Mr. Burns: Allow me to throw out my legs and pollute my britches with delight!
Homer: There are two ways of doing things - the wrong way and the Homer way
Bart: Aren’t they the same?
Homer: Yes, but faster.
Dear Edna,
Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won’t quit. Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while I gapped my spark plugs.
Fooled ya Flanders! Made you think your family was dead!
And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.
“My eyes!!! The goggles do nothing!”
George Harrison: It’s been done.
Mein bratwurst has a first name, it’s F-R-I-T-Z. Mein bratwurst has a second name, it’s S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N… (voice trails off)
Oh my GOD! Where’d you get that brownie!?
Nelson: I didn’t think he was going to do Moon River, but BAM! Second encore!
At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause] It’s in “Revelations”, people!
CONTESTANT: I’ll take Rainier Wolfcastle to block.
BROCKMAN: Rainier Wolfcastle - star of McBain and his new upcoming movie ‘Help! My Son Is A Nerd!’
WOLFCASTLE: My son returns from a fancy east coast college, and I’m horrified to find he has become a nerd.
BROCKMAN: Haha, I’m laughing already!
WOLFCASTLE: It’s not a comedy.
BROCKMAN: … Oh.
Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking grave] I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! “Leaves of Grass”, my ass!
“Gambling is the finest thing a person can do – if he’s good at it.”
Roman numeral three: surprise boy in bed… [sips his tea] …and, er, disembowel him! No, I don’t like that “bowel” in there. [erases it] Gut him! Ah, le mot juste.
You don’t win friends with salad. You don’t win friends with salad. You don’t win friends with salad.
Marge: I’ve got amnesia and I’ve got three kids.
Her date: Wow! My first thought is respect, both for mental illness and your ability to get back into shape. My second thought is goodbye.
Fortune Cookie Writer: I once wrote “Let your frown be your umbrella” they changed it to “smile.” A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!
RALPH: My cat’s breath smells like cat food
What’s the punishment for repeats?? 
The following tale of alien encounters is true, and by true I mean false.
It’s all lies, but they’re entertaining lies, and in the end isn’t that the real truth?
The answer…is no.
Homer: There are three ways to do something. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Lisa: Isn’t the Max Power way the wrong way?
Homer: Yes, but faster.
Lisa: How are they Ralph?
Ralph: Rolling on the ground in pain Ahhh!! They taste like burning!!
Bart: Hey! So, does this mean I’m going to grow up to be a failure.
Homer: Yes, son. A spectacular failure.
The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
— Dr. Nick Riviera
We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere.
Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heal for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumble bees on them. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say.
Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war, the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…
Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn’t it say, “Die Bart, Die?”
Sideshow Bob: No, that’s German for “The Bart, the.”
Juror: No one who speaks German can be an evil man!