I have been living in Taiwan for almost five years now and have worked at only two different schools. Prior to my marriage, I had an ARC sponsored by my employer…but upon being married I was able to obtain an ARC sponsored by marriage. I have been the primary wage earner for my household for over four years. By primary, I mean sole…as my wife (now estranged) was using savings she had earned and what little income she earned before leaving her job to help pay for minor expenses.
I paid ALL of the bills with no assistance from her which I did not mind as I was “in love” and was earning enough to cover it. Eventually, she was able to launch her own business because she was able to live with minimal expenses due to my generosity in supporting her. Again, I helped with this; I helped create AND manage her Facebook page and even paid to boost posts or her page on several occasions.
We were not without our problems and from time to time would end up in arguments. Many of which stemmed from the same source (money) and were predicated on her telling me how irresponsible I was and treating me as if I was an incompetent adult. When we left for Taiwan, I was still in my Ph.D. program and which she would often criticize me or nag about the completion time. She would also tell me that I should not be in school at my age.
It really started to get to me and this is when the resentment really started to build. Her constant nagging would lead to anger and very ugly screaming matches, where I - the would end up slamming the door to my office and begging her to stop. It went so far in one occasion that she was in my face with her fists clenched and when she wouldn’t get away from me (she has me cornered). I pushed her away, something I have never ever done to any woman in my entire forty years. This is likely because I have never encountered such behavior in one and never had one get in my face the way boxers do before the start of the fight. It was aggressive; it was threatening; and being cornered I couldn’t get away.
I guess what I am trying to say here is she knew full well what she was doing and was taunting me to strike her. All I could do was push her away so I could go into my safe space…my office. She did not call the police or file any charges…but this highlights what my experience was and has been like.
We would always go long stretches before erupting again. I hated fightling with her because it was always so very awful. She would say things that were emasculating; telling me that I was a loser and that I had ruined my life. To be fair, she was kind of right considering I had quit my Ph.D. program after satisfying all requirements excluding the dissertation. I had jumped off the train just before it reached the station at her behest…since she felt deceived as to the time-frame for completion and because she wanted to focus on having children.
Not all of our time together was bad. There were moments when she was very sweet and loving to me. But over time, she eventually became the most grouchy and disagreeable woman I have ever known. Her mantra was “Stop, No, Don’t” for even the most simplest of things (not what you think). “You stink, you’re gross, you’re stupid” were things I heard almost all the time. For a while she may have been joking, but it really began to eat away at me. I have a Master of Science degree and had busted my ass through a Ph.D. program only to quit at the very end of it. I am not stupid in the slightest, and it was offensive to be labeled as such.
More recently we had a disagreement and I asked her why she would always treat me like a child or that she was better than me. She said, “because I am”. When asked what might help to make things better, she said I would have to make a lot more money for her to be happy. Her business was gaining ground and soon her income gained ground on and overtook my own. I continued to pay ALL of the bills…but this had become more difficult for two reasons: a) I made an error with the IRS prior to our departure and failed to claim some income resulting in a fine of $1600 or $100 per month; b) a private student loan was now in repayment status after exiting the program…at $252 per month.
She was becoming increasingly despondent and criticized my ability to manage money…calling me irresponsible. She could not understand how after switching to a higher paying job we could have less than we did before. The two bills mentioned previously were not due at while working the lower paying job. Both my income and debt had risen concurrently…and so there was no “gain” as she saw it. However, I was labeled as irresponsible and incompetent yet again.
My gross income was 75K NTD each month with our minor bills (PGE, cable, phones, trash) averaging 5K…rent was 25K because we HAD to have a 3BD/2BATH that was within walking distance of the MRT. I had to send 15K to the US each month, and was trying to pay off the credit card I was able to obtain with her as a guarantor. Unfortunately, the rings were not the only thing on the card as I often had to use it to make up for some of the ground we had lost and to keep her entertained. The payment was usually around 5K - 7.5K each month. Net pay was usually between 65K - 70K and as you can see our budget was EXTREMELY tight, considering she was also making demands for me to be putting money away into savings for “our family”.
I was consistently left with between 10K - 15K and payday was always a bad day. The momentary elation of having been paid was immediately replaced with doubt about how we’d make it to the next check. It was also replaced with fear of what she would do when she saw my balance…and how I would once again be made to feel like a child. I was almost always made to feel inferior or not good enough by her standards of perfection. Constantly being molded and shaped into whatever it was she wanted me to be. I was not always a great husband, but I loved her enough to just allow her to “be”. Despite all of her flaws, I let her live her life and did not try to change or alter who she was on account of me. She was acceptable to me as a mate the way she was.
Over the course of my time here, I did manage to put some money away and had contributed to a savings account we had setup for the two of us through the post office. I had around 71K. I had requested access to the account on several occasions, but was met with a host of reason for why she had not already done so. I let it rest as I did not feel it to be worth the argument and as we were married, it was not such a big issue…that is until now.
Now, I find myself in the worst situation I have experienced in my entire life…and I have had some REALLY horrific and scarring tragedies throughout my lifetime. This time, we had a fight that was out of control. It was hateful and ugly; but it had started as a calm talk about how to deal with all of the stress we found our marriage enduring. She started to lay into me about how I was unfit to be a husband and father, how I was not prepared for life…and that I was a failure. I lashed out at her in defense which provoked her into further insulting my intelligence and emasculating me for all of the neighbors to hear (albeit in English).
In light of all of this, I did not lay a single finger on her…but it was too late as the neighbors had already called the police. They happened to arrive at the same time her sister did. who just happened to arrive at the same time as her sister. The worst part about being a foreigner in this situation is that as a man in ASIA, no matter how verbally abusive your wife is being or how much she bullies you, yelling back at her ends up making YOU the villain…and the person who initiated the assault the “victim”. The man’s side is almost universally disregarded. After all, you are the man…and being a “victim” as a man is impossible.
Yelling and getting angry wasn’t the way to resolve this. It did not make things better…but all I wanted her to do was get off my case and to stop pestering me. Though it sounded angry, it was masking another emotion at work deep inside. I was being walked all over. I was her doormat for four years. I was the whipping post. From the outside, the loud foreigner may have appeared as an overbearing monster. However, on the inside it was the opposite. I was being financially and emotionally abused…and for so long I chose to ignore it because I was “in love”.
It does not excuse me disrupting the neighborhood. Yelling and carrying on with her was wrong. Yet, no charges were filed, there was no temporary restraining order issued and I was not arrested. They asked a lot of questions (all of them in Chinese) to which my wife answered in Chinese without telling me what she was doing to me. I have no idea what she said to them…I have to trust what she says their exchange was about. They took our ID’s explained that a social worker might be coming to ensure we could remain civil. My wife then tells me she is leaving me as her and her sister lay on the couch commiserating…and talking in Chinese about me.
Early the next morning, she got up and grabbed some of her things. She packed up her cats laughed and chuckled it up with her sister and left me without saying one word. Broken, alone and ashamed I am now left in an empty apartment with the walls screaming back at me and a mountain of her belongings continuing to lay waste to my character. I realize walls and clothing cannot talk…but it is the mere sight of them that stirs up memories of what happened here…in this place…to cause the worst pain I have felt in my entire life. She has since that day been pressuring me to sign divorce papers, pushing to get her way; adamant in her position against any form of reconciliation.
On Monday she went to the post office and cleaned out the savings account we had established with the intention of starting a family. I was a bit dismayed that she was moving so quickly through all of this, but felt that with the money I had put into savings I could start over and work toward putting all of this behind me. I knew I could go get a health check and talk to my employer about issuing a work-permit as my marital status was changing. I did not feel like it would be too much of a problem. It would be challenging, but not impossible. I told my wife I would not sign the papers she so desperately wants me to sign on the grounds that she had stolen my life savings.
Another more important reason I have not yet signed anything is that it would invalidate my ARC and being a 14-day countdown until I would have to leave the country…or have my ARC re-issued for employment purposes. I had paid for two years thinking we would still be married and this would allow me to then apply for my APRC while my VISA was still valid. Now, it will change things a bit…but I will still have hit the five-year milestone to apply for an APRC. I messaged her and gave her my account number thinking this would facilitate things for the both of us.
I then started packing all of my belongings and moving her things to the common areas of the house so she would: a) not touch any of my things; b) be limited in her access of the apartment based on the location of her possessions. I checked my bank account a few hours later and found she had deposited only 12K of the 71K she took without my consent. When asked about it, she said she had used the money to pay off the credit card for which she had signed as a guarantor. She was concerned I might leave her with the bill and that the responsibility of paying it would become hers. Oddly enough, she has provided no evidence that the bill has in fact been paid.
While I do understand the emotion of fear, there was no reason to suspect that I would do such a thing as I had dutifully paid the bill every month and had not missed one payment. Even while unemployed and receiving severance pay it was still a top priority and even with the meager 16K I received on my last check I made sure to pay the both the utilities AND my credit card. I never borrowed money from her or her family. I was an upstanding citizen aside from the two domestic disturbance calls that were made.
Later that day she snuck into the apartment while I was running errands. I returned to see the door open and had not remembered if I had shut it. I went upstairs to be greeted by her, her mother and her sister. My heart sank…I put down my things and walked back out the door. I walked down our alley giving them at least 50m of room to do their business. I didn’t want to watch her rifle through our stuff and tear more of me apart. When they had finished I upstairs to find she had left the doors wide open and unlocked, thereby jeopardizing my belongings. While it isn’t much, it is all I have since I sold everything four years ago to come here and have spent almost every dime supporting both of us with little to no assistance.
I’ve called the police…they said I can file a charge against her as a civil matter. I called almost all of the attorneys on the list available from AIT. One even laughed in my face for having such a financial arrangement with her to begin with. She does say I can keep and sell the ring…and that she will give me money to leave the country. I’m not intent on leaving Taiwan as my life is simpler here. Additionally, the value of these two things exceed the value of my savings - which is simply ludicrous. Why not just give me the money to start fresh. She is intent on making life very difficult for me at this point and is using the money as leverage to get me to sign divorce papers on a timeline of her own design. It is not a divorce my mutual consent…it is a divorce by forceful coercion.
I am growing more despondent and depressed by the day…with 400 NT in my account, 4K in my pocket, no food at all in the house…very limited support and an inability to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. She is staying with her parents and enjoying home cooked meals while clothed in the support and love of her family. I on the other hand, am for some reason under house arrest by her hand. I am ready to get out of here…I just cannot sign any papers just yet and she refuses to give me back what she took without my permission. I only granted permission to put the money into my account since she had already made the withdrawal.
I really need to know what can be done in this situation. I have been packed and ready to move forward for the past week, but I am stuck. She is in total control right now and is using the money to blackmail me and coerce me into signing divorce papers. However, I need the funds returned to find a separate residence on a much LEANER budget and need to get a health check for the work permit. Once that is issued I can go to the NIA after signing the divorce papers to have my VISA status changed. If I sign now, I would really be screwing myself over and am not in a position to apply for a temporary extension.
I could really use some help working my way out of this one as this is the only time I have found myself in a situation as “FUBAR” as this one.