SCL, you are totally right and I apologize for posting with my brain in neutral. Jonathan, I apologize to you too. 
I am following this discussion because it really fits in nicely with the issue of personal questions that we all face here and how we handle them.
It really is none of my students business whether I am straight/gay/married/divorced/widowed/separated/etc,. If we are to teach the students language and cultural norms, we really have to communicate the fact that in English speaking cultures, itās not considered particularly appropriate to ask certain personal questions for fear of causing offence, including our āmaritalā (for want of a better word) status.
Moreover, having taught here for more than ten years, I am personally BORED having to answer these same questions again and again. So now I refuse (politely), obfuscate, divert and whatever other strategies seem appropriate.
Has anyone a good lesson plan on how to deal with this issue?
Also, with the question/answers phrases in most childrenās books (like Stop with English or Letās Go!), how do you teach cultural sensitivity when students are asked to practise phrases like āhow old are you?ā (culturally inappropriate for a child to ask an adult in UK).
JMHO
Mod - should this be a separate thread?
Kenneth
Fine, Sandman ā¦ just apologize to Liljohn and SCL, and leave me out :x
Oh for chrissakes! OK, OK, I apologise to everyone everywhere for any percieved gay-bashing homophobic posts on my part, either in the past, present or future. Happy now? 
I think this is the key. People knowing, and directly telling them are very different things. Like my girlfriend stayed at my place a lot before we got married. She lied and tol;d her parents she was in the āspare roomā etc. Like they really fell for that. But it was alright for them to know, but if weād said anything it would have been a different story altogether.
I see your point though LJ. When Iām talking with my students I always talk about my family, my wife, their families etc. Itās very natural, and I can understand you wanting to say, āno I donāt have a girlfriend, but Iāve got a boyfriend, heās Taiwanese and heās greatā, I just think itās probably not a good idea. How about āI donāt like women - tai mafan!ā or something.
Best of luck,
Brian
[quote=āsandmanā]Why on earth would anyone wish to discuss their sexual proclivities with their students? I happen to particularly enjoy ā69ā but its not something Iād care to divulge to my workmates and if I am ever asked awkward questions, I stick to my Ann Landers-style response: āI canāt imagine why you would have any interest whatsoever in such a personal matter.ā Said with a sweet smile, of course.
I give this response all the time in answer to questions about why we donāt have kids yet, as its much easier than going into a whole spiel about how we had a child who died at the age of 9 days, or alternatively just lying and saying āno kids,ā as that would be disrespectful of my daughterās memory.[/quote]
sandman, being gay is not about sexual proclivities anymore than being straight isā¦
If you mention a wife/girlfriend etc ever or wear a wedding ring etc, you are shouting out your sexual proclivities to the world.
On edit: i just noticed youāve already been harassed and apologised for thisā¦
I donāt want to beat up on you too 
Stay in the closet if you are teaching kids, unless you are good friends with the boss, even then donāt tell the kids, for Godās sake.
You might want to consider taking your adult students out to a gay bar after coming out to them. Iāve known gay teachers who have done that as part of a lesson plan, sort of like after restaurant practice.
And get off Sandmanās back. Itās nice to see so many well-meaning straight people.
LilJohn,
Perhaps the easiest solution would be to tell your students that you like Taiwanese boy bands and that you think F-4 are really cool. Basically, itās telling them that you are gay without actually saying it.
Why is everyone telling me what to do for āGodās sakeā? 
Okā¦ let me try to clarify things. One thing I donāt like about these forums is that what you mean when you write is not always what people āhearā when they read those same words.
Once againā¦ I teach adults (with the possible exception of the occasional high school student). So, Iām less worried about their parentsā reaction as I am about the individual studentsā reaction. Even so, my main concern is not whether they will hate me because Iām gay (people donāt have to like me, as long as they respect me and treat me civily), but whether they will drop out of the class. If I have a lot of students leave all at once, it will look bad for me, no matter what the reason for their departure.
I am not out in all areas of my life, and neither is my boyfriend. We both understand that there are times that the āproblemsā associated with being out are far greater than those of staying in the closet. Many of those problems occur because of the reaction of society. Therefore, though I hate the idea of hiding. I do realize that there are and maybe times when it is prudent to do so.
That being said, even during those times that I do mention my sexual orientation (NOT my sexual proclivities ), it is usually in an indirect fashion. For example, most people at work know I am gay. But, I canāt remember ever telling any of them directly ā e.g., āHi. Iām Jonathan. Iām gay.ā Usually it just comes up naturally in conversation ā e.g., āHow was your weekend.ā āNice. My boyfriend and Iā¦ā
In the same way, I have no plans to āblurt outā my sexuality to my students. Nor, do I expect to tell every student in every class. My main āissueā is having to hide and/or lie about my sexuality when it comes up naturally. If straight teachers have the freedom to mention their partners, spouses, etcā¦ why donāt I?
Iāve asked my boss his opinion. He says he personally doesnāt care if I tell my students. Though, he would be (as I am) worried about the studentsā reactions.
I have one class, mostly students in their 20ās, who constantly bring up homosexuality in class. Mostly this is in the form of pretending another same sex student is their partner or spouse. Theyāve also had two other teachers before me. Both of them were gay. Neither of them officially came out in class (though the second one did mention that he didnāt like girls). But, they seem to know that they were gay and mention them in reference to that. At no time have I ever gotten the impression that their comments, etcā¦ are negative or derogatory.
I decided to do an activity that asked them about their opinions of homosexuality ā what percent of Taiwans population do they think are homosexual, do they know any gays or lesbians, how would they react if someone they know came out to them, etcā¦ The discussion was very positive and very good. However, I still didnāt come out to them, because my life didnāt come up; there was no ānaturalā reason to do so.
I guess Iāve hit on everything. I hope this helps to clarify a few things. I look forward to hearing some more responses/opinions. Thanks for all those responses so far.
Jonathan
What a GREAT idea! Bring a crowd of wide-eyed straight students to a gay bar! :shock: Donāt forget to tell them to PLEASE FEED THE ANIMALS! Generally, gin-tonics or Boom-booms will be fine! But no hands in the cages please, or they might get scratched! 
After talking to a bunch of people, including my boyfriend, about this topic, Iāve come to the following conclusions about how I am going to handle this issue. I donāt expect these to be appropriate for everyone, of course. Iām not even sure that they will work for me. But, I feel they are worth a try.
I will not announce outright that I am gay (not that I would ever do that). But, if asked directly if Iām gay (which I don
Ohmygod! :shock: :shock: You did WHAAAAT?
Seriously, I donāt think your average young adult here is as naive as you might have thought. A bit more conservative than your average Westerner in some cases, maybe, but hell ā¦ they generally know what time it is just as much as people anywhere. Now, if you did that in rural Wyoming or somewhere like that, thereās no telling what might have happened to youā¦
Your bosses, however, might be a different story.
But you seem to have handled things pretty effectively without our sterling help.
Wellā¦ if youāve been reading the other posts in this thread, you know that Iāve already talked to my boss about all this. He doesnāt have a problem with it. His only concern has been that I donāt lose students. Which is also my concern. That is why I am not just blurting it out. It is also why I will only directly tell students that I know well enough and think can handle it.
Besides, as Iāve also mentioned beforeā¦ no matter how open minded or conservative your average Taiwanese is, I thinks it is important that they see that gays and lesbians can be and are as normal as they are. So, it may just be good for them to find out that this teacher they have is not only a nice guy but gay, too.
Finally, though, from my experiences I still stick to my statement. The people Iāve met are not naive. But, they will hear and believe only what they want to believe ā only what fits into their world view. So, if someone they donāt or canāt see as gay says he likes boys, they will think that person is joking. Or, just plain ignore what he says. Maybe Iām wrong, but it is how I perceive the people Iāve interacted with.
Jonathan
For whatever reason, the compute logged me in earlier as my bf. The last post was from me ā liljohn ā and not Alfā¦
Weird stuffā¦
Jonathan
Hi Jonathan, I am a new poster so I am coming a bit late to this discussion. However, I wanted to add my comments as my experience is pertinent. I have been teaching almost exclusively adults (late teens to mid 50s) for over five years in Taipei. Though I am gay, it has affected me very little in the classroom and I think that is due to the strategy I have used regarding it.
First, I would say that Taiwan is very much a āDonāt ask, donāt tellā society. At least here in Taipei (and as far as foreigners go), which is my only frame of reference for teaching in Taiwan. I can only remember one time a student asking me directly āAre you a gay?ā and that was a teenager who I think was more trying to be a wiseass than inquisitive. I am neither out nor closeted here. I donāt think any long-term expat can be out who needs gainful employment. Having said that, I donāt find it is necessary to be closeted as an alien resident, just not demonstrative about it.
Taiwanese are nosy as a rule about your personal business because they are deeply so with each other and donāt see a reason not to be with westerners until they are clued-in to the fact that we donāt like it. So when those probing questions about my personal life come, I employ the strategy previously outlined in other postings of evasion and non-answers. But the trick I believe that works best is to do it as often as possible with humor. I find that the Taiwanese are good at picking up on the fact that a joke is a pleasant way of signaling that you are uncomfortable with the subject and donāt want to talk about it. This with a quick change of the subject afterwards works wonders for me.
For example, when someone asks āDonāt you want a girlfriend?ā my reply is often a Chinese saying āNi jr dow nu ren shr wha shuiā (sorry for the awful romanization) which translates into something like āYou know women are deep troubled watersā or just say in English that āI have so many problems already.ā This gets a laugh and we move on to the next subject. Remember, as the teacher you are in charge in the classroom and even adults respond quite well to teachers directing the topics.
That is for the short-term. For the long-term, people either quietly accept that I am gay and NEVER mention it or they keep whatever image of me that they have in their head that they are comfortable with (like a Professor Henry Higgins confirmed bachelor type or a Frank Sinatra swinger type). A lot of people think I have a lot of one-night stands with pretty girls in Taiwan and sort of wink at me about it.
With long-term students I refer to my boyfriend of five years as my āfriendā. We have lived together for over four years and anyone who does the math can figure it out. Especially when I always refer to him when I talk about who I did what with on the weekend or what vacation we took together. Those who can accept it do and those who cannot continue on into denial (a strong trait in Taiwanese for many things in life.) Those who canāt are unlikely to cause you problems because of it, if you are discreet about it. I feel this is a much better approach than that of some who invent dead wives or long distance girlfriends who never seem to travel to Taipei. Lies always eventually get found out or become so transparent that people lose trust in you.
The important thing to realize is that many Chinese are very much like children and they have a strong need for fairy tales and set roles in life (mommy, daddy, boss, teacher, etc.) and gays just do not work into their scheme of thinking. I think that what prejudice against gayness that does exist here is mostly because it is flies in the face of familial piety and extending the family line through male heirs that is the rock bed of Chinese thinking. The only time being gay really is met with scorn and derision here is when it is within the family. This is almost always totally unacceptable and will be dealt with harshly. Outside of that, aside from public displays of affection, most people donāt really seem to have much of an issue with it. My boyfriend and I have resided in the same building for four years and are friendly with our neighbors. Most people have figured it out and that doesnāt stop them from being nice to us (or at least civil). Once when we were shopping together in a traditional market an elderly lady vendor asked my boyfriend with a smile how long we had been together (I thought it was so cute).
There are a couple of things that help me out. One is that I do not display any outward characteristics that people might interpret as gay. The other is that I passed my 40th birthday in Taiwan and am now creeping past the age when it would be expected for me to have children so I think people are less apt to bug me about that.
As far as at work or in the class which is what this threat is about, for one, coming out directly to anyone (Taiwanese) at the workplace would probably be met with deep embarrassment. Number two, I have learned to NEVER give anyone at work ANY information that they could potentially use to harm me. Eventually in Taiwan you will intentionally or unintentionally cross someone and in this culture of retribution you donāt want someone to be able to use something against you at work. Being gay wonāt get you fired but they can manufacture some other excuse. Worst-case scenario is getting deported, which is against your goal of being together with your boyfriend.
It was difficult for me to adjust to this semi-closeted status but now I find it works best. One thing I would like to note to the straight people who have posted here is that it is quite difficult to always need to edit yourself and not be able to be who you really are and that is what causes the discomfort of the original poster. However, I find with time it is easier to accept here.
Sorry for the length of this post but I have rather a lot of experience with this I have never shared before and hope it is useful to someone. I find most of the time writing postings like these is really writing about yourself though.
Cheers and good luck to all.
What a fabulously written, well-thought-out and informative post, Epicurean! Pour yourself a LARGE Bombay and tonic! 
As a buxiban owner in a small central Taiwanese community, my priority always lie with the retention of students. Though Iāve never explicitly polled my parents on the subject, Iām pretty sure a large number of them would have difficulty warming up to the idea of a homosexual teaching their kids. Which means, unfortunately, bigoted as it may sound, any teacher of mine discovered āoutingā himself to students would be flirting with automatic dismissal.
But lest anyone think Iām targetting homosexuals, the same would be true of ANYTHING unacceptable to my studentsā parents ā from smoking in the classroom to the female teacher I dismissed a while back for immodest dress (despite her insistence that I was infringing on her right of self-expression).
My buxiban is a business, not a bully pulpit for short termers looking to push a social agendum, no matter how important that agendum might be. Thus any such attempts at āeducatingā the Taiwanese had better be cleared with me first.
Actually, it sounds like your bossās attitude and mine arenāt too different ā except that I might be a bit more pessimistic about the level of acceptance amongst my parents.
I understand your discomfort at having to constantly dodge such questions. I go through something similar every time a well-meaning neighbor or parent inquires as to why my wife and I donāt have children. As the REAL reason is none of their business, I usually just make something up.
Kaiwen
[quote=āEpicureanā]Taiwanese are nosy as a rule about your personal business because they are deeply so with each other and don
KaiwenLee writes: