A Day in The Life of Ivan Duckedevitch

New guy on early morning shift in 7-11 has tried to sell me cigarettes when I asked for coffee 3 times now, and I’m starting to think it might be deliberate. To be fair the AQI is over 150 this morning so I was wearing an N95 sandwiched between two surgicals, so maybe my normally melodeous Mandarin was a bit muffled. The English expletives got through, though, but they probably didn’t help provide prompt service or win hearts and minds in the queue behind.

Think I might get a laser pointer so I can target locate on the drinks menu, ideally a really big one so I can cut his head off if he still doesn’t get it.

Bond Voice “Do you expect me to serve you coffee, Foreigner?”

Goldfinger Voice “No Mr Barrista, I expect you to die”

Still, got my coffee. Only seat is next to a knuckle-dragger playing a Chinese beat-em-up game at maximum volume. Bit of Kung-Fu chillin to set you up for the day.

I arrive on campus in dire need of a shit and the cuff of my baggy snowboard style trousers (Yes, I’m from Scotland, but that’s a while ago and it was bloody cold this morning) which were fine on the scooter, gets caught in the chainwheel of my bicycle, giving me an interesting gymnastic escapology problem. Can I get out of the trousers, which seems to be essential, without falling over? (This bike has a “coaster brake” so the chainwheel can’t be reversed, which probably doesn’t help”)

Turns out “NO” is the answer

Just before falling over I become aware of a hooded figure dressed all in black, with a black mask and dark glasses, looking over my shoulder.

The Angel of Death, bringing blessed release?

Nope, just some rubber-necking idiot. Doesn’t say anything or offer to help, but remains just out of reach, otherwise I might have contrived to punch him in the face accidentally while flailing around.

Free at last!

Had my shit without incident (If only everything in life could be as reliable as a Volkswagen) and have just time for a shower before my exam class (I shower at work when possible to cut the mould in my room. There is an “extractor” fan but it is just for show, since there is no vent).

Got my eyes all soapy when there’s a big crash and splash as the POS plastic shelving parts company with the tiny corroded screw heads that had JUST been holding it on the wall for years, half-assery that even British Builders would have been proud of, and dumps my clothes and papers on the floor. I rinse the soap out of my eyes, making things much worse…er…down below.

Bit chilly for soaked clothes but the test papers…ARGH…THE TEST PAPERS are MACHE!

Squelch to the photocopy bureau where there is a huge queue. I pull rank I don’t in fact have and get another set run off.

Only 10 minutes late, not really a problem since they got the whole double period but SOOOO unprofessional.

Maybe my “Turn over the bloody paper and only write ONE (1) bloody paragraph” rant was a bit more unhinged than usual.

Not really a day, just a morning. Maybe things will improve.


I greatly enjoyed reading that. :hugs:

Read the whole account in his voice:


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Epic rant.

:clap: :clap:

Proper fucked morning. Well done


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Carry Swiss Army knife.

Or leave the rave pants back in the 90s where they belong.

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I shall now and forever refer to evacuations as “Taking the Volkswagen for a spin.” Thank you!


Wow, scottish people read exactly the same as 20 year old canadians on facebook. Well done! Hope you survived :slight_smile:

I am curious how a scottish accent sounds in mandarin to have cigarettes and coffee sound the same? Is it possible you were going through withdrawls and the anxiety messed with communication between you 2? I feel your pain though. Convenience store employees can certainly be very special!

Doesn’t sound very well done, but fortunately I don’t do facebook, so can shrug off the comparison, not knowing the worst.

Probably would’nt have made that comparison pre dieselgate, but now its perhaps better than they deserve.

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Don’t really do “fashion”, but that tips probably really useful to them as do.

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women’s underwear, men’s pants, and CRT; @Malasang88 loves to follow current trends

i’m glad it didn’t make an appearance in your unfashionable pants during the fall!

Cathode Ray Tubes are very old fashioned. Even I know that.

Get a dehumidifier! Or ask Ivan to get one.


Wouldn’t the inner surgical reduce the effectiveness of the N95? Why not try an N99?

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Dunno. Ze plan was to protect the N95 from me, to extend its life. This could possibly disturb the fit of the N95 a bit, but the poor fit of the surgicals is mostly because they are too loose, which the N95 will improve, being tighter and face -fitting.

Not using the shower is certainly cheaper simpler and more reliable, and may be more effective.

Ivan, as a Soviet citizen, might have appreciated these qualities