Dating on the Mainland

Hi,

I’m moving to Chengdu to attend Sichuan University in the fall and wanted to know if anyone knew about the dating scene there. I’m an American girl and I like dating Asian men but am not dead set on it. I just wanted to get a feel for what the dating scene was like in that area.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:

[quote=“美佳(Meka)”]Hi,

I’m moving to Chengdu to attend Sichuan University in the fall and wanted to know if anyone knew about the dating scene there. I’m an American girl and I like dating Asian men but am not dead set on it. I just wanted to get a feel for what the dating scene was like in that area.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:[/quote]
Sneakin’ around… that’s considered normal. Do what you want. Don’t ask, don’t tell. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and you’ll be fine, everybody’s happy… especially the love hotel proprietors!

[quote=“usrabbit”][quote=“美佳(Meka)”]Hi,

I’m moving to Chengdu to attend Sichuan University in the fall and wanted to know if anyone knew about the dating scene there. I’m an American girl and I like dating Asian men but am not dead set on it. I just wanted to get a feel for what the dating scene was like in that area.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:[/quote]
Sneakin’ around… that’s considered normal. Do what you want. Don’t ask, don’t tell. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and you’ll be fine, everybody’s happy… especially the love hotel proprietors![/quote]

:unamused: The OP asked about dating, not how easy is it to get laid.

No idea about this particular area, and girls dating. My friend went to some deep China (like far away from Beijing, when white people are not so common).
He got a girl, he fell in love, but she broke up with him because she doesn’t want to leave China. He went back crying to China to get her back, works as Italian waiter, even though he speaks as much Italian as Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds :slight_smile: Well, he generally like it there, so maybe it won’t be bad. Good luck!

[quote=“the bear”][quote=“usrabbit”]
Sneakin’ around… that’s considered normal. Do what you want. Don’t ask, don’t tell. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and you’ll be fine, everybody’s happy… especially the love hotel proprietors![/quote]

:unamused: The OP asked about dating, not how easy is it to get laid.[/quote]
OK, I’ll translate for you.

If you (let’s say, a woman, like the OP) are DATING someone (let’s say, a local guy) in Chengdu, it’s relatively common that the guy might be married, or have a steady girlfriend, or is otherwise involved (such as having several concurrent DATING partners), so his intention in DATING you is to sleep around. And, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You can play this game in your DATING life as well (although women might be expected to be more discreet than men). In Chengdu, the prevailing attitude is that this is normal (unless you’re DATING virgins, that could be a whole nother ballgame), noticeably more than in Western cultures. For example, if a married guy is DATING you, it’s not unusual that he will take you to hang out with his friends without worrying that his friends will tell his wife that he is DATING. The only widely-held rule seems to be that you do not explicitly inform your primary partner (wife, husband, or gf/bf with marriage intentions) about your extra-curricular DATING. Oh, and friends don’t rat on friends. Just be aware of that, play by the rules, and everything will be OK. (Not that the above “always” happens in DATING… just that when it does, know that these things are regarded as normal, and maybe even expected, there.)

Comprende? Notice the word DATING in the above.

End of English lesson.

Now, if you have some knowledge or experience of DATING in Chengdu, please share.

[quote=“usrabbit”][quote=“the bear”][quote=“usrabbit”]
Sneakin’ around… that’s considered normal. Do what you want. Don’t ask, don’t tell. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and you’ll be fine, everybody’s happy… especially the love hotel proprietors![/quote]

:unamused: The OP asked about dating, not how easy is it to get laid.[/quote]
OK, I’ll translate for you.

If you (let’s say, a woman, like the OP) are DATING someone (let’s say, a local guy) in Chengdu, it’s relatively common that the guy might be married, or have a steady girlfriend, or is otherwise involved (such as having several concurrent DATING partners), so his intention in DATING you is to sleep around. And, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You can play this game in your DATING life as well (although women might be expected to be more discreet than men). In Chengdu, the prevailing attitude is that this is normal (unless you’re DATING virgins, that could be a whole nother ballgame), noticeably more than in Western cultures. For example, if a married guy is DATING you, it’s not unusual that he will take you to hang out with his friends without worrying that his friends will tell his wife that he is DATING. The only widely-held rule seems to be that you do not explicitly inform your primary partner (wife, husband, or gf/bf with marriage intentions) about your extra-curricular DATING. Oh, and friends don’t rat on friends. Just be aware of that, play by the rules, and everything will be OK. (Not that the above “always” happens in DATING… just that when it does, know that these things are regarded as normal, and maybe even expected, there.)

Comprende? Notice the word DATING in the above.

End of English lesson.

Now, if you have some knowledge or experience of DATING in Chengdu, please share.[/quote]

That sounds awful :astonished: You think this is only true for Chengdu or the whole Mainland?

[quote=“mukashi”]
That sounds awful :astonished: You think this is only true for Chengdu or the whole Mainland?[/quote]
Based on limited experience, I’d say it’s true of the Mainland to some degree, but somehow more obviously in Chengdu. There’s a saying within China, something like “a young man should not go to Chengdu”, perhaps because of the temptations, i.e., young women, but those women expect to be “treated well”, and a younger man might not be established enough financially to handle it (or that’s my interpretation anyway).

Whether it’s awful or not is a matter of perspective. A lot of married couples there have separate social lives. Getting married and raising kids is an obligation to ones own parents, and many see it as a partnership for that purpose. The Western view seems more black-and-white, that your spouse is some kind of be-all-end-all, and if there’s ever a suspicion of an affair, you have to investigate them, divorce them, hate them, and destroy your kids’ lives. To some, that could sound awful as well.

actually my uni is in Chengdu and that’s not ture Mainland guy here is so submissive or close to familu . just depends on person and Chengdu is famous for its food and really good place to relax .
Meka do u still live in Taipei now?

What’s “not ture”?

Perhaps you forgot a few things: (1) There’s no contradiction between being a good family man and also having certain outside activities. (2) If you’re a woman, not a lot of men will share that much detail with you, so that’s why you wouldn’t know much about it. (3) If you’re in university, then probably most guys you know are the “virginal” ones I already mentioned (who haven’t adopted those behaviors or attitudes yet… but did you notice the university girls getting picked up in expensive black cars on the weekend at the university gate? Ask them who their “boyfriend” is! They dress sexy so it ain’t their dad!). (4) I didn’t say all Chengdu men are like that, just that the behavior and attitude are noticeably more common there than in the US. If you think it’s less than in the US, then you are basing that on your experience of living in both places? How many years?

I don’t think any of this is necessarily bad. It’s just a cultural difference. I agree with you that Chengdu has a “relaxed” atmosphere, and maybe this is one of the reasons. Maybe in their way of thinking, people’s needs are more important than forcing strict conformity to the rules. Being from the US (where we are concerned about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), I can see the merits in that view. But it’s not for everyone (not even everyone in Chengdu… remember, I said only “some” Chengdu people are like that). Cheers…

My friend was there for 3 years in mid-2000. She’s a white American. She said that the cultural gap was so huge that she couldn’t really befriend with the locals. She didn’t really meet anyone local, friend or love interests. Then she met her husband, a Brit, and married later. They love food there though. I suggest you try the local guys and it they don’t work, look for expat community. My friend said since there were so few women in the area, she was quite popular within the community.

[quote=“usrabbit”][quote=“the bear”][quote=“usrabbit”]
Sneakin’ around… that’s considered normal. Do what you want. Don’t ask, don’t tell. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, and you’ll be fine, everybody’s happy… especially the love hotel proprietors![/quote]

:unamused: The OP asked about dating, not how easy is it to get laid.[/quote]
OK, I’ll translate for you.

If you (let’s say, a woman, like the OP) are DATING someone (let’s say, a local guy) in Chengdu, it’s relatively common that the guy might be married, or have a steady girlfriend, or is otherwise involved (such as having several concurrent DATING partners), so his intention in DATING you is to sleep around. And, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You can play this game in your DATING life as well (although women might be expected to be more discreet than men). In Chengdu, the prevailing attitude is that this is normal (unless you’re DATING virgins, that could be a whole nother ballgame), noticeably more than in Western cultures. For example, if a married guy is DATING you, it’s not unusual that he will take you to hang out with his friends without worrying that his friends will tell his wife that he is DATING. The only widely-held rule seems to be that you do not explicitly inform your primary partner (wife, husband, or gf/bf with marriage intentions) about your extra-curricular DATING. Oh, and friends don’t rat on friends. Just be aware of that, play by the rules, and everything will be OK. (Not that the above “always” happens in DATING… just that when it does, know that these things are regarded as normal, and maybe even expected, there.)

Comprende? Notice the word DATING in the above.

End of English lesson.

Now, if you have some knowledge or experience of DATING in Chengdu, please share.[/quote]

I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’ve had girlfriends in Chengdu and my experiences do not resemble whatever nonsense you’re on about in the least. You seem to be suggesting that all relations between the sexes in Chengdu take place in some subterranean word of subterfuge and counter-subterfuge. Maybe that’s the world you move in. I don’t.

I may have misread, but I think usrabbit was simply pointing out that “dating” is just a silly euphemism for “having sex”. It may or may not involve subterfuge and complex shenanigans.

Can’t comment on Chengdu but I’d say that the idea of don’t ask, don’t tell is coming universal in ALL parts of the world. :bow:

My rule of thumb: Don’t date communists. You can interpret that narrowly–i.e., don’t date members of the party–or broadly, i.e., don’t date anyone who grew up in a communist country. Seriously, growing up in that environment really screws a person up. Without religion or any real social morality, they have nothing to believe in but financial success, and most of them will not hesitate to achieve that through unscrupulous means because that’s what everyone else does.

Besides, do you really want to date someone who speaks with a Chinese accent and writes those godawful simplified characters?

And yet many other people in the world may say to never date someone who actually believes in the invisible man in the sky… To each his own :sunglasses:

[quote=“the bear”]
I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’ve had girlfriends in Chengdu and my experiences do not resemble whatever nonsense you’re on about in the least. You seem to be suggesting that all relations between the sexes in Chengdu take place in some subterranean word of subterfuge and counter-subterfuge.[/quote]

Nope… never said “all”, or even imply it. My post only said that those behaviors and attitudes are “noticeably more than in Western cultures.” Did you read it? I clarified that more explicitly in a subsequent post (and perhaps I should have said “US” instead of “Western cultures” since that is my base of experience). Also, the “subterfuge” thing sounds like an extreme interpretation of what I said. People do what they do, and one way of life is not necessarily more “awful” than another (as I clarified earlier).

Let’s take a poll. This is for those who have lived both in Chengdu and the US for more than 2 years each, and had a variety of local friends (young working adults, middle aged, male, female, married, single, educated, not educated, drinkers, non-drinkers, academics, businessmen, etc.), and knew some of them well enough to know what’s going on in their personal lives (or at least hear some of their “gossip”). The question is, did you notice, know about, see, or hear about more “cheating” (extra-marital sex, or extra-relationship sex) in Chengdu than in the US?

(A) Way more in Chengdu, I was surprised or shocked by it.
(B) Noticeably more in Chengdu.
(C) Not noticeably more in Chengdu, seemed the same or less than the US.

(Or we can say “Mainland” rather than “Chengdu”, similar results I think.)

My answer is (A). It’s just what I saw. Most foreigners I met there had a similar impression ((A) or (B)). If your answer is (C), then obviously your experience disagrees with mine, and I think yours is a minority view. No matter, I have no problem with you having a different observation. You seem to have a problem with mine.

I tended to move among people from all walks of life (as alluded to above). For people who didn’t do that (e.g., socialized mainly within the confines of academia, and not so much among, say, businessmen or government officials), I can see how you’d get a different view.

Suggestion: Don’t get so upset when someone’s experiences and observations differ from yours. Diversity is part of the beauty of life.

I’m non-religious, and I would say a large portion of Taiwanese people who go through the motions of 拜拜ing don’t really follow the religion or legitimately believe that Guan Gong is up in heaven watching over them. And yet we’ve turned out fine.

Go to Shanghai or Beijing and you’ll find there is no shortage of intellectuals. Then take a closer look at Taiwan and tell me how many people here fit the description of “communist” you just put out.

I’m non-religious, and I would say a large portion of Taiwanese people who go through the motions of 拜拜ing don’t really follow the religion or legitimately believe that Guan Gong is up in heaven watching over them. And yet we’ve turned out fine.[/quote]
Dude, you totally left out the social morality part: I said without religion OR any kind of social morality. I know plenty of atheists who still follow a moral code. I’m not saying a society needs to be religious. But communism gets rid of religion and replaces it with Marxism, which becomes the all-encompassing moral code of the society even though few people (if any) actually follow it. In that kind of hypocritical environment, people become selfish and cynical in order to survive. It’s bad to get rid of religion AND morality. Obviously religion is a major source of morality, but it’s not the only one. Don’t twist my words to mean that everyone needs religion.

What does being intellectual have to do with anything? Are intellectuals somehow inherently moral, immune to the lust for wealth? There’s nothing wrong with success, and of course I know that there are people in Taiwan (like in every other capitalist country) who’ll break the rules to get ahead. But good luck getting me to believe that the average businessperson in China is more ethical than the average businessperson here.

Fair enough, although Buddhists don’t believe in God at all. Still, I wouldn’t want to date someone who lies and cheats to get ahead any more than I’d want to date a Jesus freak. Pointing your finger at one doesn’t make the other OK.

Jeez, you “non-religious” people are awfully sensitive about your non-belief. Chill out–I wasn’t attacking you.

I’m non-religious, and I would say a large portion of Taiwanese people who go through the motions of 拜拜ing don’t really follow the religion or legitimately believe that Guan Gong is up in heaven watching over them. And yet we’ve turned out fine.[/quote]
Dude, you totally left out the social morality part: I said without religion OR any kind of social morality. I know plenty of atheists who still follow a moral code. I’m not saying a society needs to be religious. But communism gets rid of religion and replaces it with Marxism, which becomes the all-encompassing moral code of the society even though few people (if any) actually follow it. In that kind of hypocritical environment, people become selfish and cynical in order to survive. It’s bad to get rid of religion AND morality. Obviously religion is a major source of morality, but it’s not the only one. Don’t twist my words to mean that everyone needs religion.

What does being intellectual have to do with anything? Are intellectuals somehow inherently moral, immune to the lust for wealth? There’s nothing wrong with success, and of course I know that there are people in Taiwan (like in every other capitalist country) who’ll break the rules to get ahead. But good luck getting me to believe that the average businessperson in China is more ethical than the average businessperson here.

Fair enough, although Buddhists don’t believe in God at all. Still, I wouldn’t want to date someone who lies and cheats to get ahead any more than I’d want to date a Jesus freak. Pointing your finger at one doesn’t make the other OK.

Jeez, you “non-religious” people are awfully sensitive about your non-belief. Chill out–I wasn’t attacking you.[/quote]
+1

“Do you have a girlfriend?” -no- “Do you want one?”

That is how people ask someone out on the mainland. They are indirect about it. Now my experience is from northern mainland china where they tend to be less direct and more traditional.

You have to learn to read between the lines and understand what they mean to say. Often the meaning is carried across several sentences (like each conversation is a scripted ritual).