A Study of Tribes of Foreigners in Traffic:
- THE WILD
Wow, these ones had a lot of balls to come all the way out to exotic Southeast Asia. They were born to be wild. So it is only natural that they ride a big, ballsy motorcycle. The bigger the motorcycle, the bigger the balls. Now if your balls are even BIGGER, then you’ll ride around on your big CHOPPER without a helmet, letting your colorful foreigner hair go wild in the wind. Survey says…you are an idiot. But The Wild probably never come to Oriented.org anyway, so they’ll never know their idiocy.
- The Bicycles
These guys are healthy, nuts and berry granola eatin’ foreigners. Bike-riding is good exercise to complement their healthy lifestyles. The ones who don’t wear a helmet are probably the same ones who smoke.
Survey says…no helmet = you are an idiot
use helmet = you are a healthy chipper environmental-friendly foreigner.
- The Gone-Natives
These folks ride scooters like most everybody else in Taiwan. This tribe has several sub-species: Gone-Full-Face-Helmet-Native, Gone-Helmet-Native, and Gone-Skull-Native. The Gone-Full-Face-Helmet-Native is well equipped to learn Chinese, as her/his brain and oral cavity are both protected and can still be used to learn the language despite any other physical injuries that could occur in a traffic accident. The Gone-Helmet-Native may lose his/her face/jaw/nose in an accident, but the mind will nevertheless still be intact, so that the person in question should be able to learn to adapt to the loss of her/his face/jaw/nose/etc., etc. The Gone-Skull-Native, like his numerous Taiwanese counterparts, is in danger of losing his/her life.
Survey says… Gone-Full-Face-Helmet-Natives: be careful and always look all four ways.
Gone-Helmet-Natives: Buy “Hannibal” on DVD and watch it until you are accustomed to seeing faceless people, or buy a full face helmet - the helmet is only a little more expensive than the movie.
Gone-Skull-Natives: quit being a wimp and just go ahead and kill yourself. Why wait around for an accident? You’re boring!
- The MRT-Taxi
This tribe exists only in Taipei and have access an incredible transportation network consisting of the MRT and numerous taxis. They can also be considered to have “gone native” as most Taiwanese in Taipei also use the MRT and taxis. This tribe is expected to grow in population as their survival rate is very high.
- The Me-Have-Driver
This tribe is a very special class, somewhat like the koala in that it is given very special treatment by the locals. This tribe is very affluent and usually connected to a multi-national company which provides their employees with a personal driver. As you can notice from the tribe’s name, this tribe is usually pampered to the point that any interest in learning the Chinese language or “going native” is kept minimal. This tribe has a driver to serve as a medium and therefore needs not be troubled by any cultural assimilation. Like koalas, they are rare and admired by the locals for their affluency, help to the Taiwanese economy and they’re also great to practice English with!
- The Cars
What a great band! Rick Okasek - shake it up!