Dude, OP…
I have read many of your posts because they have splintered off into so many other topics all boiling down to your marriage. I have been biting my tongue hoping all works well for you and your wife. But I just can’t sit back and watch this train wreck anymore. I am going to be blunt so hold on tight.
Nothing in your life will ever change until you understand and accept that you are the cause of your problems. You need to own this or you will forever be in this crappy situation…relationship after relationship…on and on.
This is about YOU. Not her or anyone else. No matter how messed up you think she was and is, it’s not about her. You are the problem. You need to take control of your life by taking control of your thoughts and actions. Stop playing the blame game and stop playing the victim. You messed up, you allowed this other person to control your thoughts and actions. You were and are too worried about what other people think about you. STOP.
You commented earlier that it would cause you greater depression to move back in with your parents at 40. Why? That’s you again…caring too much about what you think others might be thinking about you. Who gives a crap what anyone thinks? STOP!
You get one shot at life and that’s if you are lucky. Many people never make it to 40, you have. Congrats! You are alive! You have a life and it is YOURS. Every second you spend thinking about what others may or may not be thinking about you is a second of life WASTED. STOP.
Own yourself. Own your thoughts. Own your actions. Own your life. Live in the now. The past is only in YOUR head and YOUR future truly is what YOU make of it. STOP the madness.
You screwed up. Not her or anyone else. You need to get your life in order. Stop manipulating yourself.
If you want the APRC, then get it. Just do it. You have a plan, make it work and throw out the mental garbage.
If you want to go back to your parents. Do it. There is no shame. Shame is all in YOUR head.
Start being a responsible adult and get yourself to work on time. You need money to survive on this planet and the vast majority of us have to work to get that money. Again, you did this to yourself. STOP.
Lastly, start enjoying life in the now. Like I said before. You are alive. Congrats! It’s YOUR life and the only person that can screw it up is yourself. Take control of you.