Get guanxi here

Too much heavy s.h.1.t going on for my tastes right now, so I’ll give g$25 for the best post to this thread in the next 7 days.

Funny is good, interesting or informative is doubly good. Can be your own opinion, or a response to someone else. Mention the middle east or ireland and you owe me a hundred.

(You could also use the space to pledge g$ of your own.)

I love you tmwc -( if you are a woman)
I respect you - (if you are a man)

Can I have my g$25 now?

Nice try, but if I’m female then why can’t you love AND respect me?

And what if I’m a sheep?

Aren’t you a Bush critic? Same thing, really. :wink:

Nope, the Bush followers are the sheep. The critics are goats: much smarter and independent, they have to be led rather than driven, and the uninformed religious masses associate them with satan.

Actually, I’m not specifically a Bush critic. In fact I don’t think I’ve had a go at him personally in any threads. I do think he looks like a chimp though.

Guanxi attemp #1:
Two penuts walk into a bar. One was assulted (a salted).
Badum bump. :laughing: :laughing:

A man walked into a bar and said “Ouch!”

It was an iron bar!! :wink:

You spelt ‘peanut’ wrong.

Guanxi attemp #2:
T.M.W.C.
The Monkeys With Cookies
Think Martin Was Coming?
Those Men Walk Cocky
Thick Matted Willy Cement
Tickle Mandy Wiggle Charlie
Thou Must Want Coke (heheh)

Ok, those suck… gonna have to try better for #3.

the miltownkid was cheeky
tigerman may want castigating
tomorrow maoman will cry
tickle my wet c*** :smiley:

[quote=“tmwc”]

And what if I’m a sheep?[/quote]

Love you tonight and respect you in the shorn?

Which reminds me: What did the Australian bloke say when asked why he liked to have oral sex with his sheep?

“It’s great outback, but it’s even better down under.”

Hee Hee Hee

Maybe you could bribe “ax” to stop posting so much with some guanxi. :stuck_out_tongue:

OK, I have to try. Are points awarded for multiple crappy jokes?

HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST? They take the psycho path.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?Boil the hell out of it.
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? Polaroids.
WHAT DO THEY CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN’T WORK? A stick.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN’T YOURS? Nacho cheese.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTAS HELPERS? Suborbinate clauses.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.
WHAT DO TOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.
WHAT GOES CLOP,CLOP,CLOP,BANG,BANG,CLOP,CLOP,CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting.

Time’s nearly up, and I’m voting for Nemesis right now.

Shamelessly stolen for their sheer awfulness, but here goes:

What’s Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Patty O’Furniture.

What’s Mary short for?
She’s got no legs.

What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film?
“Some day my prints will come.”

A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Why did the mother of twins name both of her sons Edward?
Because two Eds are better than one.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was lousy, but the reception was great.

Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? No? Well, well, well.

A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replied, “It’s quite obvious: you’re two tents.”

AND, drum roll, please…
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

So last night I got back from work and I thought I’d surprise the missus with a nice vegetable pasta bake. I put the veges on the ground so my hands would be free to grab a beer from the fridge, next thing I turn around and catch my dog, a sneaky good for nothing beagle, cocking his leg and pissing all through the vegetables. He didn’t miss a single bit of broc or colly. I was shattered. Trying to impress the wife with a nice meal and my dog just goes and pisses all my hopes away :cry:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender sez, “Hey, what’s with the long face?”

A termite walks into a bar and sez “where’s the bartender?” (Think about it)

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 whiskies. He proceeds to pound them back in rapid succession. The bartender asks what he is celebrating. The man sez, “I just had my first blow job.” The bartender sez “Congratulations, let me buy you another.” The man replies, “No thanks, if 12 didn’t kill the taste…”

Rosie and Merle, a native american couple are on their way to the Bingo Palace when they pass the Native Help Centre. Rosie asks Merle to pull the Chevy over, she needs to see the doctor. She sez to the doctor, “Doctor, I’m worried about this Aids thing. Can you check me out?” The Doc sez, “Sure Rosie, I’ll need a urine sample, a blood sample and a stool sample.” Rosie replies, “Doc, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Merle’s waitin’ in the Chevy and we are on are way to the Bingo Palace. Can I leave you my panties?”

And now…for those ever popular “Blonde jokes”…

Why shouldn’t you make love to a blond in the morning? Have you ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?

How does a blond turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

What did the blond say to her pregnant teenage daughter? Are you sure it’s yours?

Toe save, you want three warnings for that “native american” “joke”?

Sorry about all the multiple postings…I kept getting “server down” replies…

And I do accept the warning, but in my defense, would it have been funnier if I said “Two morons where on there way to the Bingo Palace”?

OK, here are more; my ego has deflated since Jeff and Toesave’s last postings:
There are only four countries listed here; if someone else doesn’t add a category for South Africans soon, I’ll have to do so myself…

[b][color=darkblue]Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. [/color][/b]