Five year old RAGE

Taiwan Parenting
1

I have a five year old son who is just recently, last week or so, having intense bouts of rage and extreme mood swings.

This is not like him at all. So far for his entire life, he’s been a very laid back kid with lotts of personality. He is having more and more intense mood swings lately, but they seem to be getting worse.

I left his father for hitting me. He was this and remembers it. He was a little over two at the time. He hasn’t seen his father in almost three years now. Right now, he’s in his room sounding so much like his father that it’s unreal. He is going on and on about how terrible I am because I made him leave his friend’s house and didn’t buy him any shoes today.

His father is Bi-polar and I’m terrified that my son will end up with the same dis-order. Especially when he acts this way.

And his father would just go on and on and on about all the injustices in his life and how I was the cause of them all. He mad no rational sense and said he had no controle over his emotions. Even times when he later would say that he knew he was wrong, even while he was saying it, he just could not help it because that’s how he felt. And since that was the way he felt, I had no right to have any sort of problem with his behavior. He could cry on the bathroom floor for hours, then get up and laugh like it was all a big joke, then get angry at me because I wasn’t just as thrilled as he was, then get angry again when he felt sad and I didn’t want to coddle him. In this moment, my son is so much like this!!

And two days ago, he got very angry with me. He could not, and still cannot, tell me why he was angry. But he was so angry that he tried to hit me and intended to hurt me. This is something that I know he knows is wrong because he still talkes about his father doing it from time to time.

I don’t know what to think. He’s been under a lot of stresses that he isn’t normally. I’ve gone back to school and I work at home. My work schedule means that I can’t pick him up from school, so he just doesn’t go on days that I work, because I don’t have anyone else who can pick him up. I’ve even tried to hire someone, but can’t find anyone. So he doesn’t attend pre-school regularly. This is only until the end of term. Next school year, he’ll be in Kindy and right beside our home. I could pick him up, or I may have a full time teaching job then, and will be able to pick him up, anyway. So he stays with me while I work, and when I’m not working, I’m still on computer because most of my course work this semester is online. He feels neglected and lonely a lot. I think this may be part of why he’s so angry. I’ve tried to talk to him about this.

I know he understands that I have to work and that I have to study, but he’s a five year old child who needs his mom more than she can be there for him. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe this unmet need is where the anger is comming from? Still, I’d think a five year old would not usually keep on and on about things and say more and more hurtful things just stiring himself up. But maybe one would. This is the first five year old I’ve ever had.

I do try to make special time for him whenever I’m free. I don’t date or do anything that doesn’t include him, other than shower! I simply have very little down time. We cuddle each night and sleep together. Usually, we read and talk about our day, and go over any plans for the next day. This is very important time for me, as it’s some of the only time I get to focus on my son.

So, anyone have any other ideas? Is his behavior normal? Do I have a real cause to worry about him? How do I give him time that I don’t have? And cleaning was one thing that I used to try to include him in, like a family activity, but I’m so bussy now that I almost never clean anything!! I need some ideas and some assurances, or advice!

Thanks.

Edit: We’ve spoken since I posted this. And I want to add that his rage is turned more inward. He’s not screaming and throwing things, just seething and striking out at me.

Anyway, it seems that he IS indeed very angry at me for not having time for him like I did before starting school. The only thing I can think of is to keep reminding him of the eventual good things that will happen in his life when mom is finished with her education. But reasoning like this really is not appropriate because he’s five. It just doesn’t mean a lot to him. He knows, clearly, that his mom is not spending the time with him, or doing things with him, as much as she used to. This breaks my hear to pieces. How can I help him understand this? How can I be there for him more than I am?

But the thing that causes me the most alarm, because his feelings are truthful and very natural–I don’t have a lot of time. I care for his basic needs and keep him safe, clean, and fed, but we don’t have a lot of fun interaction lately–and I happen to miss it as much as he does–is the swiftness with which his emotions come and go.

He got angry at his friend’s mother because he told her to bring him a drink and expected her to obey. When she said to get it himself (it was sitting on a table about three steps away from him), he told his friend to. When his friend did not, he was angrier still. When I made him leave his friend’s house before either of them and done what he wanted, he was angry at me. Then he just ranted and ranted on and on about how bad a mother I am. Then, when he’d gotten himself under controle some, he came and talked to me about his feelings. Inside of 10 minutes and he was laughing and playing and wanted nothing more to do with me because he wanted to go watch t.v. and play with his cars. The world is great again. Is that normal? It doesn’t seem normal and it’s not normal for him.

I do not want to take him to the dr. because I believe he might be quickly laybled and put on drugs. I know drugs can be wonderful, but I believe that in a child they can also do as much harm as good.

Really, if you have any advice or thoughts, I’d appriciate them. The decision to post this wasn’t made in haste.

2

I remember meeting your little guy when he wasn’t even one yet. We had lunch, I think, in the basement of 101. :slight_smile:

I’ve had to deal with 5yo rage too, and it does get easier as they become better able to express themselves.

I agree that it might do more harm than good to take him to see a doctor just yet. I hate the labels we put on kids these days, and there’s an awful lot of them. I’ve been trying to be more careful about how I describe my own children. It is also alarming how quick doctors are to “diagnose” kids and prescribe drugs.

I am hesitant to give you much advice, because every kid is different, every family has different circumstances (not that you don’t know that already).

But I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and that it could very well be just normal 5 yo acting out.

Where to start? I just want to share a few thoughts and get the discussion rolling. It will be interesting to see other perspectives, especially since we seem to have mostly dads here.

My first thought is to keep affirming him, which you’re probaby already doing. Affirm the feelings, and then help him find a way to express them in a way that doesn’t hurt himself or someone else.

Feelings are okay, right?

With my own “spirited child” who will be eleven in May, touch was and still is very important to him. When he raged as a preschooler, I found that just holding him tightly, which I did at first to keep him from hitting me, soothed him instantly! And I discovered by accident! He would just melt in my arms, and then sob, and then after letting him cry in my arms he would calm down enough to tell me what had upset him. Sometimes it was just fatigue or overstimulation, like if we’d been out at a playgroup or big event for too long, and too late in the day. I think this helped my son in two ways: I’ve learned that touch is his primary love language and that’s why holding him in a tight hug helped to calm him. His other love language is time, and so just being there and focusing on him, whether he was talking or not, helped.

A second thought is that at five, kids often are looking forward to growing up and doing big kid things, and at the same time they miss being little and want to be a baby again. Some of the acting out could be about that.

Finally (because I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts together in a short amount of time), I understand how hard it is to get in that quality time when you’ve got so much on your plate, when you’re a single parent, and when you’ve got goals you’re working toward for the betterment of your family. Keep talking to him, as you said, about how this is just temporary, and that things are going to get better when mommy’s done with school. He might not understand completely yet, but he will get some of it, and it’s something to look forward to. Make a calendar and count down the days together, or make a special paper chain to hang from a doorway or wall and he can tear a link off every day to count down until mom’s graduation, or some other event.

One other thought is to read The Five Love Languages of Chidren (I know–where are you going to find the time to read a book if you barely have the time to spend with him already, but I do recommend this book). Is time his primary love language? Or is it touch? This book, and the one for teens and spouses in my case, really helped me to look at the way I express love, how each of my kids and my spouse receive love. I learned quite a bit, and I learned also that as kids grow, and adults/relationships too, their primary love language changes.

I hope this has been of some help, and I apologize for rushing through this post. I’ve had my own struggles as a parent, and I was a single parent once too. Sometimes it helps just to know that others have struggles too and that you’re not alone, and that you do get through them, and thrive.

Keep on keeping on!!

3

I remember having awful temper tantrums when I was a small child. I’m sure it was when we lived in London so I must have been 3, 4 or 5 years old. It stopped later but people say depression is anger turned inward and I have suffered from depression from time to time, especially in my late teens and early 20s. Later I tried group therapy (Primal Integration) and it helped me a lot.

I’m no expert but I wouldn’t advise turning to medication, at least at this stage. I think it just suppresses the symptoms. Some kind of let-it-all-out therapy might help, if you can find it. There could also be chemical factors in the environment, like caffeine, tea, food additives (e.g. artificial colours or MSG maybe).

…
Reference: Food additives do cause temper tantrums (The Food Commission, U.K.)

4

I would advise that it’s tough for a 5 year old boy in a single parent environment. He’s full of conflicting, confusing emotions that he has not yet learnt to deal with. This is often intensified by percieived peer pressure, a new routine, and bewilderment at the changing world around him. Perhaps a sense of hurt at a lack of a father figure. All understandable. I went thru most of those myself, though perhaps at not such a young age.
I agree with braxtonhicks: Active positive engagement is the best tactic. Mental affirmation, emotional openness, and lots of physical contact are all good ideas. I would also suggest trying to get some kind of common hobby going.
The main thing is to boost his confidence at the same time as affirming & accentuating the deeply positive aspects of your relationship.
I wish you all the best. As most of us parents know, it’s not an easy world out there for raising kids, let alone a single parent at school.
Have your chin up,
and Keep On Truckin’!
:thumbsup:

5

I can only chime in with the advise for a rigid schedule for the child to give him a sense of pattern and stability. So even if not going to school on a regular bases, you should try to create a schedule in advance for him on a weekly basis. Every Sunday, tell him, Monday you goto school, Tues you stay home, Weds day you goto school…etc.

My younger child would easily get frustrated when schedules or patterns were broken. Especially when he was at an age where his vocabulary was not large enough to describe the problem. It took the longest time to figure out that he had a favorite sandwich shop, and get so upset when we drive by without stopping at it. Or that he had a play date in pre-school with his best friend to watch a Thomas DVD, which conflicted with a doctor’s appointment.

Children sometimes pick up behaviors from their parents, so it is good to explain to children their proper roles in the world until they become adults. I remember an instance when my older child was five and he sent the piano teacher home one day, when I wasn’t around. The nanny didn’t do anything to stop him either. I had to explain to him that even though Daddy’s position in life is an employer, he has no right as my son to take advantage of his association to me to treat my employees as his own.

Even if you believe he has a predisposition to violence when frustrated, he can be trained to behave in another manner when these bouts of frustration occurs. Don’t hit Mommy, hit the bean bag with a nerf bat, until you’ve clam down enough for a proper conversation. Cry in your own room, until you’re ready to talk, take a nap while your at it.

Sometimes a child needs their parent, where surrogates and proxies will not do, it is tough especially when one is self-employed.

6

I was bad tempered as a child, would get really angry, through things around, slam doors, hit my older brother etc. I still am, but got myself under better control nowadays. Was never in therapy or something and I don’t recall anything my parents did to calm me down besides letting me get it out of the system. Some have a temper, some don’t. I don’t think there is a need to see a doctor.

7

All of you have given some great replies. Most of all, I feel affirmed that what I’m doing is right–I simply have too little time.

This hitting at me thing is a first, and I’m sure it came of feelings of despeartion for him. I’m baffeled at why he can’t tell me what made him mad, because he is so very articulate. Much more so than most five year olds I’ve met. We spend a LOT of time together before he turned about three years old, as I was a stay at home mom till then, and he has great communication skills. I think it is just that it wasn’t really anything I did that angered him–it was what I didn’t–a more abstract concept that he doesn’t know how to deal with yet.

He’s a great kid. He trully is my hero. He has been through so very much in these early years. He moved to a country that was foreign to him and dealth with every single dynamic in his life turning inside out.

So, for all kids a regular schedule is important, but I’ve tried very hard keep up some kind of normalcy for him. Things are getting somewhat steadier, but there has been plenty of shifting around and what not. It’s even been hard on me. That’s why, at night, part of the routeen is talking about what is in store for the next day, and after that, if he can handle the concept.

I’ve made calendars for Christmas and Birthdays that he can count down, but school is still more than a year from over, and that would be too overwhelming just yet.

I like the idea of a big–let it all out–kind of thing. I will try to arrange something like this. I’ve also been considering for some time now trying to find some Tai-Kun-Do classes for him as he shows a natural interest in martial arts–he remembers doing Tai-Chi in the park with his great aunt–and I think that giving him a way to develope his body, coordination, and self dicipline in this way would help him and be fun for him at the same time. That’s not very useful for spending time with me–which is the main problem, I think–but useful for doing something productive for the time being and maybe leaning some coping skills.

Yes, Braxton, I think he was about six months old at that time! I was thinking of you the other day, too, wondering why I hadn’t seen you post for a while. I’m glad you did here.

And thanks for the PM’s too, those who sent them. Also good advice.

8

housecat, i can’t offer any parenting advice, I’m afraid, but I want to tell you that I have a lot of respect for what you’re doing. I’ve followed your story all the way and I’m sorry you and your little boy are facing this now.
You were very couragous to do what you did, getting divorced, leaving Taiwan, getting settled on your own, raising your boy alone… My hat’s off to you, on so many levels.

I have a special reason to appreciate your situation. My Mom went through something similar and today I have immense respect for what she did for me.

You’re brave and smart and I’m sure you’ll make the right decisions for your little boy, and some day he’ll appreciate it.

9

As an absent father who only occasionally falls back into active fatherly duty I’ve often pondered the necessity of a father like figure in instances like this. I’m a big believer in kids constantly testing the limits of what they can do and the need for a firm hand at keeping the boundaries clear. I really think kids derrive a degree of comfort as they stumble through life knowing what is okay and what marks the no no line. I think a father in this instance would likely come down hard on a kid. You can almost hear it now - “how dare you treat your mother like that.”

On the other hand, I’m currently in a mostly distance relationship with a woman who has a young daughter. Mum has the patience of a saint. What she does in a case like this is sit the kid down and talk, talk, talk for ages. It’s a long unrelenting but calm this is why I’m not happy with you and this is how you can make me happy. Being Thai, she throws in lots of cultural specifics. Each time the kid ends up sitting there nodding in agreement. It’s quite something to behold.

Agree with not getting a doctor involved, unless you think ritalin is the answer - they have no other. And likewise agree with the fine words of our dear Tash above. It’s a tough road, gal, but you are doing it in style and I do suspect it will get easier.

HG

10

[quote=“housecat”]

I’ve made calendars for Christmas and Birthdays that he can count down, but school is still more than a year from over, and that would be too overwhelming just yet.[/quote]

Good concept, but try narrowing it down to a time frame he can relate to. Like, within 24 hour period. As that begins to take root, then expand to bi-daily then weekly.

It took getting into grad school for me to see how setting small goals could get me to bigger goals. Before that I struggled with the "where are you gonna be in 2, 5 , 10 " concept of goals. But breaking it down and seeing a relation to the overall picture helped me have a frame of reference.

11

You don’t necessarily have to see a doctor. There must be good family counselling services, staffed by social workers etc., around that do not prescribe medication. They can also be a support for you in dealing with your boy and help you plan strategies for dealing with his behaviour.

12

I concur with Gilgamesh. Medical professionals, of which I include those that provide counseling, don’t necessarily need to prescribe medication. It may be as simple as a drafting up of a plan and referral to a good book, all of which may be accomplished within a single session.

13

As being only a teacher and not a parent, I still recommend “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk”. I had a five-year-old student who also went through fits where he would get so angry and yell and strike out at others with the veins in his little temples standing out. I read the book mainly for him because I had been working with him since he was barely 3 and spent his mornings sitting in my lap crying because he didn’t speak any English and was utterly scared and confused by school.

One day, when he was having another lashing out at the students, I used some of the things I had learned from the book to talk to him. He immediately began crying, came over to me, and let me hold him until he could calm down and tell me why he was upset. It was hard to keep from crying myself. He raged less and started trying to talk through his anger as I continued to work with him.

I don’t know if it could have the same effect, and no other child went through as dramatic a change as this little boy did (although none of them showed such pent-up anger as he did either), but I swear by this book.

14

[quote=“ImaniOU”]As being only a teacher and not a parent, I still recommend “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk”. I had a five-year-old student who also went through fits where he would get so angry and yell and strike out at others with the veins in his little temples standing out. I read the book mainly for him because I had been working with him since he was barely 3 and spent his mornings sitting in my lap crying because he didn’t speak any English and was utterly scared and confused by school.

One day, when he was having another lashing out at the students, I used some of the things I had learned from the book to talk to him. He immediately began crying, came over to me, and let me hold him until he could calm down and tell me why he was upset. It was hard to keep from crying myself. He raged less and started trying to talk through his anger as I continued to work with him.

I don’t know if it could have the same effect, and no other child went through as dramatic a change as this little boy did (although none of them showed such pent-up anger as he did either), but I swear by this book.[/quote]

I’m sure it’s agreat book. It’s been around a while and I’ve heard good things about it. Usually, my son and I don’t have such a hard time of it. I’ve planned a little camping trip for spring break that he is VERY excited about and that seems to have helped already.

15

I recommend that How To Talk… book too! Glad you have something to look forward to for Spring Break!

16

A very different POV:
When ever we acted up as kids…we were informed that if we didn’t cut the crap, we’d be given a reason to cry… :noway: