Wife wants divorce, what are my options?

I have been living in Taiwan for almost five years now and have worked at only two different schools. Prior to my marriage, I had an ARC sponsored by my employer…but upon being married I was able to obtain an ARC sponsored by marriage. I have been the primary wage earner for my household for over four years. By primary, I mean sole…as my wife (now estranged) was using savings she had earned and what little income she earned before leaving her job to help pay for minor expenses.

I paid ALL of the bills with no assistance from her which I did not mind as I was “in love” and was earning enough to cover it. Eventually, she was able to launch her own business because she was able to live with minimal expenses due to my generosity in supporting her. Again, I helped with this; I helped create AND manage her Facebook page and even paid to boost posts or her page on several occasions.

We were not without our problems and from time to time would end up in arguments. Many of which stemmed from the same source (money) and were predicated on her telling me how irresponsible I was and treating me as if I was an incompetent adult. When we left for Taiwan, I was still in my Ph.D. program and which she would often criticize me or nag about the completion time. She would also tell me that I should not be in school at my age.

It really started to get to me and this is when the resentment really started to build. Her constant nagging would lead to anger and very ugly screaming matches, where I - the would end up slamming the door to my office and begging her to stop. It went so far in one occasion that she was in my face with her fists clenched and when she wouldn’t get away from me (she has me cornered). I pushed her away, something I have never ever done to any woman in my entire forty years. This is likely because I have never encountered such behavior in one and never had one get in my face the way boxers do before the start of the fight. It was aggressive; it was threatening; and being cornered I couldn’t get away.

I guess what I am trying to say here is she knew full well what she was doing and was taunting me to strike her. All I could do was push her away so I could go into my safe space…my office. She did not call the police or file any charges…but this highlights what my experience was and has been like.

We would always go long stretches before erupting again. I hated fightling with her because it was always so very awful. She would say things that were emasculating; telling me that I was a loser and that I had ruined my life. To be fair, she was kind of right considering I had quit my Ph.D. program after satisfying all requirements excluding the dissertation. I had jumped off the train just before it reached the station at her behest…since she felt deceived as to the time-frame for completion and because she wanted to focus on having children.

Not all of our time together was bad. There were moments when she was very sweet and loving to me. But over time, she eventually became the most grouchy and disagreeable woman I have ever known. Her mantra was “Stop, No, Don’t” for even the most simplest of things (not what you think). “You stink, you’re gross, you’re stupid” were things I heard almost all the time. For a while she may have been joking, but it really began to eat away at me. I have a Master of Science degree and had busted my ass through a Ph.D. program only to quit at the very end of it. I am not stupid in the slightest, and it was offensive to be labeled as such.

More recently we had a disagreement and I asked her why she would always treat me like a child or that she was better than me. She said, “because I am”. When asked what might help to make things better, she said I would have to make a lot more money for her to be happy. Her business was gaining ground and soon her income gained ground on and overtook my own. I continued to pay ALL of the bills…but this had become more difficult for two reasons: a) I made an error with the IRS prior to our departure and failed to claim some income resulting in a fine of $1600 or $100 per month; b) a private student loan was now in repayment status after exiting the program…at $252 per month.

She was becoming increasingly despondent and criticized my ability to manage money…calling me irresponsible. She could not understand how after switching to a higher paying job we could have less than we did before. The two bills mentioned previously were not due at while working the lower paying job. Both my income and debt had risen concurrently…and so there was no “gain” as she saw it. However, I was labeled as irresponsible and incompetent yet again.

My gross income was 75K NTD each month with our minor bills (PGE, cable, phones, trash) averaging 5K…rent was 25K because we HAD to have a 3BD/2BATH that was within walking distance of the MRT. I had to send 15K to the US each month, and was trying to pay off the credit card I was able to obtain with her as a guarantor. Unfortunately, the rings were not the only thing on the card as I often had to use it to make up for some of the ground we had lost and to keep her entertained. The payment was usually around 5K - 7.5K each month. Net pay was usually between 65K - 70K and as you can see our budget was EXTREMELY tight, considering she was also making demands for me to be putting money away into savings for “our family”.

I was consistently left with between 10K - 15K and payday was always a bad day. The momentary elation of having been paid was immediately replaced with doubt about how we’d make it to the next check. It was also replaced with fear of what she would do when she saw my balance…and how I would once again be made to feel like a child. I was almost always made to feel inferior or not good enough by her standards of perfection. Constantly being molded and shaped into whatever it was she wanted me to be. I was not always a great husband, but I loved her enough to just allow her to “be”. Despite all of her flaws, I let her live her life and did not try to change or alter who she was on account of me. She was acceptable to me as a mate the way she was.

Over the course of my time here, I did manage to put some money away and had contributed to a savings account we had setup for the two of us through the post office. I had around 71K. I had requested access to the account on several occasions, but was met with a host of reason for why she had not already done so. I let it rest as I did not feel it to be worth the argument and as we were married, it was not such a big issue…that is until now.

Now, I find myself in the worst situation I have experienced in my entire life…and I have had some REALLY horrific and scarring tragedies throughout my lifetime. This time, we had a fight that was out of control. It was hateful and ugly; but it had started as a calm talk about how to deal with all of the stress we found our marriage enduring. She started to lay into me about how I was unfit to be a husband and father, how I was not prepared for life…and that I was a failure. I lashed out at her in defense which provoked her into further insulting my intelligence and emasculating me for all of the neighbors to hear (albeit in English).

In light of all of this, I did not lay a single finger on her…but it was too late as the neighbors had already called the police. They happened to arrive at the same time her sister did. who just happened to arrive at the same time as her sister. The worst part about being a foreigner in this situation is that as a man in ASIA, no matter how verbally abusive your wife is being or how much she bullies you, yelling back at her ends up making YOU the villain…and the person who initiated the assault the “victim”. The man’s side is almost universally disregarded. After all, you are the man…and being a “victim” as a man is impossible.

Yelling and getting angry wasn’t the way to resolve this. It did not make things better…but all I wanted her to do was get off my case and to stop pestering me. Though it sounded angry, it was masking another emotion at work deep inside. I was being walked all over. I was her doormat for four years. I was the whipping post. From the outside, the loud foreigner may have appeared as an overbearing monster. However, on the inside it was the opposite. I was being financially and emotionally abused…and for so long I chose to ignore it because I was “in love”.

It does not excuse me disrupting the neighborhood. Yelling and carrying on with her was wrong. Yet, no charges were filed, there was no temporary restraining order issued and I was not arrested. They asked a lot of questions (all of them in Chinese) to which my wife answered in Chinese without telling me what she was doing to me. I have no idea what she said to them…I have to trust what she says their exchange was about. They took our ID’s explained that a social worker might be coming to ensure we could remain civil. My wife then tells me she is leaving me as her and her sister lay on the couch commiserating…and talking in Chinese about me.

Early the next morning, she got up and grabbed some of her things. She packed up her cats laughed and chuckled it up with her sister and left me without saying one word. Broken, alone and ashamed I am now left in an empty apartment with the walls screaming back at me and a mountain of her belongings continuing to lay waste to my character. I realize walls and clothing cannot talk…but it is the mere sight of them that stirs up memories of what happened here…in this place…to cause the worst pain I have felt in my entire life. She has since that day been pressuring me to sign divorce papers, pushing to get her way; adamant in her position against any form of reconciliation.

On Monday she went to the post office and cleaned out the savings account we had established with the intention of starting a family. I was a bit dismayed that she was moving so quickly through all of this, but felt that with the money I had put into savings I could start over and work toward putting all of this behind me. I knew I could go get a health check and talk to my employer about issuing a work-permit as my marital status was changing. I did not feel like it would be too much of a problem. It would be challenging, but not impossible. I told my wife I would not sign the papers she so desperately wants me to sign on the grounds that she had stolen my life savings.

Another more important reason I have not yet signed anything is that it would invalidate my ARC and being a 14-day countdown until I would have to leave the country…or have my ARC re-issued for employment purposes. I had paid for two years thinking we would still be married and this would allow me to then apply for my APRC while my VISA was still valid. Now, it will change things a bit…but I will still have hit the five-year milestone to apply for an APRC. I messaged her and gave her my account number thinking this would facilitate things for the both of us.

I then started packing all of my belongings and moving her things to the common areas of the house so she would: a) not touch any of my things; b) be limited in her access of the apartment based on the location of her possessions. I checked my bank account a few hours later and found she had deposited only 12K of the 71K she took without my consent. When asked about it, she said she had used the money to pay off the credit card for which she had signed as a guarantor. She was concerned I might leave her with the bill and that the responsibility of paying it would become hers. Oddly enough, she has provided no evidence that the bill has in fact been paid.

While I do understand the emotion of fear, there was no reason to suspect that I would do such a thing as I had dutifully paid the bill every month and had not missed one payment. Even while unemployed and receiving severance pay it was still a top priority and even with the meager 16K I received on my last check I made sure to pay the both the utilities AND my credit card. I never borrowed money from her or her family. I was an upstanding citizen aside from the two domestic disturbance calls that were made.

Later that day she snuck into the apartment while I was running errands. I returned to see the door open and had not remembered if I had shut it. I went upstairs to be greeted by her, her mother and her sister. My heart sank…I put down my things and walked back out the door. I walked down our alley giving them at least 50m of room to do their business. I didn’t want to watch her rifle through our stuff and tear more of me apart. When they had finished I upstairs to find she had left the doors wide open and unlocked, thereby jeopardizing my belongings. While it isn’t much, it is all I have since I sold everything four years ago to come here and have spent almost every dime supporting both of us with little to no assistance.

I’ve called the police…they said I can file a charge against her as a civil matter. I called almost all of the attorneys on the list available from AIT. One even laughed in my face for having such a financial arrangement with her to begin with. She does say I can keep and sell the ring…and that she will give me money to leave the country. I’m not intent on leaving Taiwan as my life is simpler here. Additionally, the value of these two things exceed the value of my savings - which is simply ludicrous. Why not just give me the money to start fresh. She is intent on making life very difficult for me at this point and is using the money as leverage to get me to sign divorce papers on a timeline of her own design. It is not a divorce my mutual consent…it is a divorce by forceful coercion.

I am growing more despondent and depressed by the day…with 400 NT in my account, 4K in my pocket, no food at all in the house…very limited support and an inability to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. She is staying with her parents and enjoying home cooked meals while clothed in the support and love of her family. I on the other hand, am for some reason under house arrest by her hand. I am ready to get out of here…I just cannot sign any papers just yet and she refuses to give me back what she took without my permission. I only granted permission to put the money into my account since she had already made the withdrawal.

I really need to know what can be done in this situation. I have been packed and ready to move forward for the past week, but I am stuck. She is in total control right now and is using the money to blackmail me and coerce me into signing divorce papers. However, I need the funds returned to find a separate residence on a much LEANER budget and need to get a health check for the work permit. Once that is issued I can go to the NIA after signing the divorce papers to have my VISA status changed. If I sign now, I would really be screwing myself over and am not in a position to apply for a temporary extension.

I could really use some help working my way out of this one as this is the only time I have found myself in a situation as “FUBAR” as this one.

You still have your job right? Earning 75k a month? You don’t need to support her anymore, so you save money there. Sell that ring bro, and you can live off that untill your next pay check. Sign the papers and move on, more fish in the sea. This one is clearly a psychopath.

2 Likes

I do not. I lost this job and it has been hard to replace as it is the middle of the school year. I am currently working at a “cram school” and my income is about half of that. However, there is a pending job application that looks very promising and has a very nice base salary. Most likely, any residence I take up would have to be temporary until a suitable replacement for the loss of income is found.

Congratulations, you win the “Monster Post of the Month” award! :smiley: :fireworks: :grinning: :gift: :smile: :beers: :dizzy_face:

  1. If you’re using your real name and photo, you should consider how she might spin anything you say here in court (not to mention every email etc.).

  2. I would get copies of the police reports, scrutinize them, and file a complaint if anything is inaccurate.

  3. The family law section of the Civil Code is probably worth reading or rereading at this point.

  4. You sound like you should qualify for legal aid. www.laf.org.tw You can get a brief consultation without proving your eligibility, but the (supposedly) English speaking lawyers may only be available on Saturdays in Taipei. Make an appointment.

Don’t sign any divorce papers and be careful of all communications. Get out of that house ASAP as it is a big financial drain.

quite typical behaviour for women here. they get off on running down the men. some of them anyway. my ex gf did the same thing, we also had quite intense arguments, sounds similar to yours. she would try to talk shit about me and i wouldn’t have it so we had those sort of arguments. i never felt that bad about splitting up with her. my current girlfriend would never do that.

For everyone else out there: this is where friends come handy. If you make your partner your sun and moon, if you live to work to provide for them and forget yourself, you will not only place yourselves in their hands economically but most importantly, emotionally. You will have no protective net of pals to help and at least listen.

We had a pal in a similarly bad situation. Lost job, house, savings and self respect. Man almost jumped off a roof if it wasn’t for his pals. Bunch of drunken bastards with not a dime to their names came through and were there for him.

First of all, you are not alone. Money can be replaced. Debts repaid. The emotional part can’t be repaid. In practical terms, you are entitled to six months to look for a job, so you are OK about staying. If you do not want to sign anything because you want that APRC, do not sign anything. OP, you have let your partner set the rules of the game. Get some clearer minds, a sympathetic friend or lawyer, to help. Start looking out for yourself. This is not the end of your life. You are not the thing this individual paints you to be.

BTW as yyy says be smart. Everything you do will be used against you. There is special Foreign Affairs Police that speaks English and knows about this thin gs that you call in situations like this. Never sign anything you do not understand. Do not record or take pictures without her consent, for example. Or go thorough her mail or computer. Or talk to her without witnesses. Get that police record translated ASAP. Oh and no other women until divorce - she may send bait as entrapment.

2 Likes

Agree.
Do not sign any divorce papers.
Taiwanese mother-in-law is very willing to get a divorce with Taiwanese father-in-law, but he’ll never do it. Both sides have to sign. You cannot be “served papers”, so to speak. This will allow you breathing room to figure things out, get some more income from a job, etc. Do not sign anything.

That is kind of what I have been trying to do. I haven’t really said a lot to her…removed any and all photos of her from social media. I don’t call or flood her email or LINE. I have her blocked on social media and LINE to avoid the temptation. I have saved all emails from her including those that reflect an admission of wrongdoing. I have had some conversations with her, but not anything that falls into the realm of unreasonable or harassment (been there as a younger man).

In going through this Civil Code there is a lot suggesting that I need to stand firm, see what the record says about those police visits, and definitely file a charge with the police. The lawyer who laughed in my face was only partially correct as there is language here suggesting that she is liable to me. I have all the receipts from our bills. I think she is pushing this for a few reasons: a) trying to get me to sign things and agree to things that would absolve her of any responsibilities; b) confuse me and make sure I sign without knowing my rights; c) file before taxes are due so I cannot file jointly…meaning she keeps more of the proceeds from her business.

Based on what I have read (and maybe I have misunderstood) is that I own half of her business. Am I wrong?

I agree with much of the above advice, but I must point out again that recording without consent is only a criminal offense if it’s done without reason (as stated in the Criminal Code). She may scream if she catches you doing it, but for all you know she may be doing the same thing to you.

(There’s another law, the “Personal Information Protection Act” or something, but it’s basically designed for organizations.)

I would rather just lawyer up, keep my mouth shut…keep her blocked…and politely ask one fonal time that she return my funds. If she doesnot comply, file the charge and end up having to resolve the matter through negotiations between attorneys. If she doesn’t give back the money, things aregoing to be real tight…but in essence, if I’ve read into the subtext of your messages, she is rushing me before I have a chance to understand my rights.

I mean…hell, why not stall her until January and then apply for an APRC on my own standing? If I understood the document, it never was “her” business. It was started during our marriage using money from both her and I…making it “our” business.

I’ve left only email communication and direct phone calls as her points of contact. I have two friends with attorneys in their circles and will check into legal aid as you’ve suggested. Not trying to be vindictive here…but I think she wants to rush me so I forfeit what I am entitled to.

Don’t bother lawyering up; it’s a waste of money and you’ll be better off considering that money gone.

Don’t sign any divorce papers till you’re good and ready. She can’t force you and she cannot unilaterally sue for divorce unless you’ve done something stupid (got caught cheating on her for example).

Don’t tell your wife anything about your plans. She is almost certainly the same kind of vindictive bitch as my ex-wife (your story really isn’t all that unique) and is pushing you to sign the papers so you’ll have to leave her country. (Of course, the fact that you never finished your PhD and don’t have a life to return to is nothing to do with her and certainly has nothing to do with your willingness to sacrifice for her. It’s your own fault for being useless, right?)

Get all your birds in order for your APRC, but drag things out, making it sound like you’re preparing for your departure. Make it clear that you somehow fucked up your application so that you can’t get your APRC (of course you fucked it up, you’re not competent enough to get things done right). She’ll be thrilled to sign the papers with the knowledge that you won’t be able to stay and your life is ruined. If she thinks that you’ve secured an APRC and won’t be leaving she’ll lose all motivation to sign divorce documents and you’ll be stuck with that ball and chain for the rest of your life.

Do your best to time the divorce and the APRC application so that you don’t pick up your APRC till after you’re divorced. That way you can sign divorce papers while using the old ARC card.

Been there, done all that.

3 Likes

I thought there was a Taiwan government service available to assist foreign spouses? It’s main users are Vietnamese and Chinese brides, but should still be available for any foreign spouse.

1 Like

Interesting thought but probably this is set up to assist abused and beaten
up Philippines and Chinese brides

I called and they were fairly useless. I called NIA as well pertaining to the issue of the ARC and was on hold while he looked up information for 20 minutes only to come back to tell me he did not understand my question. Uh…duh?

So after restating the question following a delay of 20 minutes, he was able to answer the question in about 30 seconds. WoW.

Not sure if it’s been pointed out, but don’t have any relationships until you’re fully divorced, even if you’re separated, Taiwan has very strict adultery laws and I believe you can wind up in jail by doing so if there’s ever any evidence.

z

2 Likes

Yep,

I do know that much. It works both ways though. She says there is nothing new…but with the laws such that she are, of course she would deny it. I cannot really think of any good reason why she is pressing so hard to have the papers signed. It really doesn’t matter too much if it is now or six months from now. The only thing it would block is a relationship with the flavor of the month.

I did confront her on this matter and I want to believe her…but after the last email I got from her, the evil is just blasting me right in the face. She has now justified the stealing of my funds because “technically” it was only her account so “technically” she withdrew her own money. I cited the Civil Code and that money put away in that manner during the marriage contract would be community property…and if she wanted to “get down” like that I could request that it be split 50/50…which would be a larger sum of money.

She of course went on to threaten me with eviction and that the landlord was quite perplexed…since it was both her name and mine on the lease, the lease has somehow magically become invalidated. Unfortunately, the Civil Code contradicts what she is saying…and that she is actually in violation for having left. Of course she will claim that the arguing and conditions got to be too much to bear…so that wouldn’t really move much further than that.

She at first threatened to have the utilities cut off…because I had not responded to her messages…as I had blocked her. I happened to login to the web-portal for my email account to see something had gotten caught in the spam filter. Just such a shock to see someone resorting to such underhanded tactics…claiming she was worried about having to be financially responsible for the bills…which according to the Civil Code is again…HER RESPONSIBILITY due to being in a marriage CONTRACT. I would have of course paid them…but the threats she is making are just so contradictory the laws of her own country.

My thoughts are she is in a rush to start something new. She has at some point met someone who she is interested in interacting with on at least the friendship level at the moment…but has thought of moving it forward, but cannot. She is pressing me to sign so that I forfeit my rights. She did mention something that was quite ridiculous though…I thought I would share this as a final thought.

She had made an “offer” to help me move all of my stuff out and fly me back to the United States. Something I was not keen to do…I essentially refused her “offer” as it was imbalanced…and essentially TRASH. She wrote to day and said she was retracting her “offer”…and I thought it was funny since I had already said NO. Why do I care that you are retracting an offer that I already declined? It was pretty funny….and sad at the same time.

I just have to thank you for what you’ve said here. I know the first was a gigantic wall of text and probably one hell of a read, but I wanted to be as thorough as possible so there were fewer follow-up questions on the matter. Your reply has given me perspective and I am grateful. I thought this was a person I could trust and clearly I was mistaken. In the past, I most likely would have screwed this situation up even more in the aftermath. However, now that I have reached the age of 40 I knew that I need to keep my communication with her brief after the first few sappy “but…I love you…please don’t” exchanges.

I have had her blocked for quite some time and had only had a few exchanges that didn’t get too verbose or hateful. I guess the only thing I have done at this point that might be questionable is shouting at her…which I admitted to. The other thing is developing a dependency on OTC cold medicines that help me to sleep at night, help ease the pain in my bones and joints, and serves as an anti-depressant.

Fortunately, this is something that is 100% legal to buy in Taiwan…other countries maybe not so much. I’ve not used any illegal drugs or developed any sort of alcoholic tendencies. Other than that, I play video games and try to add content to my YouTube channel when I am able. I have a temporary gig with a local chain school here…it doesn’t pay much, but the supervisor has been SO helpful through all of this.

Again, I just wanted to thank you for your input as it has helped me tremendously. It is nice to actually talk to others that have had something like this happen. Thank you!

1 Like

Great advice given so far, especially spaint’s, so I don’t have much to add. From your description, your wife sounds like a manipulative narcissist, so the sooner you have her completely out of your life, the better.

On the other hand, if you’re planning to stick around in Taiwan, there’s no reason not to wait till you receive your APRC to get the divorce. As long as you’ve been faithful and there’s been no physical abuse on your part, she has no legal grounds for divorce. Since she’s the one who wants it, all the cards are in your hands. She’s obviously trying to rattle you, but as long as you don’t take the bait, you’re fine. Just stay calm but firm in any necessary interaction with her, and be careful about any traps she may try to set. And stay strong!

1 Like

2 posts were split to a new topic: From divorce (“man” stuff)