Advice for rantheman

You’ve just made Maowoman very happy :slight_smile:[/quote]
I try to do that regularly. :sunglasses: I still don’t know what ONS is, though…

One Night Stand = ONS

It sounds like she’s deified her brothers and now they’re the measuring stick you’re gonna have to live up to. This notion of “brother can do no wrong” and the need to compare you to them is gonna take a hell of a lot of work to rectify and mebbe even need the help of professionals. Maybe her brothers are pretty decent and amazing dudes but this need to compare you to them needs to go asap.

As for the violent behavior and witholding sex … you’re just reinforcing her behavior when you do nothing about it. When she decked you, you should have went apeshit on her (not hit her back) but tell her in certain terms that this shit will not be tolerated here, this sounds pretty serious and it will continue if her violent behavior gets the results she wants.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot of work to do as it sounds like the relationship is going off the rails pretty quickly. It’ll be great if you can save it but maybe you should just call her bluff and file for divorce and see how she reacts.

Ran,

So many things to comment on. Others have done a nice job.

A few thoughts…

Candor: I applaud your willingness to talk about your situation. Hopefully just by typing it out you’ll feel a bit better. Then, maybe some of the comments here will be useful.

Spoiled: Surely this will not apply to all TWW, but I generalize here for sake of brevity. Compared to their Western counterparts, I have found them to be very immature, simplistic, unrealistic, and quite spoiled. The standard model seems to be that you, as a husband/serious boyfriend, are moved into a predetermined role in their lives. This role has been fully specified and defined long before you met the woman, by the woman and her family. In general, she has been taught by her parents and whomever else to fully expect what she wants, and one of those things is for you to play your role well. One expectation of the role, despite this notion of a patriarchal society, is that you give her what she wants; no, actually what she feels she deserves. Very simple. Do it or be subjected to some form of persuasion. Often, due to the undeveloped communication, negotiating, and coping skills of many TWW, they react badly when they don’t get what they expect. This varies on a scale and is also personality-dependent. Suffice it to say that while you’re probably experiencing something that was programmed long before your arrival, you are also getting a dose of it from the far end of the scale.

Rewards: Keep in mind that a reward for her may not be what you think of as a reward. Think of “reward” as “whatever she wants to achieve” in a situation. If her aim is to be in control, or to make you feel bad, she reacts in whatever way she thinks will bring that about. When you give in and back off, or in some other way accept her behavior, you personally have delivered the reward. When it comes to behavior, this is the rule: You get what you reward. Works with dogs. Works with people.

Methods: Be careful. She’s already crossed the line and been violent … and you tolerated it. Bad precedent. Normally, I might also suggest that you “get tough” (not physically) once as a system-shocker, to get her attention. In this case, hard to know where that will go, given her past behavior. All of that said, I have noticed something interesting. Seems that in a quarrel, kindness or acquiescence on your part would calm things down and make her more willing to “meet you in the middle.” Conversely, I’ve noticed that it seems to be taken as a sign of weakness, bringing further pouting or bad behavior. Often, a stern reaction seems to work better. Maybe it is what they have been conditioned to respond to. I have seen this dynamic working in many examples with different people.

Counseling: Normally I’d be in total agreement with the comments posted so far. Here in Taiwan, I have to wonder though. I wonder, if the counselor is not Western-trained, what is his/her actual role? Is it what we think of, or is it to help clients fit back into their pre-conceived roles?

A lot to chew on. Good luck. Be careful. I hope you make choices that improve the situation for you both, even if in the end, that means being apart.

Seeker4

thank you all for your caring comments.

There have been times when I have been known to be just as candid on Forumosa.

I don’t doubt it being the real deal.

People post like this all the time. Perhaps not as full on as this, but real all the same.

we had a pretty nice fight this morning out of nowhere.i raged and slammed her into the door and something else but forgot. hope i didn’t hurt her. God forgive me.

Dude, if this is for real, you need to get out of the house NOW. Seriously…take a vacation.

yeah JD, i have a place i found in Oizumi Gakuen, Tokyo. it only costs 15,000NT for a month. i’m thinking about taking a trip there and just chilling out. i have to do 4 songs for my singer on tuesday. i get 6000NT each for those, so i’ll get that and leave on weds. i can probably do privates. wait… i gotta ask tetsuo or someone about this. are privates easy to find in tokyo? seemed not too hard 12 years ago but i don’t know about now.

Ran, get out before you hurt her or get hurt yourself. This is abuse which seems to be coming from both sides. It doesn’t matter who started it but it has to stop! Please, if you want to try to salvage this and think it’s worth fighting for, then do it from a distance for a while. Sometimes it takes distance to be able to look at a bad situation and find solutions or and end to things.

What you said that you did this morning shows that things are more than out of control and the reality is that should the matter escalate, you will also find yourself (and/or her) in serious legal trouble a well as in an extremely bad emotional marital situaltion.

Marriage counselling can be good although I don’t really know what is offered here in Taiwan or even if it would be appropriate for you. Personal counselling though, is available at the Community Services Center and you need to take advantage of this. Not only for you marriage issues but for you as well, personally. Talking about it is good, yes, but most of us here on Forumosa are not trained in this kind of issue and can only speak from personal experience at best and personal experiences vary for everyone. It took great courage to talk about this issue and you’ve started on the right road to recovery. Now it’s time to take it further, for your sake and for the sake of the woman you are married to.

Sound serious? It is.

Well, if you feel you must go so far…so be it. I meant move out of your house…and by so doing, diffuse the violence. I don’t know about you, but I’d take all my stuff with me if I were you. Seems the point of no return has been crossed…and neither one of you is in control anymore. :frowning:

That, and how many brothers did you say she had?

Sucks that it has come to this…and I too hope she’s not hurt.

thank you totallyika and JD. she has two brothers but i can take them. that’s not a good thing to say i guess.i would say the fighting goes nuts about once every 3 months. arguing once a week. no sex is all the time, except for when i’m really good and meet her criteria (ie you’re as good as my brother). last night she hugged me after i went to bed but that was because i was keeping her up unintentionally because i couldn’t sleep.
she’s so ‘fu yen’ i don’t know when it’s for real and when it’s not.but i push my luck if i think hugging means i can touch her breasts. no sorry. didn’t mean that. kiss, okay if you don’t bother me.so i have to control myself when i’m next to her. feels like my balls will explode.sorry.
she treats me like i’m an accessory in public.i’m on just about the same level as other guys-look but don’t touch.if she’s gonna demasculate me all the time i might as well have mine removed. i could sing steve perry’s stuff then.
by the way i was planning on going to happy hour. do you guys think i should show my face after this kinda post?

I think its time for a divorce.

You have no kids, right? No property, right?

No love, right? No relationship, right?

What’s keeping you together?

Sorry to be harsh… this is meant to be helpful… I think you are both wasting time together.

It isn’t difficult to imagine how things could be better if you two split up.

thanks tigerman, yeah no kids between us. i hate the fact that i left taipei to move down here and be denegrated by not only her but her co- workers now.like i’m really on the ball down here with the money situation. this town has about 10,000 people. i have a teaching demo on monday for a bushiban here. i’m just wondering if i should say to hell with it and run to japan for awhile.i’ll definietly bring my guitar and my Boss Microcube so i can play in Ginza.

Better practice up on the old konichiwa and o genki des ka there ran. And don’t forget to bring lots of money cuz Japan ain’t cheap. Or Maybe you oughta just come back to Taipei desuw ne?

By the way is it ran the man or rant he man?

ran

IMVVVHO just move out and get a new teaching gig somewhere

the japan shit is out of reach and you’ll be screwed being there with no visa or work permit…when the cash runs dry

dont make a bad situation worse…you obviously have things to deal with here

thanks JD. bob, it’s ran the man! that started going around in high school. everybody called me that, even my mom (bon’ anima)!
but seriously, every mafioso has to have a nick name. you got your:

frankie the nose
tony the shiek
nick the stick
fat tony
skinny pete
nicky two guns
paulie the pipe
charlie the chain
henry the hatchet

take yer freakin pick! ran the man.says it all!!!

rantheman, I’m sure you know this quote.

:wink:

Rantheman, how are things now ?

oh well, all in a days work. yeah could’ve rained. i should’ve been more optimistic.it’s just that i felt so “zhao gao”. if i’d stayed optimistic it would have turned out better. i fucked up big time. now i’ve gotta go to privates. i think my wife takes all my mental energy and patience so i have none for the outside. things are okay for now. she’s a totally different person. but when she gets angry, she’ll be a totally different person too. she’ll be kicking me out of the house and i’ll be walking highway 3.