Changing for a mate

Would you change to find an SO?

  • I have before. (Woman)
  • I have before (man)
  • I would for the right mate (woman)
  • I would for the right mate (man)
  • No way, Jose! (woman)
  • Nu uh, no how. (Man)

0 voters

I am always hearing crazy people say that I should be more this or that to find a man. (usually girly). My roommate says I should pretend to be dumb. She thinks that men are afraid because I’m too smart. (not likely)
I think this is the stupidest thing ever. As I like to tell my mother, I don’t want a man who will buy me flowers. I’m allergic.
I do know people who change from mate to mate. And I don’t get it. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who digs you for who you are?
Anyways. The question stands, would you? Do you?

Change sure, but to what degree? Anybody who changes the essence of what they are just to get a partner is asking for a lifetime of unhappiness. :loco:

Would I, consciously rearrange myself for another, just to please her? Probably not.
Would I adapt? yeah.
Would I adopt traits I admire in others, her in particular? hell yeah.

I’m happily self-sufficient and fairly solitary by nature, but I firmly believe that we’re social creatures. More than that, I believe that initimate relations and strong commitments complete us in deeply meaningful ways. I expect that a meaningful relationship is going to change me. I expect her to appreciate me for who I am and to expect better (something nearer the best) from me. If she brings that out in me, I’ve picked a good one.

If she’s just looking for a frivolous change to suit her fancy, she can look elsewhere.

Good question Suchafob! I think changing minor, unimportant things about yourself is ok. Like, if I like to wear black, but my SO thinks I look really hot in red, I’ll wear red.

But acting dumb to get a guy? Hells no girl! He should like you for you.

U know the old saying…?
" A woman spends half the relationship trying to change a guy, then one day wakes up and wonders what happened to the guy she married."(or vice versa)
A generalisation I now, but the theme is clear.
My most unhappy relatinships were those that had an expectation to change, it simply robs of you of your unique self, Screw that. I married a woman at loves me cos Im me, and vice versa…but it’s not that she doesnt nag from time to time! :noway:

Would I change for a mate? I’m really not sure.

Only one way to find out: when are you available to mate? :smiley:

Seriously, though (see, I can be serious), I would change the stuff that I know is bad but I’ve been allowed to get away with because I have no one to please. :s

I would probably smile more, wear tidier clothes, get my hair cut more often, maybe even buy some shoes that shine. I’d stop going to bed so late, for sure! :wink: I’d start cooking again, and I’d keep the bedroom tidier and stocked up on candles and massage oil. I’d close the bathroom door when having a poop, and I’d give up on my penicillin culture experiment thingy in the fridge.

I guess I would change - hell, I’d have to; no one wants me the way I am. :cry:

If anyone ever fancies a change from attractive, neatly dressed, successful, desirable men, you have my number. :cluck:

I think the most important thing if you chose to change anything about yourself is that you do it for you.

I have been in relationships before where I sacraficed alot of things on behalf of the “relationship” and to accomodate the other person’s needs and life style. Sacrafices such as hobbies, my living habbits, eating habbits, etc. I can tell you that #1, those relationships didnt work out in the end and #2, I wasnt me. After a few months / years I really started to feel like something was really missing and I could be happier.

I think that inevitabley all people adapt and change to a certain extent in any relationship. One could say that in a relationship both partners tend to evolve and adapt to their new living enviroment. Its normal and natural. When it becomes harmful to you and the relationship is when you try to change who you are, your desires, dreams, goals, etc. Never sacrafice those.

You mean like start learning Chinese to have a bigger available “mating-pool”?

No way!

No… do not change yourself.

If the person you are with falls in love with the person you are pretending to be, when you finally get comfortable with them and start being who you really are, they are in for a serious realization. They are in a relationship with someone who they thought was someone else.

I know it sounds corny, but just be yourself, and have someone like you for who you are. If someone doesn’t like the person you are, that’s their problem, not yours.

A guy that’s afraid of an intelligent woman is either insecure or domineering. Even if you like that in a man (somehow I doubt it) how long can you keep up the pretence?

I am actually turned off by dumb women, other men must feel the same way. Tell your roommate she’s wrong. Smart is sexy.

You’re right, it is. Pretending to be someone you aren’t is a lie, not a good basis for building a relationship.

You can adopt traits you like in another person, you can try to be a better person, but you can’t change who you are. If a man’s feelings for you are genuine, he won’t ask you to.

Change is a constant part of life. Its also known as adaptation.

In relationships, change is usually part of what is known as…‘compromise’
All relationships require a certain amount of compromise.
The tricky part is knowing when the ‘compromises’ come in conflict with your established moral/social/legal/personal ethics. Thats where the probs can start.

So you have to ask yourself - “If I change to attract someone, Is it really me thay are attracted to?” :grandpa:

Being in a relationship which allows you to be yourself unconditionally is a a wonderful and rare thing. It starts with you yourself accepting who you are, being happy with yourself, preferably before you meet your mate.

Being able to accept your mate for who she/he is unconditionally, without expecting them to change over time to fit your projection, is another wonderful and rare thing.

They both come with time and experience. But, they do come.

I’m not talking about polished shoes, toilet seats and lingerie color. Those are always subject to discussion and compromise.

SAF, you are a very unique woman. (yeah, yeah, spare me the “every woman is unique” speach, people! this one IS unique, believe me!) It will never be easy for you to find a guy, but from one loco drama case to another: “It’s possible. Don’t compromise!”

And when in doubt, ask yourself this: “Do I want a guy who wants me to be dumb?”

I’ll change myself if it effects the person’s mental/emotional/phsycial health. That’s important… I’m willing to change myself if there are aspects that create barriers to having a deeper commitment or love in the relationship.

But to change my God given talents/gifts to have someone love me? Nope, because I would have to question who are they in respect that I would need to supress my authentic self.

What about changing to get laid?

I bet most of you thought that was ok, but then you might just end up liking eachother. So do you slowly emerge as you, or just suddenly not shower one morning and start farting infront of your new mate?

My last girlfriend wanted me to stop smoking, lose weight and stop throw knives in the house. I did lose some weight.

If I hadn’t changed for an SO I’d be dead today. No question. Sometimes change can be a good thing.

Amen. I wouldn’t be dead, but I’m better for the changes I’ve made.

Just to be clear, I wasn’t asking advice. I was asking oppinions.
I won’t change for a man cuz I am happier alone than I am giving myself up.
But i won’t date someone if I don’t think I can learn from them.
But damned if I am going to date someone who wants a girl who won’t express themselevs. Truth be told my ex made me miserable. I won’t do that again. Haha.

Keep true to attract at the beginning. Adapt for long term togetherness. It’s that simple.

Good words Yellow C! :notworthy: