I plant to propose to my girlfriend some time this year and I’d hope she can move in with me after I propose. She is from a pretty traditional family so, for example, she never would even ask if she can stay over at my house, it would not be allowed.
My friend says that when we get engaged she’ll be able to move in with me as that’ll kind of confirm that I’m totally serious about her (her parents know that already). Have any of you ever heard of this before? … basically > traditional family softens stance on shacking up after the couple get engaged?
depends on her family, although if they are traditional then they would oppose moving in until after marriage. Also note that more marriages suceed when the couple do not live together beforehand
also to note, is, do you really want to get married, or you just want to live together?
If you just want to live together save each other a bunch of stress and just ask her to move in, if she cant ask her family for that, then she obviously isnt ready to ask them for marriage either - the “my family is too traditional” can also be a smokescreen
touche, or maybe you’re a little “green”? I am guessing you are both relatively young and I would also ask how long you have been dating and how long you have been in taiwan.
if youre lonely, marriage will not be the solution, solve this problem first - this can multiply into a larger issue, ie, homesickness causing you to need to return home, but once married this is difficult and may cause you to feel trapped
also, from your OP, a marriage will not prove you are serious, solve this problem first, if the family do not think you are serious, then maybe this is projected upon them by your SO (hence why I used smokescreen).
As ab aside, if you are not happy to accept their traditions (which the OP implies), then you should consider how a 20-30 year marriage to that family will effect you in the long run. You will not change them by marrying their daughter, nor will you be a “white knight” riding in to save the princess from her “evil controlling father”.
am happy for you that you are ready to take this step, but it is not a step that should be taken lightly, nor is it the be all and end all of any relationship issues.
Cross cultural marriages and distance relationships (with your family/friends/nation) are difficult, I am just saying that more thought may need to be put in.
Is that a personal experience thing or is there some analysis to back that up? Are you referring to Taiwan-only or Taiwan-Westerner mix only, or is that in general?
I dated a girl here once, just in college, still living with parents, and her father still beat her - regularly - and she had to be home before midnight… and god forbid they found out she was getting the pipe laid into her, a machete was mentioned…
Wouldn’t be too surprised if muzharen’s girl she still needs permission, but he didn’t say anything about age…
Nah it’s a culture thing. There is noooo way I could stay over/out even with permission Somehow that is the hypocrisy we face in our culture. The parents won’t give permission and blessings to their daughters (and sons) to be out and do those things young people do at night…
We just did them in the day :roflmao: But seriously, I understand the culture.
Is that a personal experience thing or is there some analysis to back that up? Are you referring to Taiwan-only or Taiwan-Westerner mix only, or is that in general?
I would bet it’s very dependent on culture[/quote]
Well I was referring to stats I read a while back, but actually seems like they were debunked “recently” and actualy this “source” I just found is pretty much sayng “too complex to know”
[quote]
Nah it’s a culture thing. There is noooo way I could stay over/out even with permission Somehow that is the hypocrisy we face in our culture. The parents won’t give permission and blessings to their daughters (and sons) to be out and do those things young people do at night…
We just did them in the day :roflmao: But seriously, I understand the culture.[/quote]
[quote=“KaiXi333”]I don’t think the OP is much engaged in this thread anymore…
Either he got the info he needed or was scared away. [/quote]
I’m still here…I guess i am fishing for an answer from someone who actually experienced/heard of this ‘engagement then parents don’t mind you moving in together, especially if a wedding date is set’ kind of scenario.
I’m still hopeful of getting that, I got it eventually with my engagement ring price question, but i know i’ll have to read a few ‘this is the way it was with me so this is what you should do’ opinions. Those opinions are fine of course and can make interesting reading and a forum is a natural place for opinions, so I’m not complaining.
Here are some responses to some of the questions/comments that have appeared in the thread:
• I’m not green, I’ve been here 4 years and half our friends are married so we’re both about the right age/maturity level.
• I am not homesick and have never been, although I love visiting home.
• The family know that I am very serious, my relationship with them is excellent, as his her’s with my family.
• There is no ‘controlling father’, he’s a perfectly reasonable man who’s from a different generation than us.
• I am not taking this step lightly, I’ve been weighing up/planning all aspects of it for the past year.
• She is an adult in the top half of her twenties and doesn’t need permission to stay out, she can stay with her friends and I bet the parents suspect where she’s actually staying (sometimes) but that’s OK. When I took her home to my country the parents made no inquiries about where she would sleep for example, so its kinda like they suspect but don’t want to publicly acknowledge that their daughter is sexually active. Of course my mother organized a separate room for her in our house but that’s a whole other story…
Muzharen, your questions seem perfectly reasonable to me. What makes it hard for people to answer is every set of parents is different. I really think if you and your GF are serious about moving in together, the two of you should first discuss it to make sure you’re in agreement about it. Once you’ve done that, then you can talk to her parents about it together.
My wife’s parents are very traditional too, but they let us live together before marriage back in 2001 since they knew we were very committed to each other and were planning on getting married. Good luck!
The Taiwanese tend to refer to engaged couples as married already. She may refer to you as her husband after you’re engaged and before you’re marreid, and this may be what she’s talking about and why it would be more acceptable for her to move in with you then. The engagement is the commitment, the wedding is just the formality.
It might be really difficult for her to move in with you “publicly” if she still lives with parents in the same city. No matter how open-minded parents are, their “relatives” would “gossip”.
My sister got engaged and they lived in separate places until they got married. (they are both Taiwanese) You and your gf maybe could do some “unspoken” rules after engagement and after wedding date was set. (She stays over your places more often)
FYI, if she comes from a big/traditional family, they might ask you guys to get married sooner after you’re engaged.
[quote=“muzharen”][quote=“KaiXi333”]I don’t think the OP is much engaged in this thread anymore…
Either he got the info he needed or was scared away. [/quote]
I’m still here…I guess I am fishing for an answer from someone who actually experienced/heard of this ‘engagement then parents don’t mind you moving in together, especially if a wedding date is set’ kind of scenario.
I’m still hopeful of getting that, I got it eventually with my engagement ring price question, but I know I’ll have to read a few ‘this is the way it was with me so this is what you should do’ opinions. Those opinions are fine of course and can make interesting reading and a forum is a natural place for opinions, so I’m not complaining.
M[/quote]
My answer to your post:
I actually experienced it myself. I’m Taiwanese about to marrying a kiwi this month. My fiance proposed to me last April and I said yes. I moved in with him in June and my parents did not object to it because we are an engaged couple. I am sure my parents would not be happy if I were to move in before our engagement. I’d encourage you to go ahead and I wish you all the best to your future with your loved one.
My personal opinion challenging majority’s assumption on this thread:
Besides, even for someone like me who has lived abroad alone for over 10 years, right at the beginning of our committed relationship, I made it very clear to my fiance that I would not live with him if we were not engaged/married. And it has nothing to do with being traditional. I actually see it quite opposite…quite feminist and wise IMHO. Why would I want to take on a housewife-like role when I’m still a girlfriend? The same applies to the male. I can always find a housemate if I want to cut down my living cost. It takes time to mature and appreciate when taking on a new role in one’s life. Relationships tend to suffer and shatter if too many roles are taken all at once (eg. becoming a father at the same time being a boyfriend). In this context/issue, many relationships can be saved by not moving in together too soon.
It has nothing to do with morale or tranditional. It has more to do with observing and learning from human minds and behaviours. Sometimes there is wisdom behind what we assume as ‘traditional’ views from elderly people or different cultures. It all depends on how we interpret what we see and hear.
To the OP,
You do know that engagement here entails a ceremony, right? Simply saying yes to the question you popped and wearing a ring would probably not cut it with her family.
Somehow that is the hypocrisy we face in our culture. The parents won’t give permission and blessings to their daughters (and sons) to be out and do those things young people do at night…
Somehow that is the hypocrisy we face in our culture. The parents won’t give permission and blessings to their daughters (and sons) to be out and do those things young people do at night…
