i’m just wondering if there are any long distance dads out there and how you feel about it. can we lose our children this way? i try hard to keep up our realtionship . it’s hard to overcome your ex-SO’s family’s tactics, if you know what i mean.
Not easy. I did it for a year: SO and I are happily married, but three years ago she had to bring our boy back to tw from the uk. I came here to join them two years ago.
He forgot all his English for a start. So when I came back I waas reduced to speaking Chinese to my own son! His teeth had started to rot and he hadn’t really been eating anything nutritious. He’d got used to sitting in front of the telly for hours on end, he’d really become quite rude, and formal bedtimes had gone out of the window. It was incredibly hard for my wife, as a working single parent, but she bravely resisted all attempts to have him shunted off down south for the grandparents to “dai”.
Now, thankfully, we’re back on track.
You’re divorced and not planning to return to tw to live? The distance alone makes it difficult for you to contribute, and this is compounded by cultural issues. You sure got my sympathy.
Does the kid have a western nationality? Could he/she spend summers with you? Probably tricky unless you’re a teacher wherever you are…
And probably the rellies would worry the kiddy wouldn’t come back one summer. Not that I’d be one to put ideas in you head…
A few ideas for you:
-Call at a set time each week so that they have something to count on. If you can install a web-cam (they are cheap) on both ends, all the better.
-E-mail or write them as often as you can. Kids like photos, trinkets, anything that represents the country you live in. Send some in the mail or photos via e-mail every few weeks.
-Go back for two week visits at least once every six months, if you can manage it.
-Never forget a birthday or an ocassion. Amazon.com allows many gift choices.
-Don’t let your own insecurities about being an inadequate dad impact your relationship with them. You’re their dad, and you’re living abroad for certain reasons. There is no need to apologize. Let them know that they are always on your mind, and then prove it by consistently calling and writing.
-Don’t make promises (e.g. I’ll be back home in two years) you can’t keep.
-Stop feeling guilty. A useless emotion, at least beyond the stage where you recognize behavior you’d like to change. Just skip over the whole “I’m a bad person” part.
-Roll with the punches. If you call at the set time, and they aren’t home, leave a nice message and call back the next day. Don’t get pissed off–it does no good. Be firm when you have to, but you shouldn’t have to very often.
If you’re dealing with ex-spousal conflicts, do everything in your power to keep the peace. If you haven’t been doing much via contact with the kids, ramp up slowly by discussing what you’d like to do with your ex, and then following through to the letter (for the kids, not the ex). Ramp up bit by bit, starting with calls, then adding e-mails and letters, then regular visits.
Send me a PM if you want more specific advice about dealing with ex-spousal issues. I’ve been through most of them, and things have worked out remarkably well thanks to a few techniques I learned from people wiser than me.