Unreasonable (or reasonable??) Financial Expectations


#89

Not to be mean to the OP, who’s got enough problems, but

“Hey, we’ve been married for 3 years now, and you know what? It’s actually way better than I ever thought it would be!”

Said nobody

in the world

ever.


#90

We use a slightly modified version. First we made a budget and agreed on how much we wanted to spend on what (rent, groceries, eating out, vehicle expenses, etc. etc.) for things that were joint things. We split the resulting total in half and each of us pays that much into a joint account each month to cover those things. If there’s something I want for myself that isn’t on that list, I buy it using my own money. DH does the same. If he wants us to go out to dinner and we’ve exhausted the amount we set up for that, he can do it if he’s willing to pay for it.

This has worked for us. In practice, I tend to save any money I have over and above my contribution, while DH spends his. But our budget covers what we consider necessary (ideally including savings, of course). As a freelancer, if I have a slow month, I dip into my savings to make it up, because that’s just how it is freelancing. DH has a salaried job and knows what he will have coming in.


#91

Who pays for those late night desserts? Hmmmmmmmmm?


#92

I almost suggested to post this in useless obvious advise thread, but it may be useful to somebody?

Another retrospective obvious advice is - do not make a baby with someone you don’t want to marry to, unless there is a specific aim to have a baby.


#93

I suppose that is true. Even the career women here tend to compromise more in favor of their husbands. And everyone seems to be telling me that easygoing in-laws are a godsend. Pros and cons, pros and cons.


#94

Genius. I never thought to lie like this, but since the situation seems to demand it, this is such a smart way to divert money into a private account. Ideally we would all be honest about these matters, but I suppose I have to learn to work with what I’ve got. Thanks.


#95

You don’t seem very enthusiastic about the idea of men getting the most important contract they’re likely to enter into in written, signed form first in order to avoid situations like the OP’s. And as far as “useless and obvious” go I’m probably the only guy here who actually has a written prenup contract in place, in no small part because my wife is independently wealthy.


#96

You don’t seem to get my point.

What I meant is, what you said on the marriage contract is obvious. If the contract is not written down, read and signed, it will be useless (in many cases people need to bring up the contract).

OP is male, but you don’t need to limit it to men in that context.


#97

What I think is that culture is an iceberg and what we don’t know is often much more than we know. A few months ago they had the guy who realized that his mother-in-law also had survivor’s benefits for the house he had bought after his wife died.

A lot of people here married locals and didn’t realize that they’re not going to get social security or any kind of pension. I’ve also been surprised by how savings are different. My Taiwanese friends are usually saving for housing, buxiban fees, elder care, retirement, etc. I’m saving for a much cheaper house (someday) in the US, but a more more expensive college education for my kids, and a totally different medical and retirement system. Many of my friends here still see inheritance distribution from their parents influenced by gender and birth order.

Some of this you may have to explain to your wife too: “If junior is going to have an education abroad, we need to save $$$,” or “I never once had a tutor growing up and I never imagined we’d be paying for buxiban,” or “What do your parents expect from us financially?” or “Where/when/how do we want to buy a house?” Another thing that surprised me is a lot of locals here save via life insurance plans, and there are also collective friend-networks for medical issues. In the States, the best bet for financial security is putting regular sums of money into mutual funds with low expense ratios and having good insurance. Your spouse probably has no idea how your family/culture/friends handle money. Anything you can do to non-defensively explain will help the situation also.


#98

When I was dating my wife, I basically paid for everything. It was her (cultural) expectation and we definitely had a discussion about it once. I accepted it, because she said when we’re married it will all be shared.

We’re married now, all our accounts are combined, everything goes into the same place basically and she basically vetoes or approves what I want to buy. And I’m okay with that (she doesn’t veto everything).

Probably a different viewpoint than most on this thread.


#99

I feel like no ones has any positives to say about marriage on the forum…ever


#100

When they are happy, they talk about it to real people, not on forum, maybe.


#101

Talking about happiness in marriage is also like propaganda to most married men haha


#102

There’s a reason the marriage contract is the only important legal contract not available in written form so that it can be read, clearly understood and signed by both parties to make it valid. That’s because the primary purpose of modern marriage is to transfer wealth from men to women and to that end marriage laws have become so skewed that if the typical marriage contract were actually written down in black and white so that its terms and numerous blank spaces were clear few men would actually sign it. That’s why it’s almost always men complaining about getting blindsided by the economics of marriage contracts and not women. What’s interesting is that most men haven’t caught on even yet to the fact that they’re being expected to blindly enter into probably the most important contract of their lives.


#103

It’s pretty cool


#104

In what way?


#105

Yea this sort of thing can work if the man is cool with it. And if the wife is good with money. Not so sure if the ops wife is…


#106

Marriage is dope af

(If you like your spouse)


#107

I assume most people like their spouse when they get married, but it seems like it’s just awful after.


#108

I was being facetious. But I have no complaints! Just obvious stuff, I wouldn’t blather about it. There’s positives and negatives, just like anything else.