Cross-cultural Marriages

I’m in a relationship with a Taiwanese guy since 2 and a half years now, we met in Taiwan and lived together for half a year in the beginning and since then whenever I’m in Taiwan, which is about every 6 months for 1-3 months. Apart from that, we’re having a long distance relationship.

I found out, that I’m much more tolerant, than if he would have grown up in the same culture. Differences of opinions either political or personal are not such a big problem. Even though I regret, that my Chinese is not good enough when it comes to discussions or arguments… :?

Anyways…the thing I am afraid of most, is the day he tells his familiy that I’m a foreigner and not a Taiwanese girl, who studies abroad, which is what he lets them believe until now… :blush:
Weither I meet his parents now or a day before our wedding doesn’t really bother me, but I’m afraid, that they will not like the fact, that I’m a adoua. His Mom seems to be really nice, she cooks for us and tells him to come home and get it. His parents invited me for dinner every time I’m in Taiwan, but he always rejects their invitation. He says, he wants to stay out of possible trouble as long as he can. Understandable I think. He’s not very close with his parents, but I would rather want them to like me and not live in a situation like housecat…

I’ve been married for almost 4 years (yikes!). When we were dating my mother in law hated me. She thought I was just here for boozing and sex. When we got married the in-laws didn’t come to the wedding party in Taiwan. They, in fact, never got to know me before we were married. They never invited me to there house. It wasn’t until we had our baby in the west, and the mother-in-law came to help out that things changed. They saw me getting up at 6:30 and going to work until 6pm. After that things have been okay. Now that we’re preparing to open a business here and hopefully make some money things are better. At least they are not a bother on our marriage. They could have been a really huge pain in the ass.

As for cultural differences in the marriage you will find that if you can make it through the first year or so, and both sides are flexible these differences will disappear. You will develop your own style that will probably not please either of your families! In fact, most uni-cultural marriages end because of bad communication. Perhaps this is because both sides make assumptions that are later proved incorrect. Marrying someone from another culture is good in this sense, because everything must be explained since you can’t assume anything. Also when you argue, you can chalk a lot of things up to culture problems, and not spousal problems.

As for money, we have always agreed on what where and how to spend our money. I give most of it to my wife since she takes care of all our expenses anyways. I keep a bit for myself, and everybody seems to be okay with that. I like to save, and so does she. Therefore no money problems to speak of, but I’m not a control freak.

Thanks to all three of you for posting, I appreciate it.

Some of my experiences were disturbingly similar to mfaas, especially in regards to the in-laws lack of faith in westerners and disapproval of the relationship. It was only after the birth of our child that my in-laws took any kind of interest in their daughter’s marriage. After the birth they wanted say in everything.

Where I differ ever so slightly with mfaas is the problem of communication. If one spouse is saying one thing and then the parents of the other spouse has his/her parents saying the opposite the potential for disaster is obvious. Communication, by itself, doesn’t always work. There must be some action to follow up and if all the action is following the “advice” of the in-laws then trouble is inevitable.

For my money, housecat is definitely doing the right thing by her marriage by removing the (potentially destructive) influence of the in-laws. I hope her husband’s understanding attitude continues. Unfortunately, children bring new pressures (as well as many new pleasures) and as time drags on keeping grandchildren away from their grandparents is a tough thing to do.

Good luck to all of you!

after 11 years of happy cross-cultural marriage, more positive comments below :slight_smile:

tough question. nothing comes to mind readily except silly superstitions, but i can’t think of any that were annoying or adhered to enough to be a real problem. i’ve been blessed that my wife’s family while very traditional taiwanese is also very big-hearted and straightforward, i haven’t experienced many of the in-law difficulties mentioned above. the initial meetings weren’t a cup of tea–their main concerns were their daughter being swept away overseas not to be seen again and the high rate of divorce in crosscultural marriages. we got over this pretty quickly. it helped that my wife while very traditional in many ways has never been the type to listen to whatever mom and dad say. i tried learning some taiwanese asap (they don’t speak any mandarin) and this helped a lot. i can also now bullshit in taiwanese with taxi drivers, a nice side-benefit :slight_smile:

[quote][ul][li]What are the biggest cultural differences you found in your marriage? [/li]
[li]What are the hardest things to accept or get used to?[/li]
[li]What were you not prepared to sacrifice when you got married? [/li]
[li]What are the biggest compromises you have had to make? [/li]
[li]What things has your spouse compromised on / failed to compromise on?[/li][/ul][/quote]

many minor things but nothing that couldn’t be worked out without some communication, which i agree is very important. language difficulties can be a big stumbling block here. fortunately this was never a big problem for us. there has to be some acceptance and give and take on both sides. you have to be able to give on things that have some sense behind them and are not intolerable while not bending on things that are really unacceptable to you and will always be a thorn in your side. understanding the local culture and the motivation behind seeming nonsense will really help too.

[quote]Which language do you use for normal, daily communication?
And then which language do you use when arguments/fights erupt?[/quote]

Mandarin, mandarin–sometimes a well chosen sentence of english :slight_smile:

a lot

without thinking for half a second

one i asked was “will you go back to the states with me?” i got a yes–with a condition of staying in Taiwan at least 2 years–but it took some long thinking on my wife’s part. that was 11 years ago, now she always bugs me to move back :slight_smile: we take the kids back every year, that’s about the minimum i could do and stay sane, that’s a rough one bq about the grandfather.

[quote]What single best piece of advice can you give to:
(a) the foreign partner contemplating a mixed marriage, and
(b) the Taiwanese partner contemplating a mixed marriage[/quote]

in any marriage trust is everything, keep it. for the cross-cultural bit hey give a bit, too much “our way is right” will have negative consequences down the road, of course your partner will have to give too.