A song for St Paddy's Day

My Lovely Horse
Running through the… field
Where are you going
With your fetlocks blowing
In the… wind

I want to shower you with sugar lumps
And ride you over…fences
I want to polish your hooves every single day
And bring you to the horse… dentist

My lovely horse
You’re a pony no… more
Running around
With a man on your back
Like a train in the night
Like a train in the… night!

Down with this sort of thing.

Sure it’s no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You’re not meant to take it seriously!

That’s the great thing about Catholicism. It’s so vague and no one really knows what it’s about.


You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

How did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, ‘collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?’

Once again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don’t like it, tough. I’ve had my fun, and that’s all that matters.

They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then…

I wouldn’t know Ted, you big bollocks!

Fup off, you grasshole!

It’s nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

That’s nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!


Arrgh! Am I still on this feckin’ island?

Who’s a bit of a moaning Michael!

£200?! I’m not trying to buy cocaine!

C’mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We’re all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!

But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren’t they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.