So I have a new girlfriend who is taiwanese and I am a foriegner. Things have gotten pretty serious very quickly and I really like her. I stopped dating other girls which was a big step for me.
She said she was going out with a friend and I said that would be good since she is very busy and doesn’t get to see her friends often. Later when I talked to her she wasn’t using “he” or “she” while talking about her friend so I asked if it was a guy. I found out she is friends with her ex boyfriend and she saw him today. He is also a foriegner.
She said he doesn’t have many friends and that sometimes he needs help with things (since he is foriegn I guess) so she helped him find some things for his new apartment. She was supposed to meet another friend after helping him but her friend never called so went to dinner with him.
So I asked if she talked about me with him she said no but she told him two weeks ago about me. I always talk with my friends about her though. I felt a little jealous and told her that but I also trust her. I am not jealous now but it does make me uncomfortable and I have concerns. I am never friends with an ex because it has never worked out for me. There are usually always feelings there from one party or the other. Past intimacy, moments of ackwardness, one party not being able to move etc…
I am secure enough to accept it but just not very comfortable with it. I guess if something was to happen again between them then so be it. I will find someone better because I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh dawn it people like me haha.
I am just wondering what everyones opinions or experiences are with boyfriends/girfriends with ex’s as friends.
Does any one have exes as friends? If so how does that work for you?
Uhm my experience is just don’t do it. Ex’s that hang around is just bad news.
Don’t believe me. Play tit-for-tat. Go hang out with your ex’s on the same frequency she does. Let’s see how long she’ll put up with it.
But if she’s not a keeper, then let her keep doing it. You can always use it as a backdoor excuse for a quick exit from the relationship when you trade up 6 months from now.
[quote=“djkonstable”]I felt a little jealous and told her that but I also trust her. [/quote]Not good. After you tell her that you felt jealous, it might be harder for her to believe that you trust her… Jealousy is a major turn off, mate. If things are to work out between the two of you, then there’s no need for you to lack confidence. While you have not remained friends with ex GFs, it is not uncommon for many people to remain close friends after they split up. My advice is don’t go there. She will appreciate you a whole lot more.
ac_dropout’s post above is a good example of the kind of frame of mind that can ruin a perfectly good thing…
[quote=“marboulette”][quote=“djkonstable”]I felt a little jealous and told her that but I also trust her. [/quote]Not good. After you tell her that you felt jealous, it might be harder for her to believe that you trust her… Jealousy is a major turn off, mate. If things are to work out between the two of you, then there’s no need for you to lack confidence. While you have not remained friends with ex GFs, it is not uncommon for many people to remain close friends after they split up. My advice is don’t go there. She will appreciate you a whole lot more.
ac_dropout’s post above is a good example of the kind of frame of mind that can ruin a perfectly good thing…
Just my opinion.
marboulette[/quote]
yeah it was a mistake to say I was jealous it was temporary. I am however concerned. What is the reason to stay friends with an ex when it didn’t workout there was a split for a reason and guaranteed one or the other still has feelings. Either of guilt, loss, still likes the other or otherwise. It just seems like an ackward friendship to have and probably not healthy.
[quote=“ac_dropout”]Uhm my experience is just don’t do it. Ex’s that hang around is just bad news.
Don’t believe me. Play tit-for-tat. Go hang out with your ex’s on the same frequency she does. Let’s see how long she’ll put up with it.
But if she’s not a keeper, then let her keep doing it. You can always use it as a backdoor excuse for a quick exit from the relationship when you trade up 6 months from now.[/quote]
Actually there is a girl who I am friends with that asked me to hang out today. We dated one time and then I got serious with the other girl. I told her we could be just friends and she was ok with it. We talk about my relationship with the serious girl quite often. So she is a good friend and someone I trust just not my type though. I wasn’t going to go hang out with her because it didn’t seem ok. But given the new information I am considering it.
If your current gf was truly serious about monogomy and your feelings, she would have known it was inappropriate to go see her ex. To me it just sounds like she’s a drama queen in the making and enjoys the attention of 2 foreign men on her.
Just like you came to conclusion it was inappropriate for you to see your ex, she should have been able to reach the same conclusion if you share the same values in relationships.
Relationships should be well defined to both parties so that no sense of jealously or insecurity occurs.
If it is a monogomous relationship, define it as such and behave accordingly.
If it is a fling, define it as such and behave accordingly.
If she’s your third mistress that you see every other Tues, define it as such and behave accordingly.
Drama arises when people mis-identify their relationships.
FWIW, my closest friend in Taiwan is my ex. We didn’t work as a couple but we work as friends. In fact, she usually introduces her bf’s to me then later asks my opinion about them because she trusts me to give her an honest opinion - and I’m usually right.
I know a couple, foreign guy/taiwan girl, married for five years now. She is still friends with a lot of her ex’s and still talks to them and goes to see them. Sometimes he goes with her, sometimes he doesn’t. I thought that was nutts while they were dating, but it turned out that his trust bore her faithfulness and their mutual respect.
I’m with ac on this one. Just hang out with your friend that’s a girl to see if she’s cool with it.
The story of helping the foreigner because he doesn’t have too many friends is a bit of a stretch to me. I’ve rarely heard of a situation where a foreign guy isn’t able to find assistance in Taiwan. There are many friendly people here.
If I put myself in the foreign guy’s shoes, I see a girl that I dated but didn’t commit to and now she’s out with someone new (you). Because I’m a possessive kind of guy that doesn’t realize a good thing until it’s gone, I’m going to try and keep the embers burning.
So again, I agree with ac_dropout that remaining friendly with an ex isn’t always as easy as people make it seem.
I have experience with ‘ex issues’ in relationships. In my opinion it is NOT good when there is an ex friend. Well… only if she meets him very infrequently I think.
In your case she seems to meet him often. There are other warning signs, like she avoided using gender words to refer to the friend (like ‘him’).
Your feelings are completely natural, even the jealousy. Control is not good though, especially at this early stage.
My advice is for you to do the same. Have some female ‘friend’ call you up when you’re together with her. Have some innocent dates with ‘friends’. Keep some distance sometimes or pretend you’re too busy to meet her one day this week. Then see how she responds to that (if at all). You’ll soon have a better impression of how she regards the relationship with you.
But if this continues like this (she meeting her ex) and you having these awkward suspiciousfeelings, then you’re probably right. Trust your feelings and get out of it before you feel too intimate with her. It can get really miserable for you, trust me!
What I usually do in a situation like that (and heaven forbid it happens often in Taiwan, I’ve come to learn) is distancing myself proportionally to the amount of time and effort she’s applying to spending with an ex.
I have a jealous nature also, and because I don’t know you bunch personally, I air it here. In reality I show this not. Its a shocking trait to have. So, to make things easier for me, I start depriving her of certain things, my motto is that, if she’s seeking more affection or attention elsewhere, then she’s already taking what I do for granted, and needs to go back to appreciation school.
Clearly this is more effective if you have been an awesome boyfriend. She needs to long for you, and you need to extract your best out in such a way that shes doesn’t realize that you are doing it.
The problem is that its not HER problem, its yours, because of the jealousy.
eventually over time, her subconscious tells her that its seems that everytime shes hanging out with ex, shes disturbed about you in someway that she cannot place. Over time it will not be enjoyable for her to do so, and she will tune back.
[quote=“JohnnyT”]What I usually do in a situation like that (and heaven forbid it happens often in Taiwan, I’ve come to learn) is distancing myself proportionally to the amount of time and effort she’s applying to spending with an ex.
I have a jealous nature also, and because I don’t know you bunch personally, I air it here. In reality I show this not. Its a shocking trait to have. So, to make things easier for me, I start depriving her of certain things, my motto is that, if she’s seeking more affection or attention elsewhere, then she’s already taking what I do for granted, and needs to go back to appreciation school.
Clearly this is more effective if you have been an awesome boyfriend. She needs to long for you, and you need to extract your best out in such a way that shes doesn’t realize that you are doing it.
The problem is that its not HER problem, its yours, because of the jealousy.
eventually over time, her subconscious tells her that its seems that everytime shes hanging out with ex, shes disturbed about you in someway that she cannot place. Over time it will not be enjoyable for her to do so, and she will tune back.[/quote]
Word I hear you I am not the jealous type. I always figure if something happens it isn’t me its the other person. I don’t have a reason to be jealous about the guy. I just see it as bad news exes are not the best. Feelings are there no matter what someone wants to think.
I keep my time divided between her and my friends which are mostly girls. I won’t even be around this weekend even though it is her birthday because I am going out of town to visit some other friends and it is another friends birthday. I did have plans with her Friday but my friends want to go already on Friday so I am leaving on Friday anyway. She said she is ok with it. There are some other things that I have to straighten out with a friend who is out of town involving some jealousy on his part, long story. I like the distancing thing. Playing tit for tat is more my style and there are plenty of girls I can do it with. I dropped out of the game for this girl but it doesn’t mean I can’t hop right back in.
[quote=“rocky raccoon”]remaining friendly with an ex isn’t always as easy as people make it seem.[/quote]Agreed but so what? Instead of trusting the girl you go on getting in the way of who she wants to hang out with, and playing mind games and trying to make her jealous as has been suggested? Way to complicate things even more and possibly ruin a really good thing, in my humble opinion.
If you like the girl, offer your trust but don’t try to control the situation. It’s out of your hands anyways…
Exactly. The relationship will either work, or it won’t. Trust will help the former, stupid-junior-high-mind-games will not.
I once went out with a girl who was into the whole jealousy game. She liked pulling this kind of stunts:[quote]My advice is for you to do the same. Have some female ‘friend’ call you up when you’re together with her. Have some innocent dates with ‘friends’. Keep some distance sometimes or pretend you’re too busy to meet her one day this week. Then see how she responds to that (if at all). You’ll soon have a better impression of how she regards the relationship with you. [/quote]Surely, you mean that she’ll have a better impression of how you regard the relationship with her?
Anyways, I ended up telling this stunt girl the following: “Come get your stuff and get the fuck out of my life.”
[quote=“ac_dropout”]she would have known it was inappropriate to go see her ex.[/quote]Inappropriate? What kind of a control freak are you? If my better half told me that she thought it was inappropriate for me to go see my ex, you better believe that she would lose a lot of my respect.
Reading through this thread, and wondering why I couldn’t relate, or was inclined to advise intolerance to the the OP. Because … I had the fortunate experience to date, and then marry a 23 yr old who never had an ex. Never had. Never.
Sorry for the … was that bragging? Apologies. Still, thank goodness for old fashioned values. And best of luck to the OP.
Word I hear you I am not the jealous type. I always figure if something happens it isn’t me its the other person. I don’t have a reason to be jealous about the guy. I just see it as bad news exes are not the best. Feelings are there no matter what someone wants to think.
I keep my time divided between her and my friends which are mostly girls. I won’t even be around this weekend even though it is her birthday because I am going out of town to visit some other friends and it is another friends birthday. I did have plans with her Friday but my friends want to go already on Friday so I am leaving on Friday anyway. She said she is ok with it. There are some other things that I have to straighten out with a friend who is out of town involving some jealousy on his part, long story. I like the distancing thing. Playing tit for tat is more my style and there are plenty of girls I can do it with. I dropped out of the game for this girl but it doesn’t mean I can’t hop right back in.[/quote]
From your previous posts, you strike me as the popular type, and from what I read above you’ve got alot of other friends, many of which are other women. Did it occur to you that perhaps this whole situation has resulted from the fact that it is in fact your girlfriend who is jealous and can’t handle the fact that you have lots of other girls who are just friends? And that perhaps she’s doing this to try to make you feel the way she does?
Its pretty harsh that you’re ditching her on her b’day to go hangout with other friends, but then, I dunno how close u guys are.
Word I hear you I am not the jealous type. I always figure if something happens it isn’t me its the other person. I don’t have a reason to be jealous about the guy. I just see it as bad news exes are not the best. Feelings are there no matter what someone wants to think.
I keep my time divided between her and my friends which are mostly girls. I won’t even be around this weekend even though it is her birthday because I am going out of town to visit some other friends and it is another friends birthday. I did have plans with her Friday but my friends want to go already on Friday so I am leaving on Friday anyway. She said she is ok with it. There are some other things that I have to straighten out with a friend who is out of town involving some jealousy on his part, long story. I like the distancing thing. Playing tit for tat is more my style and there are plenty of girls I can do it with. I dropped out of the game for this girl but it doesn’t mean I can’t hop right back in.[/quote]
From your previous posts, you strike me as the popular type, and from what I read above you’ve got alot of other friends, many of which are other women. Did it occur to you that perhaps this whole situation has resulted from the fact that it is in fact your girlfriend who is jealous and can’t handle the fact that you have lots of other girls who are just friends? And that perhaps she’s doing this to try to make you feel the way she does?
Its pretty harsh that you’re ditching her on her b’day to go hangout with other friends, but then, I dunno how close u guys are.[/quote]
One in a successful relationship, not asking for advise like this on a forum. (I just ask for advise on shaving pubes and cheating with ones SO’s sister, totally different)…
But that’s you. That’s not the guy asking for advise. Why should djkonstable behave like you, when he is not you?
djkonstable obviously has some concerns, I think he needs to resolve them with his current gf. Not just say to himself, “it’s just me and it’s all in my head.”