I was recently called a “sell outs and racist” by one of my eurasian male friends semi-jokingly. I felt really offended but he insisted that what he said make sense.
I told him that I no longer find Asian men attractive because of my experience with Asian men, boyfriend or relative, growing up in a primarily Asian (men) dominated environment. After my long term relationship with my Asian ex ended, I was so traumatized it must’ve left a deep scar. When I met my Caucasian husband, I started to realize how much freedom I had in the relationship, which was completely different from what I have experienced in my previous relationship. This Caucasian man was honest, open-minded, caring, and laid back. He was pretty much the opposite of my ex. Growing up in Taiwan for the first 12 years of my life and living in the U.S. ever since, has me stuck in between the two different cultures. I started to resent a lot of the things that Asian men has in a way, “oppressed” Asian women. My dad’s done it to my mom, my sister’s ex did it to her, my bestfriend’s boyfriend did it to her, and my ex did it to me. Even though this is a generalization to all Asian men, I believe I have every valid reason why I no longer find Asian men attractive to be with. There’s also a Chinese saying along the lines of being bitten by a snake, and one’d be afraid of ropes for the next 10 years, meaning a traumatic experience inflicting so bad of a psychological wound on a person that the person would be afraid of any similiar experiences for a very long time. So, I’d like to state that the reason why I started dating Caucasian men was probably due to cultural openess, how I felt like I wasn’t suffocated because I wasn’t expected to fulfill a certain role, or do a certain things.
On the other hand, when I asked my husband of 3 years why he found me attractive, he told me part of the reason was because he liked the way Asian women look. My husband has preference to dark haired girls as opposed to blondes. He has preference to darker skin as opposed to pale skin. He has preference to smaller body frames as opposed to wider, longer frames. These are all the physical attributes he found attractive and since Asian women are usually the ones who possess these attributes, he found Asian women more attractive. It is not to say that he had only dated Asian women, as I was actually the first Asian woman he’s ever dated, and ended up marrying to. When I talked about this with my eurasian male friend, he basically called my husband and I racists, and me more specifically, a “sell out”. According to him, taking a preference based on the characteristics of a certain race IS the very essence of racism. I have a lot of problems with this statement, because while one can list out his preference for women with bigger boobs without being called a sexist, why is it that having preference of black hair or oval eyes considered racism?
Now you see why I’m offended? I don’t care if random people see us on the street and judge us based on the 3 seconds they’ve seen us, but I do care when I’ve given what I thought were valid reasons why I find someone attractive or not but only to be called a racist and a sell out. When one has a preference to a particular culture or physical attributes possessed by the majority of a certain race, would that be considered racism? Or, would it be simply, just preferences? Please share your thoughts…