Hello,
I am rambling a bit here. I am partly putting thoughts on paper, thinking to myself and putting thoughts in order. However I would certainly encourage and welcome any advice! Some questions at the bottom.
Lily and I have been married for 9 years, are currently living in New Zealand, and are separating. We have a son, John, who is 8 years old.
We are separating for a number of reasons. One is personal issues with each other’s personalities, which I believe to be minor. Another is Lily’s health issues, some of which seem to disappear when she returns to Taiwan, and anyway she feels TW doctors are far superior to NZ ones - and certainly, medical care in TW is much cheaper than in NZ. Thus she has elected to suffer rather than seek treatment. A third reason, and possibly the biggest, is that she doesn’t want to be here. In 3 years in NZ, she has not bothered to learn English, learn to drive or apply for a job. I got her a job. She has also engaged in self-destructive behaviour, working 15 hours a day painting so she gets arthritis in her hands and can’t sleep. She slept with a guy at work, four weeks after spending a month in TW to improve our relationship.
We are still married, still living together, still (occasionally) sleeping together. In a weeks time Lily is returning to TW permanently. She was going to take John with her, out of convenience more than anything, as my plan is to fix my house up, sell it, relocate to a different part of the country and get a new job, while beekeeping on the odd weekend. Much easier without a kid in tow. She can stay with parents, work part time, taking care of John is easy. This would have the added advantages of him spending time with his TW family and relearning Chinese, which he has all but lost but should regain quickly in the right environment. She would take John for about six months to a year, until I get sorted. Ian’s ticket is booked and paid for.
Lily and I have a mutual agreement, undocumented but going back years, that NZ schooling is better and more relaxed than Taiwanese schooling, and that it would be better for Ian to live in NZ. We also agree that joint access to children is important, and neither of us are going to deny the other.
Over the past month Lily’s behaviour has been less than ideal, from my perspective. She has been refusing to go to family gatherings, her cooking has deteriorated, and she has been surrounding herself with her Asian girlfriends and shutting me out. Then I started hearing horror stories about TW custody, friends advising me that if she takes John back she can blame me and save face with her family, and then in a years time they will put pressure on her and I’ll have a hell of a job getting John back, as TW law favours locals and females over foreigners and men. Moreover it appears TW is not a signatory of the Hague Convention.
So I am reconsidering the wisdom of him going back.
On the one hand, we have an element of trust, and an agreement that we’re not going to deny access, and I think that’s important. I feel, we both feel, that regardless of whatever happens between Lily and I, he should have a good relationship with her and a good one with me, and should have good relations with both his Taiwanese and kiwi families. That’s important. I’m pretty sure that she would send him back in a year. And as soon as I say “No, you can’t take John,” that changes. I’d rather not smash that, out of fear, out of “maybe, she could…” etc etc when she hasn’t actually done anything. On the other hand, why would I shoot myself in the foot, and make it so easy for her to backstab, claim custody, and then I’m fucked, descending into the dark nightmare world of foreign court custody battles? Why put myself in that position?
It seems to me that even if John went back six months later, it’s a different perspective: one is there’s a breakup and mum and kid come back saying Daddy was terrible, another is Mum leaves in disgrace after sleeping around, six months later child turns up on understanding he’s expected back later.
Legally, we are still married. We have no legal custody awards. Would I be advised to go to a solicitor and make a formal agreement with Lily regarding the custody of John? Would that carry weight in Taiwan? If we push for joint custody in NZ, would that carry weight in Taiwan? I have no idea how the system works, would I even be able to get custody in a week, assuming it’s mutually agreed and we’re not fighting each other for it?
Um, yeah. As I said, I’ve been rambling and trying to clear my head. Any advice, legal or otherwise would be very welcome.
Ragnar
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