Since I got here I’ve been trying really hard to make friends with Taiwanese people because there aren’t many foreigners here. A lot of people have been quite friendly to me, but have then made it clear that their main (or only) interest in being my friend was in using me for free English lessons (or to do their homework, correct their business letters, etc).
I did find one language exchange partner who I practiced with for about two months, thought I was getting close with, and even went away with for the New Year’s weekend. Then last night at our regular meeting she brought her boyfriend and her friend. It wasn’t language exchange time any more - it was class time. Needless to say, this was the absolute last thing I wanted after a full day of work. It is possible that she thinks I’m lonely and want more friends (and thus is trying to give me more friends), but the feeling I get is that everyone there thought “(almost) FREE ENGLISH! LET’S GET SOME!” Because of that, and because it’s not very productive on either side - the three pepople are at three totally different levels of English learning, and I find it hard to practice Chinese when three native speakers are staring at me and giggling together every time I talk - I already contacted her and told her gently why it wouldn’t work, and in the future I will simply refuse to practice if they do that again.
My question: Has anyone else had a similar experience? How do you find people interested in friendship rather than English lessons?
Its a cultural thing. Most friendships in Taiwan, outside of school mate friendships, begin for pragmatic reasons, i.e. mutual advantage. For most Westerners, this is very different from what you are used to, i.e. friendships based on shared interests. In some cases, people are out to use you; in other cases, they are simply playing out the friendship building process in the only way they know how–let’s help each other, and get to know each other that way. You can get upset about it and try to get most of the Taiwanese people you meet to do things your way, or you can adjust to it and enjoy your stay here.
Even though I figured it was probably cultural and I’m willing to play along with it to some extent (helping people with little things about English, language exchanging with this girl), I’m really uncertain where the line is between pragmatism and abuse in this context - could you give me some examples of where you yourself would make a distinction, or of things I should look for?
Yes, second what Tomas says, it can often start that way, but if you have things in common, it develops. One of my best Taiwanese friends befriended me because her kid wasn’t doing so well in my class. She invited me to dinner all the time and her kids would always be there. It drove me insane at first because I avoided her because it was just ‘overload’ for a newbie and I just wanted to relax with my English speaking friends. I couldn’t find anything in common with her, and I found her abrasive and insensitive. I also felt ‘bound’ by her kindness with the small gifts, dinner invitations, etc.
Somewhere along the I guess I just accepted we were friends. I could see she was genuinely a good person, who was just trying to help her kids and as the language barriers broke down (she picked up a lot of English from me, I started learning Chinese.) I began to see she was a really cool person who I admired a lot. We still have absolutely nothing in common, but I just like spending time with her.
I also love her kids who I have known half their lives, now.
Think about who you are making friends with, superemma. Try and find people who are interested in doing the same things you are who is around the same age as you. For me, I’ve never really done a lot of language exchanges because many are young college aged women who are at a certain stage in their lives. I’m in my 30s and want my friends to be able to relate to the person I am now and vice versa.
Oh and people who giggle at your Chinese are not ever going to be cool. Would you ever laugh at an English learner’s efforts?
Some of my best friends here started out as people pestering me for free English help. I was happy to help the ones I enjoyed spending time with. For anyone else, if I am uncomfortable about it I tell them my hourly rate and watch them disappear like smoke.
Wait until you marry into a Taiwanese family and all the aunts and uncles line up their kids in front of you to practice their English. It took a few years of cracking jokes like “no shop talk” before they got the point and I could start enjoying family get-togethers.
Don’t forget, the odd free “English lesson” can build up a little guanxi in your favor so that when you need help with something you’ll have people happy to give it.
Wow! I must be really lucky then. I have four Taiwanese girlfriends that I’m close to and I’ve known for 3-6 years. Only one of them will occasionally ask me to correct her English, the rest of them would be happier if I spoke Chinese, even though their English is good. In fact, godblessthem, they push me to learn Chinese all the time.
There are some cultural and language barriers, but we’ve all learned to adjust to each other and now I would say my friendships with them are not too different than my friendships with a Westerner. We truly care about each other and I have never felt used by them. If anything, they have done more for me since I’ve known them than they can ever imagine getting in return, if you want to talk about material things and favors, that is.
Mind you, these are friendships that are not restricted to Taiwan only. We have known each other long before I moved here and I’ve spent time with them in Europe too. So I know we will continue to be friends after I leave here.
superemma, I hope this inspires you not to give up on the people around you.
On a funnier note, one of these friends was my roommate for a while and when we first moved in together the word quickly spread that she was living with a foreigner. I can’t tell you how many good laughs we got out of her ‘long lost friends’ calling her up out of nowhere to ask if they can stop by to “talk to the foreigner”. One guy even seriously asked if he can come once a week for a session. He lived in Taichung or something like that. He was willing to pay for it. My friend suggested, jokingly of course, that we come up with a menu and have items such as “a visit without talking”, “listening to the foreigner talk”, “talking to the foreigner for 30 mins”, etc.
I know some people would have paid for that.
You should know that she was no less astonished at this ridiculous phenomenon than I was. Even though these were “her people”.
This is not to say that I don’t agree with what has been said here by other posters, I just wanted to give you proof that it’s not all like that.
Sure, of course. I have so many more friends now I speak Chinese. Language is the key. If they are with you to ‘improve their English’ then they possibly don’t have enough to communicate with you anyway, so what is the friendship going to be based on? It doesn’t mean they are bad for trying to practice, it’s just pretty boring and wearing to socialise in elementary/intermediate level English. This of course, works both ways and people don’t always want to listen to our dodgy Chinese either.