Arrrgh, truly dey be the scourge of Ilha Formosa, aye, worse even dan dee bout o’ yella fever we had ‘round dees parts not so long ‘go. Methinks yuh all knows the type o’ person who we be callin’ the English Bandit, an’ they not be English a’ tall. No, fer da life o’ me the creature be of native stock, speakin’ the lingo of the land with they own mums, as it were. But always they be lolligagin’ on the street see, scannin’ the roads for sign of the Big Nose, waitin’, jus’ waitin’ for da chance to wag their tongues in England talk. That be us, friends, the Big Noses that is. Jus’ take yerselves a look at dis here diary I found on de last one I run ‘cross. I translated it from the Chinese scribbles I ha’ for so long been a stud’in, in me sparetimes. I e’en put in good an’ proper English fer ye prim scalliwags, who take a likin’ to pretty words.
“I waited in McDonald’s today as usual for the Big Noses to arrive. I had my English textbook with me as usual, but I didn’t want these hairy white ghost people to catch on to what I am doing. After all, this game doesn’t work very well unless they think I am trying to be their friend. Anyways, I caught me a big stinky one and asked him the usual questions. Where is he from, why is he here, is he married, does he have children, blah blah blah. This particular Big Nose speaks Chinese, which always really annoys me. I hate it when they try and interfere with my life’s mission of practicing English. I spoke English to it anyways, even though it kept trying to use our language, in our country. The nerve! Needless to say, I completely and utterly refused to speak Chinese to it, and then it thought that I couldn’t speak Chinese! It tried using Taiwanese. Of course it only said a few words, but I gave it the usual incredibly shocked look and told it how “hao bang” it was and all. Tomorrow I think I will just walk around Shi-Da looking for these creatures, but I don’t like it there as well as around that big Hess school. Around Shi-Do way too many speak Chinese. How annoying!”
An’ dere ye have it, from da monster’s penned hand i’self.