Confused About My Relationship

Life Dating & Relationships
1

I thought very hard about this, but I’m so confused right now that its probably the best to get aome advice from people who i actually never met.

I am living right now in Beijing, but i was in Taiwan for six weeks in 2008. Back then I met someone. It was very brief, just the day before I left, we had lunch and some coffee. But I was blown away. His interests, his intelligence and his personality really impressed me. After I went back to Europe we stayed in touch, but over the two years slowly lost contact. Now I live in China and since my chinese really improved i started contacting him again.
This Winter I came back to Taiwan for a visit, I have some friends here, so I thought it would be cool to see him again too. It was really akward for me because how do you act in front of a guy that you barely know?! My heart was racing, but as soon as i saw him everything went away. We just really got along. I stayed at his place for a whole week and actually had my own room…well i never slept in it once. I got to know his friends, his mom…I guess we just hung out.
During this week i realised that I probably never met a guy so complicated. On the outside, with his friends, he was the cool kid, you know, hollering when a girl that had, well arms legs and the specifics of a woman, would walk by…
On the inside he is this sensitive guy that has tendencies to depressions and is just so unsure of himself.When we were alone, he was so insecure, questioned himself alot, with which I don’t mean just- iam too fat-. He was so critical about his life, his choices. He opened up to me about his family issues, which i think has alot to do with that I am an outsider, but still.
He was so affectionate and very caring. I had the feeling that we had a connection.
The whole time I was there I never said a word what would happen when I go back to China. I didn’t want to scare him off and guys tend to take these kind of talks the wrong way. But after I left, I had the feeling that I took so much more with me than I first thought I would get from this experience. Yes I fell for him. Not in a way of wanting to be with him, just for the person that he is. I wrote him that. He said that he would keep this experience in his heart and that this is very special to him. I offered that he could come to China if he wants to, just a casual visit. I think from there we got a little lost in translation. In the end of this chat conversation he said that he’s really confused right now because he had this huge fight with his mom, said bye and i never heard a word from him again. I wrote my feelings and thoughts down…in chinese…which was freakin hard… he never replied…
He just now posted pictures of me and pics that I have taken during that week, just like if nothing happened.

What did I do wrong…? Did I really get everything wrong about him, why can’t he just be friends with me or at least tell me the truth? Its just really confusing, because I never implied i want something serious, i just said that i like him and that I didn’t want to say that I don’t know when in life I am gonna see him again.

I don’t get it…

maybe you guys have some insight? ( sorry for the small novel… )
ps: he is taiwanese, for those who didn’t notice…

2

Hi!! :slight_smile: Welcome. Yours is such a cute post! Sometimes, its best to take a back seat and see where the relationship goes. Cool off a bit, see if he contacts you and how??? It will also give you time to reflect and react calmly.

3

thanks…sorry for the typing mistakes, i am a bit of a impatient person, not just when it comes to figuringout relationships between asian men and european women…hehe

4

That was a long post and was a bit confusing but I think maybe the problem isn’t so much european-asian as female-male. Maybe he felt you were trying to push for a relationship and he didn’t want to deal with that or felt commit-phobic. I mean, mixed signals happen no matter the race. But I’m kinda interested where this ends up. :popcorn:

5

ahhem yep, confused describes it…

i never said i want a serious relationship though…i just said i like him, theres a difference that even guys notice, is there?

6

You always get in trouble falling in love with your heart. Follow your head !! :slight_smile: (we have all been there tho)

But each relationship is special and there are many possibles here. Just enjoy the ride, because it sounds like if you get more involved with him, this is just the first spiral on that rollercoaster.

He’s intense, emotional, insecure, wild, impulsive, exciting and thats why you like him. And thats also why hes probably all wrong for you. Can you handle him? Are you up to the challenge? I sense a wild ride if you follow this tiger.

Make sure you got your tigress skills sharpened and bought plenty of insurance for your heart .

Cupid’s done shot you with an arrow.

Course at this point he may have exited stage left already and if so? Well you had a fun time so far already right?

7

Maybe he already has a girlfriend hehe :laughing:
Or he can simply be gay…
You sleeping over gets him his family off his back again for some time…

The part I don’t get is:

You confuse me as much as he does you.
So many drama queens everywhere…

For some odd reason people in/from Europe always think that Asians (in general) “don’t show their emotions” and “don’t want to loose face”. Man, Taiwan is a big surprise for them. I have never seen so much cry tv on my television as here, never met so many drama queens as in Taipei and never heard so many screaming loud fights from various neighbours in the street as where I live now. No wonder half of Taiwan is depressed.

My advise? Move on and don’t think too much. Tons of guys out there.
:bow:

8

Look, you stated the reason that he is doing this in your original post already. That he is emotionally unstable. You just don’t want to face the facts. You want to say that he’s just sensitive and needs a bit of tenderness and understanding.

You say to yourself:

Yeah, sure. I’m sure he felt the same way too. At the time. When you’re in mood swing central, you can love someone and hate them the next moment no problem. And then they’re your favorite person again in a day!

You were too easy. When it’s so obvious that you adore him so utterly and completely, there’s no need for him to pursue you. So why should he? Why are you blaming yourself? DID you do something wrong? If not, then why are you even writing this? So I can tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong, that it’s all his fault for being a poo poo head?

He would, but he’s fucked up. And he’s Taiwanese. There’s none of that “let’s just be friends” or being frank stuff. What does he gain out of being your “friend”? MSN chats? You’re like a thousand miles away.

Really? Or do you just not want to accept it? That he might not be the magical man of your dreams that you want him to be? Do you still want him if he has major behavioral problems which may take years to undo? Or perhaps always exist? Cause I can guarantee that if you two were in the same city and became BF/GF, you would have power struggles over tons of stuff that will make you come on the forum to ask “What did I do wrong…?” again and again. That’s what ignoring you is all about. He retains his sense of power and security by keeping the ball in his court.

If you are interested in him, then stop deluding yourself by thinking that he’s so poor and no one understands him. 99 out of every 100 Taiwanese people have some sort of crappy family story to tell, have a ton of self-confidence problems, etc. Hell, 99% of all people do. Even the successful looking ones. You just don’t see it cause they don’t let you come near enough. Old people are exceptions I guess cause they can be chill or maybe they just don’t give a crap anymore.

Don’t fall into the trap of being manipulated just because you feel a real “connection” and a close bond because he “opened his heart up to you”. How could you say no or act in a reasonable manner when he’s such a sad little boy who clearly needs your love, right?

Anyhow, he doesn’t hate you if he’s put up pics of you and not blocked you from facebook. He just doesn’t know what to do/is considering and deciding on a course of action/too frustrated by his life to find time and energy to even say hi/wants to make you a little anxious first/is wondering just how much you like him and what lengths you are willing to go through. The worst thing you can do is hound him incessantly and think about crap like OMG where did i go wrong? That just suggests you’re crazy. No one wants to associate with someone who’s crazy. Next time don’t declare eternal dedication to someone you’ve really only spent a week with.

It’s not like he doesn’t have your contact details. If you two really shared a mutual connection, then it’ll bug him when you don’t make contact anymore, and he will take some sort of action. Which is what you want, right?

Though it sounds like a shittyass idea for you two to be in any sort of relationship. Like Franz said, that’s two too many drama queens in a relationship.

9

first, thanks for the insight, second I am not as much drama as the post may imply. I am just in a confused state because i like him and ( surprise care about him). Thats what most people get wrong. I don’t want any kind of romantic relationship, because, as everyone already said, it is near to impossible to have one. I met someone special, is that so hard to understand? I had a great time there and I just don’t want to lose him as a part of my life. That has nothing to do with drama or him beeing the perfect man of my dreams. If he doesn’t want to be friends I have to accept that, I just would have loved to know why. Since he never answered my email, i didn’t contact him either.

I don’t think him not answering has anything to do with losing his face or something like that. But still, Chinese are very holding back when it comes to saying what they really feel and opening up, at least thats my experience. It takes them a while.

I’ll see how the story goes on, maybe I’ll see him again in 2 years…; D

10

From my experience they are just plain boring and it has nothing to do with holding back. So I wouldn’t expect anything.
Whatever you do is up to yourself. If you “want” something from him just contact him, don’t wait.

11

i have to second that. you’d never know the truth if you dont try.

12

I have to second that. you’d never know the truth if you dont try.[/quote]

I don’t know. To me it sounds like she came off a little strong and scared him away. If she continues to pester him then he’ll totally be against any future meetings. I agree with divea’s advice and step back from the situation and try and look at it calmly.

It’s hard to be rational when you’re in love…but why exactly did you fall in love? Is this guy amazing or could it possibly be that you were intoxicated with romance in a foreign land? (Happens to the best of us.)

Personally, I don’t think there was anything lost in translation when you proposed a Beijing rendezvous.

13

If this happened in your home country, would you be asking these questions? Come on! Welcome to “Players International”. Get him out of your life. He is using you and you should see it. If not, then it is more than a plutonic relationship that you are looking for. IMHO

14

@engerim: don’t you think that’s a little too generalizing? I have chinese and korean friends and they’re far from beeing plain or boring. It just takes them a while to open up, that doesn’t mean they don’t trust you as a friend, its just not they’re culture to wear their heart on their sleaves.
@rocky racoon: as i tried to explain earlier, I am not in Love with him, that has its reason, which I won’t explain here. We got very close, yes. For me this was a very special experience and he is very special to me. Not just because he is foreign ( i think in Beijing are more than enough men that got the “exotic” factor why go to Taiwan for that) i just connected with someone, beyond the usual romantic feelings.
@Yes off course, I mean people are people. There may be players out there big time, and I’ve gotten to know them, but he is definitely not one of them, trust me, I would’ve noticed :wink: …He is definitly a flirt…but a player, nah…

I think I came off to your strong as someone already said and scared him off. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, it just shows that hes probably not ready to face confrontation and stand up for himself. I need to accept that and move on. Let it be

…but he’ll be in my mind…

15

Sometimes, folks get confused with the written word sentiments. In that, they take what one writes far too heavily. I would try a few phone calls, and while that’s not the best medium as reading body & eye language, the tone of voice and choice of diction can much reveal.
Above all, do not dwell on matters of the heavy heart. Think tactically, keep one’s options open, and do not box in oneself. Always keep room to maneuver.
Good luck, and chin up!

16

Another heartache, another failed romance. Too much love will kill you, everytime

17

[quote=“TheGingerMan”]Sometimes, folks get confused with the written word sentiments. In that, they take what one writes far too heavily. I would try a few phone calls, and while that’s not the best medium as reading body & eye language, the tone of voice and choice of diction can much reveal.
Above all, do not dwell on matters of the heavy heart. Think tactically, keep one’s options open, and do not box in oneself. Always keep room to maneuver.
Good luck, and chin up![/quote]

couldn’t agree more!

18

[quote=“tinster”][quote=“TheGingerMan”]Sometimes, folks get confused with the written word sentiments. In that, they take what one writes far too heavily. I would try a few phone calls, and while that’s not the best medium as reading body & eye language, the tone of voice and choice of diction can much reveal.
Above all, do not dwell on matters of the heavy heart. Think tactically, keep one’s options open, and do not box in oneself. Always keep room to maneuver.
Good luck, and chin up![/quote]

couldn’t agree more![/quote]

Best advice. It’s so easy to be confused and uncertain about written words, especially when the person that wrote them is confused and uncertain themselves.

19

Hmm can anyone else here say “Direct flights”?

20

out of the blue he asks me today: how have you been? After a month of ignoring me, he asks how I’ve been, kind of ironic…