Expat Marriage Issues

Yeah, she has not been willing to compromise at all, which is the hardest part. I always try to envision staying together for our daughter at least until she is around university level, but recently I have been reconsidering, as this is making me reflect. It makes me reflect on all of the times I thought about our relationship in the past, but that it has not gotten better, only worse.

For my daughter, she has been supportive of the move to the US, but she also has a special connection to my wife, so it will be hard to say right now where she wants to live.

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have you tried online video marriage therapists that specializes on CBT treatment using kajin health or some other platforms?

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For the sake of your mental health and happiness a divorce would be the best route. Your daughter can always stay with her mom in Taiwan while you move to the states. You can always travel to visit her. She can try living with you later if she wants to. If your wife doesn’t even care about you and respect you as her husband anymore no use of staying to be the peacemaker for your daughter’s benefit. You can have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about how you feel and what you want to do. Sometimes children are more understanding and perceptive than we give them credit for.

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My factory is mostly Cantonese, and so I hear a blend of Cantonese, Mandarin, and Taiwanese at home which makes it incredibly confusing. Although I have studied so many hrs (and continue to have a teacher), I think I have become exhausted as an expat living here for 15 years.

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I appreciate your comments. I like the idea of taking the responsibility for myself and my daughter and what I can control into my own hands and making a plan. I tend to overthink things at times, so it may take some time, but I know the ball will be in my court if I can come to an agreement with my wife.

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I think this is pretty solid advice. If I live in the US, and they are in Taiwan, it will definitely suck to not be with my daughter more often, It does concern me a lot that my daughter and I are Catholic, but my wife and her family are Buddhist, and she would not be practicing, but for my own sake this may be the only way to move forward. And have my daughter live with me during the summers.

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We haven’t tried that before. Every time I have brought any type of therapist or coach up, she just shuts it down and says she doesn’t want to talk to a stranger about our problems. This is also why I believe she doesn’t want to improve our marriage.

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Best of luck to you and your daughter man. The road ahead isn’t going to be easy but hope you can make the best decisions for yourself and your daughter.

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This is ridiculous. If you were in the US and she did that, would anyone make excuses?
The marriage is over. She has no respect for you.
Get your affairs in order and stay a step or two ahead of her. It may well get messy.

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She probably doesn’t want word getting out that her marriage sucks all due to her. Not only that but she is refusing accountability meaning she doesn’t want to own up to her crap of neglecting and mistreating you as her spouse. Scared to lose face and having to face the consequences I guess. Wonder if the only reason she doesn’t want a divorce is because of the “shame” and backlash that comes with being a divorcee.

I don’t know mate staying with someone that makes you dread them isn’t a good way to live. Life is too short to be living unhappily with someone who won’t compromise. A marriage is about communication and compromising if she isn’t up for that bid her goodbye she can be single. You’ve got to give her an ultimatum go to marriage counseling and work your issues out that way or get a divorce. She can’t have the best of both worlds.

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Thanks. Yes, I will need to plan this well in advance.

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I agree with you - I think I was convincing myself to stay together for the best interest of our daughter, but I know that’s not the best for all 3 of us.

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I seem to notice a pattern with marriage issues with taiwanese. Usually the woman will not give an inch, will not compromise, and must be in control. Is this cultural? Or do their parents say this is how the marriage must be, and being taiwanese they will not question it?

I heard most marriage problems in taiwan is actually caused by in laws.

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I have noticed that from our standpoint, because her parents paid for our house and my wife works for their company, I have noticed a bit of “ownership” of them over my wife. She has mentioned that she didn’t want to move back to Taiwan in the past because her mom would control her too much. So they may be controlling more than I considered. It’s also interesting that the loveless marriages seem to be ok for them as well.

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If your wife doesn’t want to come back to taiwan it’s likely she’s running from her parents or relatives. As an expat you don’t have to deal with this. In the future don’t let them pay for stuff like a house. They aren’t doing this out of the kindness of their heart, they’re buying your obedience.

Also as sad as I have to say this, she married you so she can gain foreign residence so she can run from her family.

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i think it is universal, not a Taiwanese issue. in the Webster dictionary you can find a reference to women as “ball and chain”, many women/men have problems with their mother in law, or father in, you even see it American popular culture like “meet the fockers” or “love and marriage” or the Simpson family.

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i wouldnt call it ownership per se, more clingliness that has both good and bad sides.
unlike America, where many people leave their home at their early 20s and expected to make it on theor own, in Asian families (not just Chinese, also Indian ) they stay involved in their children’s life much longer.

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Quote for the truth!

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nobody knows that, and its not necessarily true. My parents helped my brothers buy a house, not to buy obedience, but to help their kids. i hope one day i will be able to help my own kids the same way.
using this logic, all the husbands that support their stay at home wives are also buying obedience, yet the flob has quite a few posts filled with their marriage woes…

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Not good.

Her family buys you a house and she works for the family business. They own you and your wife.

Not independent from the family’s control or meddling.

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