Attention: new foreigner id system in planning

Sincere Sino-Austronesian Greetings to all Foreign Friends,

We have been monitoring your forum with great interest. Thank you for your useful information regarding fake diplomas, drug use, immoral sexual behaviour, and criticisms of our culture and society on the part of members of the expatriate community.

In keeping with our “born again” mission to be helpful, we plan to implement the following identification system for foreigners in Taiwan. This new system will facilitate intra-foreigner communication, especially in loud and distracting venues such as Roxy Vibe, Carnegie’s, and Roxy 99. Even when drunk, and gyrating hedonistically to the latest pop hits from 2005, you will be able to identify possible bonding partners / rivals / parties-of-no-interest in a few seconds, saving you from scarring your larynx screaming or wasting time on fruitless social investments.

It will also enable us to better deal with each of you on a case-by-case basis, in case of visa renewal problems, overstay issues, DUI cases and kindie raids.

In 2009, the code will be encoded on your new digital ARC’s.

The purpose of this message is to solicit your input on categories and descriptions to ensure that the objective and subjective matching of category value perception is optimal.

The code is an alphanumeric sequence of groups, each identifying your particular information as one item from a menu of possibles.

The suggested data categories are:

Phylum A:

  1. Nationality
  2. Gender
  3. Real age
  4. Declared age
  5. Desired age style (if different), i.e. more mature than usual, young at heart, etc.

Phylum B
1.Occupation current status
2.Occupation rationalizations and / or comments / issues

Phylum C
1.Real educational and professional background
2.Presented educational and professional background
3.Discrepancy justifications

Phylum D
1.Residency pattern, outside of Taiwan
2.Residency pattern, inside Taiwan

Phylum E
1.Sexual orientation
2.Presented sexual orientation
3.Marital status
4.Fidelity pattern
5.Sexual activity profile
6.Sexual potency / general success factor

Phylum F

  1. Your level of general approval for Taiwan
  2. Your pattern of positive / negative response to Taiwanese idiosyncrasies
  3. Your investment in Taiwan (social, economic, political, other)

Phylum G

  1. Intoxication pattern
  2. Thus-induced lifestyle distortions
  3. Rationalizations / clever quips for the above

The above-proposed system comprises 24 elements. Written or scanned, they could all be read more-or-less instantaneously. In casual conversation, you might only focus on one phylum.

For example, instead of saying to a drunk British girl at the Brass Monkey on Ladies’ Night at 2:00 AM, “Hey babe, are you a dyke? I hope not, because I dig chicks. I’m married but I can’t just make it with only one chick. I’m a bit of a horn dog and I’m ready to go. But I don’t mean to be a rude bastard, honestly. I mean, like, do you have a boyfriend? And how serious is it? I mean, well… you KNOW what I mean! Oh yeah, by the way, I’m WAY GOOD between the sheets! My chubbie don’t quit until I tell it to sit! That’s not conceit, that’s consensus! So, what are you waiting for?? Let’s go to my place!!”
You could say, PHYLUM E!! DID YOU HEAR ME??? PHYLUM EE!! I AM E: S-S-M-N-A-9!!! E: S-S-M-N-A-9!!

For the purposes of brevity, other examples will be left to forum participants to envision.

To help us with our project, we would appreciate any well-thought-out feedback, in the form of comments and suggestions. Although we already know the ARC numbers and IP addresses of all forum participants, this data will not be included in our database of responses.

Thank you for your attention,

The For In-affairs Please

P.S. We are too professional here to hate you for your high pay / easy job / easy lay lifestyle. So, you can trust us! We like you, really! Bye-bye!

Fucking brilliant! really enjoyed that one bravo sir bravo!

Phew! Had me worried there for a minute!

One hell of a post man, I couldn’t help but laugh at it.

Outstanding!
Exceedingly well written!

[quote]
…“the latest pop hits from 2005”,

“Phylum C
1.Real educational and professional background
2.Presented educational and professional background
3.Discrepancy justifications”

"Phylum G

  1. Intoxication pattern
  2. Thus-induced lifestyle distortions"
  3. Rationalizations / clever quips for the above [/quote]
    :bravo: :thumbsup:

This deserves Classic Post status!
:uhhuh:

Ya. I laughed too. Just tell us when to leave and we will all go home to better paying jobs, a closer family and a country that appreciates the efforts most of us make to make Taiwan a truly International Country. I know the post was made “tongue in cheek” but it did hit a nerve. This is my hobby and I don’t want anybody to be screwing with my so-called hobby.

Started out a s a hobby…and now I’m stuck here!! I tried to get out, but they just pulled me back in.

Funny how that happens. :s

The grammar is suspiciously good. I don’t think they used an electronic dictionary for this one.
Or - some government lackey saw the light and hired an editor - Halleluiah!

If only.

Well, I suppose I should confess that, in fact, I am not in the employ of the government, and the proposed system is entirely spurious and flastogenic.

However, in what is probably a vain attempt to make my mark before I kick the bucket, I will try to develop this foreigner coding system into something usable. My truest hope is that, when finished, it gets adopted - at least in part -by some kind of groovy subculture that involves really cool chicks you never see at Carnegie’s, DJ’s who actually live up to their hype, and the other denizens of Olympia. Thus, thanks for kind words, sorry if I pressed any buttons, and please, by all means make suggestions as to how I can better develop this system to make your life easier.

Some questions to prompt you:
  1. How could this system actually be used in a way that was serious?
    “Ironic”? Wasted? Refreshing?

  2. How would you react if someone started giving you parts of their code
    and/or asking for yours? Why?

  3. If other people in your environment started using it, would you learn
    it just to understand them?

  4. What parts of the code do you think are most (ir)relevant, and why not?

  5. Why hasn’t Sandman made any sarcastic statements about my post? I
    feel slighted.