Sincere Sino-Austronesian Greetings to all Foreign Friends,
We have been monitoring your forum with great interest. Thank you for your useful information regarding fake diplomas, drug use, immoral sexual behaviour, and criticisms of our culture and society on the part of members of the expatriate community.
In keeping with our “born again” mission to be helpful, we plan to implement the following identification system for foreigners in Taiwan. This new system will facilitate intra-foreigner communication, especially in loud and distracting venues such as Roxy Vibe, Carnegie’s, and Roxy 99. Even when drunk, and gyrating hedonistically to the latest pop hits from 2005, you will be able to identify possible bonding partners / rivals / parties-of-no-interest in a few seconds, saving you from scarring your larynx screaming or wasting time on fruitless social investments.
It will also enable us to better deal with each of you on a case-by-case basis, in case of visa renewal problems, overstay issues, DUI cases and kindie raids.
In 2009, the code will be encoded on your new digital ARC’s.
The purpose of this message is to solicit your input on categories and descriptions to ensure that the objective and subjective matching of category value perception is optimal.
The code is an alphanumeric sequence of groups, each identifying your particular information as one item from a menu of possibles.
The suggested data categories are:
Phylum A:
- Nationality
- Gender
- Real age
- Declared age
- Desired age style (if different), i.e. more mature than usual, young at heart, etc.
Phylum B
1.Occupation current status
2.Occupation rationalizations and / or comments / issues
Phylum C
1.Real educational and professional background
2.Presented educational and professional background
3.Discrepancy justifications
Phylum D
1.Residency pattern, outside of Taiwan
2.Residency pattern, inside Taiwan
Phylum E
1.Sexual orientation
2.Presented sexual orientation
3.Marital status
4.Fidelity pattern
5.Sexual activity profile
6.Sexual potency / general success factor
Phylum F
- Your level of general approval for Taiwan
- Your pattern of positive / negative response to Taiwanese idiosyncrasies
- Your investment in Taiwan (social, economic, political, other)
Phylum G
- Intoxication pattern
- Thus-induced lifestyle distortions
- Rationalizations / clever quips for the above
The above-proposed system comprises 24 elements. Written or scanned, they could all be read more-or-less instantaneously. In casual conversation, you might only focus on one phylum.
For example, instead of saying to a drunk British girl at the Brass Monkey on Ladies’ Night at 2:00 AM, “Hey babe, are you a dyke? I hope not, because I dig chicks. I’m married but I can’t just make it with only one chick. I’m a bit of a horn dog and I’m ready to go. But I don’t mean to be a rude bastard, honestly. I mean, like, do you have a boyfriend? And how serious is it? I mean, well… you KNOW what I mean! Oh yeah, by the way, I’m WAY GOOD between the sheets! My chubbie don’t quit until I tell it to sit! That’s not conceit, that’s consensus! So, what are you waiting for?? Let’s go to my place!!”
You could say, PHYLUM E!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? PHYLUM EE!! I AM E: S-S-M-N-A-9!!! E: S-S-M-N-A-9!!
For the purposes of brevity, other examples will be left to forum participants to envision.
To help us with our project, we would appreciate any well-thought-out feedback, in the form of comments and suggestions. Although we already know the ARC numbers and IP addresses of all forum participants, this data will not be included in our database of responses.
Thank you for your attention,
The For In-affairs Please
P.S. We are too professional here to hate you for your high pay / easy job / easy lay lifestyle. So, you can trust us! We like you, really! Bye-bye!