know that everyone has different expectations for how to split expenses, but this problem is so frustrating that I just had to come here and ask.

Some quick background info: American guy + Taiwanese girl. We each make roughly the same amount of money a month. When we were dating, she would share the expenses on large bills like a vacation and once in awhile treat me to something, but 90% of the time it was me who paid. I’m not a stingy guy so I didn’t bring up the issue until a few months into it when I felt increasingly uncomfortable about the situation. She flat out responded that it was the guy’s duty to always pay and she was infuriated that I would even bring up such a topic. That was a huge red flag for me so I ended the relationship, but one thing lead to another and we seriously had to consider tying the knot. I told her that we both need to contribute to the family so she could either choose to be a full-time mom and have me pay for everything or she can keep her job but split the expenses with me. She agreed and chose to keep her job. And so we went through with it.

Fast forward just a few months later and we reach another impasse. My interpretation of “splitting the expenses” was that we would split the family expenses 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever, or that we would say one person covers all the rent while the other covers all the food, utilities, etc. She felt offended that I had these expectations of her because her interpretation of splitting the expenses meant I would pay for everything by default and she would help me out when she felt like it. For example, I routinely pay for all our meals and occasionally she’ll say, “Hey baby, this one’s on me.” Now again, I’m not a stingy man, so I can fly with a freeballing style like this. The only problem is that just like when we were dating, this freeballing style results in me paying for about 90% of the expenses, which I feel is too imbalanced. But whenever I bring it up, she’ll say that I’m being petty and stingy.

I’ve had a decent amount of experience with girls both in and outside of Taiwan and not once have I come across an issue as extreme as this one. I’m not someone who breaks out a calculator to split things exactly down the middle. In fact, I don’t even mind paying more as long as the girl doesn’t take it for granted and makes an effort to contribute. But a 90/10 split is just too imbalanced for me. And to make it worse, it’s not like she saves her money into a mutual family fund or something. Instead she takes the money she saves from only contributing 10% and buys extravagances for herself. So basically my money is ours but her money is hers.

So things get heated and she tells me I’m a bitch of a man because I don’t think it’s my responsibility to completely support the family; I fire back that she’s a useless wife because she contributes very little and keeps everything for herself. I tell her that marriage is an equal partnership and both people need to do their best to contribute; she tells me that a man should want to take care of the people he loves and not rely on hie wife to get by. She also insists that even if one day she makes more than me or has more free time than me, she would still never contribute more than what I can because women need to be taken care of and not the other way around. I feel that it’s extremely selfish to purposely hold back when your husband is already running at 100% just because you insist on never doing more than what he’s able to. There’s some fine details here and there but this is the gist of it.

Anyways, I’m just wondering what everyone else here thinks. Is there something I’m missing or being selfish about? I’m open to new perspectives in an effort to make things work. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!


#2

Wow…you’re completely right btw. She is so wrong here. (shaking my head). Im Taiwanese American and my Wife is Taiwanese. That doesn’t happen, . I know I dated 1 or 2 girls that were like this in the past. One was a super rich daddies girl, the other was a normal income middle class family. Maybe one reason why uptick in Taiwanese guys marrying Vietnamnese girls…


#3

I think this is more of a Western vs Eastern value thing, I really only see this kind of behavior encouraged in Taiwan


#4

She was “infuriated” and “offended” that you would bring it up and called you a “bitch of a man”

You my son have snagged yourself a selfish shallow Taiwanese wife. Join the ranks, there are hundreds of stories like this


#5

:joy:
I’m stingy (actually not always, I invite other people when I’m not forced and I want to do it), and this has caused me a few discussions with a couple of girls. I don’t care. It’s year 2018, women work or they should, same as men, unless they have a reason for not doing it, so there’s no obligation to pay for them. That would be prostitution and we all know that to treat a woman as a whore is not respecting her. Unless she is a whore, then that’s alright.

I think it’s much better when everything is clear. Some people tend to get offended when things are not exactly what they want. Red flag alright. However, if you don’t stop that, if you let them “get offended” all the time, then it’s never going to get better.


#6

But but Muh Feminism. It’s amazing that women push for equality at the expense of men (quotas for hiring) yet when possible put their hand out and expect something.


#7

What she expects is unreasonable. You are married and both need to contribute.

Explain to her what a sugar daddy is and that you are not that guy.


#8

I wouldn’t be with someone seriously unless they can contribute to our combined wealth. Plenty of girls, no need to be with someone that’s a black hole in your bank account.


#9

The only way I can see this situation making any sense is if somehow her parents were rich and were giving you guys the house youre living in… Then there would be some Universal Justice for your situation and her demands


#10

I would drop any girl right there on the spot if they disrespected me like that. You don’t talk to your partner like that.


#11

It is not rare that girls in Taiwan and other Asian countries think like that. It seems they really think men should take all the responsibility, and find no contradiction to request equality in many scenes at the same time. And men accepting those girls or proudly paying everything are not rare too.


#12

Guy’s married with a kid, man.

That’s how I read it, anyways.:idunno:


#13

Everything in a marriage should be mutual. Period.
Sit down and have a heart to heart without fighting.
Write it all out.

  • One person covers housing expenses
  • The other person covers groceries + utilities
  • Personal stuff like cell phone / individual transportation costs etc should be taken care of by each of you for your own.
  • Eating out is fine to treat each other or chip in together. That can be fun like mini dates.
  • IDK how old your child is, but think ahead about who will pay for a Nanny if needed (16k+) or Day Care (18k+) and future school costs. Diapers, baby clothes etc also need to be factored in. Try to even things out.

In my home this is how we do it:
Husband: mortgage, building community fee, nanny, groceries, personal expenses.
Wife: joint savings, insurance for all of us and the car, child’s clothes and needs, personal expenses.
We split the utility bills.
If at the end of the month one of us needs financial help, we take from savings or ask the other person for a loan and we pay it back to the savings or the other person when we can the next month.
Our Salary is not the same. I make twice what she makes.


#14

I thought he is considering tying the knot?


#15

Hmm, I took this

And so we went through with it.

To mean they married.


#16

Hate to say it, but it sounds like you married the wrong woman. There are plenty of women in Taiwan who think like this, but there are also plenty who don’t. This is the part I don’t quite get:

Unless you were actually forced at gunpoint, this makes no sense to me. It was enough to end the relationship, but not enough to keep you from getting married? Anyway, my condolences. I hope you can come out of this marriage in one piece.

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t have children with this woman. You can extricate yourself from most mistakes except that one.


#17

Hmm, seems so. But hopefully no kids and maybe he can get out of this toxic relationship. Sounds like she literally doesn’t contribute to anything.


#18

I don’t think it’s “toxic”, just a shitty match.
There are tons of dudes around who wouldn’t mind the current arrangement.
Just like there are loads of women who would be comfortable with the OP’s expectations.


#19

I read between the lines the same than the grumpy animal, I think she got pregnant and decided to have the kid and become a family.

My advice would be to get very serious about this situation and let her know that things might change dramatically if she doesn’t understand that she’s being very unfair and pissing him off.


#20

Calculate your average monthly expenses and both parties put in an equivalent amount into a new saving/spending account and pay off at least the bigger payments out from it.
As you are not insisting on exact 50/50, pay yourself for smaller amounts.
For things like shared restaurants visits/entertainments take cash out from that new account, be honest (maybe keeping receipts).
There are spending apps available to keep simple.

If your wife can’t agree on that, well you either accept her expectations or (harshly said) leave her.
I don’t see any other options in between.

By the way:
With a wife having thoughts / a lifestyle expectation like this I would be very careful to “make” her being a full-time mother.
In my opinion that would end in a disaster.