Here’s a little quiz for our American friends
By Ian Robinson – Calgary Sun
Sun, December 12, 2004 <— clickable link to article
Some enterprising Americans are marketing a kit to allow Americans to pretend to be Canadians while travelling abroad.
They’re wimp lessons, I guess.
The theory is we’re the most non-threatening entity on the planet – the Phil Donahue of nations – so if Yanks can pass for Canadians, al-Qaida operatives won’t cut their heads off and post movies of it on the Internet.
It’s partly a joke, of course. But what it really means is that our government has so degraded our international reputation that we’ve become like those Ming dynasty attendants in the Forbidden City.
The poor guys who had their essentials cut off so they could serve the emperor without getting distracted every time some hot, young concubine wandered past.
In this modern world of ours, Canadian equals Castrati.
Thanks Paul Martin. Thanks Jean Chretien. Way to go, Pierre Trudeau.
Normally, people and nations should be advised to go with their strengths, but since we don’t have any anymore, we’re going to have to go with our weaknesses and pretend they’re strengths.
Which is probably the single most important thing an American has to learn about pretending to be Canadian.
In the interest of helping them out, here’s a little quiz for our American friends. Pass this, you can pass for Canadian:
- To make baseball more exciting, you would:
a) Make baseball more exciting? Impossible!
b) Speed it up a little.
c) Play it on ice.
- If someone starts to tell a joke that starts with “How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?” you should:
a) Grin and wait for the punchline.
b) Scream “That’s not funny!”
c) Run to the nearest human rights commission to file a complaint, then hit a lawyer’s office on the way home to bring a $10-million lawsuit against whoever owns the building in which this hideous and horrible slur was uttered.
- A large double-double is:
a) A night on the town with two overweight chicks.
b) A what?
c) How everybody should start their day.
- The subject of school prayer comes up. When asked for your opinion, you say:
a) Given that North America was settled by good Christian folk from far-off lands and that our entire value system, not to mention our jurisprudence, are essentially based on the Judeo-Christian tradition, school prayer is not only benign but necessary.
b) My children are home-schooled.
c) What’s a prayer?
- Say you’re in the market for some warships. You:
a) Launch a money-is-no-object development program that produces first-class vessels that see you emerge as a major naval power
b) Purchase warships from a trusted ally.
c) Pick up a few submarines on the cheap, lie to the taxpayers about whether you had to pay cash money for them, and kind of forget to check if they’ll submerge and do all the kinds of sneaky things submarines are supposed to do.
- As an important government official, when hiring a lifeguard for a federal pool facility, you:
a) Hire the guy who swims like a fish and knows CPR.
b) Hire a nephew of the guy who gave $10,000 to your last campaign.
c) Pick the one who can’t really swim a lick … but speaks fluent French.
- A Molson’s Muscle is:
a) Some kind of car.
b) A pot belly.
c) A delightful symbol of Canadian manhood.
- Gun control is:
a) Being able to hit your target.
b) A Commie-pinko-Hillary-Clinton-plot.
c) A sensible investment of $1 billion.
- When faced with a looming national shortage of nurses and doctors, the national official in charge of immigration policy should:
a) Encourage medical professionals to come here from other countries.
b) Reduce barriers preventing foreign-trained doctors and nurses from practising in their new country.
c) Issue lots of work permits to eastern-European exotic dancers.
- The greatest man who ever lived is:
a) George Washington.
b) Thomas Jefferson.
c) Wayne Gretzky.
The correct answers, of course, are all C. And to our American friends travelling abroad: Good luck, eh?