Young women worldwide often mess with married men. And they almost never leave their wives. Why dont these young ladies go and find a single guy?
I think that some women mess with married men because they don’t want to commit / are afraid of serious commitment. My sister is one of these gals. She has been messing with older married men since her early-20’s. She has no desire to get married and when she has dated single men, she always says they are “stalking” her or “freaking her out” if they call her regularly or want to spend too much time with her. For her, being with a married guy takes all of that stress and pressure away. She can keep it casual and on her own terms (i.e. she doesn’t have to answer to anyone). The men I have known her to date are usually much older with grown kids and their marriages have already fallen apart, but they stay with their wives for whatever reason…
Also, the men she has always dated have been coworkers, and there is no gold digging at all…she makes great money on her own and is just in it for the no-strings-attached bit. It’s different, but it works for her.
I agree that could be workable. So long as she never actually falls in love, nobody gets hurt perhaps?
Please look at what you’ve written.
compare this with,
You are going to have to figure out what you want because it sounds like you want two things.
Before I go any further I want to stress something. YOU are in charge of your life. YOU decide what is going to happen. Chinese culture and education has trained you to be passive, submissive and accepting of any situation, no matter how bad or horrible it is. But YOU DO NOT have to passive, submissive or accepting of this situation.
It’s very simple what he wants. He wants to have sex with you. He does not want to have a family or make you his wife. He’s a westerner. If he wanted to marry you, he would have divorced his wife and married you already. He’s a westerner and therefore much more aggressive than a Chinese man in matters of romance. If he was separated or divorced why wouldn’t he be calling you instead of leaving ambiguous letters in his car?
You don’t think his wife notices this (he probably puts his ring back on before he goes home)? Again, you sound torn – you want him to be available, but you don’t want to be only his mistress. My take on this from a western perspective is that he wants you to initiate contact so he doesn’t need to feel guilty about restarting the affair. Again, if he was single, why doesn’t he just approach you? He’s a westerner – we have no problems about approaching an unknown woman and hitting on her in public. He knows you and is still afraid to approach you? Something is suspicous here.
I don’t think it’s a trap. It’s an opportunistic play on his part. Will it turn into a huge, nasty fight with legal threats and problems once his wife finds out (and if he’s changed as much as you’ve said, she’s probably on her guard now). Your past experience says this thing is going to blow up in a spectacular fashion.
Ok. The local man-pool is pretty dismal. But is an old and old-looking white guy with kids and a wife that much better? Well, actually, being a westerner, he’ll probably be more “wen1rou2” and “ti3tie1” with his mistress than a Chinese guy would be. So I guess it comes down to whether you want to be a mistress again.
You really want to know if he’s single? Ask him to invite you over to his house to have dinner with his kids. You’ll find out pretty quick if he’s still married. In any case, YOU decide what happens. YOU can let things take their “natural” course (it sounds like you both want to get back together) or YOU can decide to figure out what YOU want and what YOU should do instead of blindly going down a path that will probably be filled with heartbreak and misery and blaming it on “fate” like many Chinese people like to do. YOU are in charge of your life.
I hope this didn’t sound too harsh.
As the shifting shapes of things all around the perimeter constantly remind one:
It would appear that life is best lived as an endless series of decisive choices, with narry a look back.
Keep on keepin’ On!
& try not to look back!
Life flows Upstream!
The dead float downstream!
Think proactive, it’s most epiphanic!
I think that some women mess with married men because they don’t want to commit / are afraid of serious commitment. My sister is one of these gals. She has been messing with older married men since her early-20’s. She has no desire to get married and when she has dated single men, she always says they are “stalking” her or “freaking her out” if they call her regularly or want to spend too much time with her. For her, being with a married guy takes all of that stress and pressure away. She can keep it casual and on her own terms (i.e. she doesn’t have to answer to anyone). The men I have known her to date are usually much older with grown kids and their marriages have already fallen apart, but they stay with their wives for whatever reason…
Also, the men she has always dated have been coworkers, and there is no gold digging at all…she makes great money on her own and is just in it for the no-strings-attached bit. It’s different, but it works for her.[/quote]There could be many reasons for women to date married guys. It doesn’t mean they’re all gold diggers. My friend DOES want to get married (not sure about gold digging though), but her behavior just leads her into a mess…As you sow, so you reap.
Yeah, I guess so. She has never said she’s fallen in love, but I do know that most of the guys she has dated have fallen hard for her. I mean, she’s so much younger and a hell of a lot of fun. I can see how it happens. When they fall a bit too hard, that’s when she breaks it off because it makes her uncomfortable. She’s a different kind of gal altogether, it drives my parents nuts. 
Some ladies are just boy slayers. Maybe she gets a rush seeing someone pain for her? 
Naw, she’s not nasty like that at all. She’s got a heart of gold, and just wants to have a carefree, fun-filled existence. 
Again, thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
J.J., good luck to you. You seem like smart, good girl. I’m sure you’ll eventually find what you want.
It’s to your credit that you didn’t respond to some of the posters’ moralizing and judgemental attitudes.
I was going to say more on this, even quote some posters directly, but if you are above that, then I suppose I should be too.
J.J., I am glad your father was that good of a person. When I hazarded the guess about him as a possible answer to getting into this kind of situation in the first place, it was purely from the experience of people I’ve known. It also means you have a much better frame of reference to get out of this.
You do sound really torn, and (as has just been pointed out), I am likely one of those moralizing types, but I just don’t believe in moral relativism regarding the bonds of marriage, so I probably came out with guns ablazing there.
I hope you figure it out while you’re still standing outside the fire.
JJ__ I went back to your original OP, when the whole thing started with this man. You mention “intensive chemistry” between the two of you, and you mention your depression after you ended it, but your need to resolve the “unfinished buisness feeling” that got into you.
If you have been reading my “Anguish” thread, you know that one issue I bring up is satisfaction–emotional satisfaction. Some people really need it and some do not. In fact, some people actually desire non-satisfaction. They don’t want satisfaction for themselves and they leave a trail of dissatisfied lovers behind them. The two types–those who crave it and those who avoid it at all costs–are absolutely incomprehensible to each other.
You perhaps, like me, really crave emotional satisfaction. It is possible that this guy does not crave emotional satisfaction and in fact fears it since satisfaction would kill his desire. In psychoanalysis it is called “hysteria”. This guy may be a hysteric–HE MAY ACTUALLY DESIRE YOUR NONSATISFACTION. That may be the thing that “turns him on”. (There are supposed to be many more women hysterics than men, but I’ve read that that is now being questioned.)
In short, he may “get off on your pain” (and his own non-satisfaction). If that’s true, you’ve got to find some other way to satisfy yourself with regard to him. As you can tell, my way is to intellectualize my problem with my girl. If you keep hoping that he will satisfy you, I fear you will be in for a lot of depression.
…and by the way, another chacacteristic of the hysteric is that he or she is always being victimized in some way. This guy claimed that you were victimizing him, correct? Hysterics “get off” on pain: their own pain (always the victim, always an object) and other’s pain. It is impossible for me to comprehend, yet I have read about the set of symptoms over and over again. I don’t understand it (hysteria) but I can harld deny its existence in real life.
ummm, a trap.
move on.
stop fooling yoursefl.
be true to you if you can, otherwise,
go back to the hell you set up before.
i hope you choose to be a real person with a real sense of self. you are bigger than anything that this crap formed.
- They make no demands/are easy.
- Low self esteem/lack of respect for self/others.
- 1% genuinely fall in love and convince themselves it’s OK to lie as long as they are happy.
Why do men do it?
- Sex with no emotional involvement
- Interest in testing the ‘other’. What if I’d taken X path in life, instead of Y?
- The 1% (as above)
No moral judgement, but it really is a road to nowhere, basically. Depends whether you want to be on that road. Look on the bright side; if you’d got in their earlier, you’d be the one bawling to the police while bringing up his baby. You get to walk away with more dignity than she does, and she did nothing ‘wrong’.
Take care of yourself (and that doesn’t mean doing what you want, it means doing what will be best for you).
- They make no demands/are easy.
- Low self esteem/lack of respect for self/others.
- 1% genuinely fall in love and convince themselves it’s OK to lie as long as they are happy.
Why do men do it?
- Sex with no emotional involvement
- Interest in testing the ‘other’. What if I’d taken X path in life, instead of Y?
- The 1% (as above)
No moral judgement, but it really is a road to nowhere, basically. Depends whether you want to be on that road. Look on the bright side; if you’d got in their earlier, you’d be the one bawling to the police while bringing up his baby. You get to walk away with more dignity than she does, and she did nothing ‘wrong’.
Take care of yourself (and that doesn’t mean doing what you want, it means doing what will be best for you).[/quote]
Very well said… heh, and it’s funny that I know two people recently that have fallen into those categories verbatim.
The woman - was out at Taipei zoo with friends and a taiwanese guy living with gf comes up asking for ‘language exchange’. After meeting 6 times she’s fallen in love with him and though jealous of gf, is willing to share him if it comes to it. She calls him everyday leaving a voice message saying she loves him, she’s thinking of him, etc.
The man - close friend of mine cheated on his gf, for the first two reasons, then found himself emotionally attached to the other girl. Finally he confessed to his current gf and they are on their second run while he cut off all ties with the other girl. His best friend hangs out with the other girl a lot and it makes him jealous to the point he thinks he should tell the best friend that the girl is hands off.
Tralalangue, I have a feeling you’re on to something with the hysteria. People don’t know how to control their emotions enough.
Then again, they say all is fair in love and war…
Especially when you’re the king of England.
But seriously, I think J.J. knew what kind of answers she would get here (or what kind of answers she wanted to hear); maybe she was looking for affirmation. Bottom-line, forget the past, and move on… to a happier future.
tommys simple rule of thumb (learned from much Trouble with a capital T) : Bang the one you are with ONLY, and if she is not going to be enough for you, you never should have been with her. Choose carefully and stay loyal. This goes for both parties.