Same here, brother. Same here.
[quote=“ac_dropout”]Why should djkonstable behave like you, when he is not you?
[/quote]Nothing to do with me. Just common sense. Are you telling us that your GF/wife(whichever) cant see her ex without you thinking that she is behaving inappropriately? I guess you’d better wish she isn’t close to her ex, or you’ll be damn near choking the poor girl.
marboulette
It is just common sense once you’ve been in a relationship long enough. Been in a relationship long enough you might even be begging her to go see her ex, just to put some spice in your life.
But given the case that is presented here, a new relationship, where things are still tentative, why put yourself in a situation that can be misinterpreted?
If it is a group outing and the ex is there, that’s another story. Less opportunity for silliness, and you can’t control friends of friends wanting to see each other every now and then.
But if it is 1 on 1 engagement that last more than 10 minutes. That’s just asking for trouble in this stage of the relationship.
My advise is based on the premise that this woman is a keeper and you want her to know that the relationship is exclusive on an on going basis.
But if that is not the case, then let her wander, you can wander, and it is a game of who is going to trade up first.
Could even be a test on her part to see if you are committed to her. She goes seeing her ex, hoping you’ll chase after her and stop her. You don’t have to go all caveman-stalker on her. But you just need to communicate to her in a romantic korean soap-opera fashion that you are not comfortable with it.
[quote=“ac_dropout”]
Could even be a test on her part to see if you are committed to her. She goes seeing her ex, hoping you’ll chase after her and stop her. You don’t have to go all caveman-stalker on her. But you just need to communicate to her in a romantic Korean soap-opera fashion that you are not comfortable with it.[/quote]
Sure, but if she is genuinely close to him, your reaction is a bummer for her… So you could either be dealing with woman who is testing you, or you could be dealing with a woman who is genuinely close to her ex. Do you feel lucky, punk?
marboulette
I let her bring her ex up in conversation tonight because I wasn’t going to. We were talking about ways to communicate properly, what she does, what I do etc… when it came up.
She told me her ex sent her flowers and a card on Valentines. Of course she told him what I did and he just said DAMN. Don’t mess with a player yo haha. Yes the girl is vying for attention and I ain’t doing that shit.
I actually just drew her a flower and made a card and gave her Chocolates total cost 120 nt. Nothing serious right since we just started out.
Well it isn’t a frienship if someone is sending flowers and cards. Had a thorough discussion about friendship boundaries, etc…
It comes down to this.
I can’t start a relationship with someone who allows a person they don’t like to linger on. She said he is an asshole, doesn’t have many friends, and her best friend hates him. Sounds like a great guy haha. Logical conclusion stop talking to him. However I know how a lot of women can be. They always like to keep a string attached. The lets be friends concept. Its so hard to let go etc…
I just said I can’t do it. It isn’t good for him and it isn’t good for our relationship. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she would feel.
Bottom line is I can’t start a new relationship this way. She held things back when I was honest. I dropped all my other relationships with girls and said I would be with her. If she can’t drop him then she lost a really good thing. So its up to her.
BTW she was going to go home for her birthday so I didn’t ditch her out.
I laid it down. I thought this was a case of ex friendship but it isn’t as I suspected.
There are always going to be feelings there especially if you were really intimate. So its better to see an ex in the next life.
I think this is a good topic so carry on with your experiences, thoughts etc… I just had to start the topic with my own B.S.
Actually thanks everyone who posted. It helped me put things into perspective especially while talking with her tonight.
The possessiveness made complete sense, jealousy, playing tit for tat, it all helped thanks.
BTW I feel very good and positive about what happened tonight, at least things are out on the table now.
A somewhat different take here than many on the thread:
I’ve always felt the guy needs to ‘lay down the law’, as it were, in this situation, and have never felt guilty about it. Lays a foundation for a solid relationship, or gets you out of a doomed one early on.
Luv and respect for the other’s feelings go hand in hand. If she says she ‘lurvs’ you, but doesn’t demonstrate respect for you by a level of discretion that you are comfortable with, then something is out of kilter.
I was always clear on this point, and didn’t waste much time worrying if I was smothering or what not. That is who I was, end of story. I looked inside, and knew clearly under what conditions I could be happy. Those conditions were fairly black and white, though some on this thread would have found them stark.
But generally I found chicks respected the directness, and more often than not liked that their guy wanted to put up fences around what he saw as his.
**If some guy gave flowers and candy to my girlfriend as a romantic gesture, that is blatant disrespect for what is, for lack of a better word, “mine,” and something I simply wouldn’t take sitting down, figuratively speaking. That would encompass any activities by my girlfriend that might be construed to suggest he was welcome to do so. That he did so shows the girl failed to communicate with him where the boundaries are. I would make clear to her that, as my girlfriend, I expect her to communicate those boundaries clearly with all her guy friends.
Anyway, seems the OP has a handle on the situation …
djkonstable,
When was the last time you brought up your ex with your gf?
Sounds like she has issues…
Perhaps it is time to have the “Who’s better in bed?” conversation… 
Followed by the “You know my ex was much better at doing [fill the blank]” conversation…
LOL
Stay away from women who are attracted to assholes. Unless you’re an asshole yourself, that’s going to end badly for you.
Her dumping an asshole isn’t enough if she hasn’t gotten over what led her into a relationship with such a person (in general) in the first place. It doesn’t sound like that has happened at all. Beware.
[quote=“marboulette”][quote=“ac_dropout”]
Could even be a test on her part to see if you are committed to her. She goes seeing her ex, hoping you’ll chase after her and stop her. You don’t have to go all caveman-stalker on her. But you just need to communicate to her in a romantic Korean soap-opera fashion that you are not comfortable with it.[/quote]
Sure, but if she is genuinely close to him, your reaction is a bummer for her… So you could either be dealing with woman who is testing you, or you could be dealing with a woman who is genuinely close to her ex. Do you feel lucky, punk?
marboulette[/quote]
Yes that the problem with stepping into the trap…uhm…test.
Sometimes you get results not in your favor.
But at least you get clarity on where you stand in the relationship. And that is the first step to improving the relationship.
Because there are different ways to behave once you determine
a)She likes me more than ex
or
b)She likes ex more than me
Most people drive themselves crazy on trying to get clarity. Hoping something magical like a sign, yuan fen (karma), in those movies and soap operas sudden appears before them.
Well the secret to movies is that it is scripted and predictable. You just need to know what part of the script you’re on and perform according.
[quote=“djkonstable”]
I am just wondering what everyones opinions or experiences are with boyfriends/girfriends with ex’s as friends.
Does any one have exes as friends? If so how does that work for you?[/quote]
I’m friends or friendly with practically all of my ex’s, including ex-husband, who’s one of my best friends, four years after the divorce.
None of my boyfriends had a problem with that because it was obvious to them that they could trust me and that I had no feelings for any of the ex’s anymore. With those two conditions in place, I don’t see why that should be a problem.
The other way around is the same. I wouldn’t mind at all if he had a good relationship with his ex. In fact, I see it as a good trait in people. Shows maturity for one. Being indifferent or even hateful towards someone you’ve once loved is a strange concept to me.
Just read some of the other posts… and man, do some of you boys have insecurity issues! LOL
AC, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re in the dark ages with this relationship stuff, as far as I’m concerned. If you have to control her, then what happens in those moments when you don’t have complete control?
[quote=“tash”]Just read some of the other posts… and man, do some of you boys have insecurity issues! LOL
AC, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re in the dark ages with this relationship stuff, as far as I’m concerned. If you have to control her, then what happens in those moments when you don’t have complete control?[/quote]
Tash, you make me feel young again
Anyway, his relationship is in the dark ages because as far as I’m concerned, the majority of Taiwanese are in the dark ages when it comes to dating. Think ‘hello kitty, pink, 2-finger v-sign for photos, wanna call you every 10 minutes, miniskirts with high socks, squeeky voice like a japanese pornstar, throw-a-tantrum, where are you now?’
Anyway, over here I can only see their eyes.
Oh, I didn’t know AC dated a Taiwanese girl. In fact, I don’t know anything about his relationship other than his views on control, expressed in this thread.
When was that ever in question? Didn’t we just celebrate your 17th birthday last year?
[quote]
Anyway, over here I can only see their eyes.[/quote]
More sensual than the women’s fashion in Asia, I bet.
I bet EVERYONE on this thread would be incredibly surprised to find out that she was a western girl.
[quote=“ac_dropout”]
Well the secret to movies is that it is scripted and predictable. You just need to know what part of the script you’re on and perform according.[/quote]
I beg to differ. Your usage of the verb “perform” relates to acting or pretending, which is consistent with your opinion in this debate. In a movie it’s fine, but in a real relationship, it’s just plain dishonest.
[quote=“tash”]what happens in those moments when you don’t have complete control?[/quote]I suppose a collar with a bell and a leash would work fine.
marboulette
Wouldn’t make a difference if my SO is Taiwanese, ABC, or westerner.
The rules are pretty much the same if you want to maintain a healthy monogamous relationship.
I ponder my fantasy of finally being with my SO’s younger sister unhindered by the shackles my SO has put on me…sometimes out loud where she can hear me… 
A relationship only works if both parties agree to it.
It’s not about control, it is about communication and defining clearly what is the relationship.
djkonstable clearly stated in his post he defined his relationship as monogamous and having limited contact if any contact with his ex’s. His current gf obviously doesn’t feel the same way about the relationship. Ex sending valentine’s gift are meaningless to her?
People trying to play it off as a Taiwanese v. Foreigner culture thing are living in denial. This is not from the untested theory that males and females cannot be platonic friends. These are signs of someone trying to get back in your gf panties. Unless you have an open relationship with her, it is not uncalled for to have warning bells ringing in your head.
Cultivating passion is not the same as building and maintaining a long-term relationship. And in some healthy relationships there is no reason those things need to come from the same person. But is this what djkonstable had in mind in his relationship? Letting some gelding bring the mare to heat, while the stallion takes on the bedroom burden.
Sure I would advocate being honorable, opening an honest line of communication to maintain the relationship. But if it is determined that she is playing games (meaning not innocent games where you’re suppose to feint jealousy to make her feel special). You really only have a few options left, walking away being one of them.
Or you can do the Korean drama thing and let the love triangle fester for 100 episodes, until everyone is too bored of the whole incident to even care who ends up with who anymore.
Tyc00n,
Just because you’re having a tough time cracking the code in dating a Tai-mei, don’t go raining on other people’s parade.
Airheads are not restricted to Taiwan; they exist as the Essex girl in the UK, and Blondes in the US.
High maintenance and not prone to monogamy. But as long as one is aware what one is getting oneself into, the relationship can still be mutually benefinicial, even if short lived.
Like tash, I am friends with many exs. They are mostly pretty cool people, otherwise I wouldn’t have been interested in going out with them in the first place. I don’t ‘delete’ people just because we break up, unless there was extreme shittiness on their part.
New boys can just grow a pair and live with it, or they are not for me. I am friends with one ex that I’ve known since I was fourteen, and I would dream of ending my friendship with him over a new boy. Is there a female version of ‘bros over hos’?.
I don’t cheat on my boyfriends with exes; that’s crappy.
[quote=“Buttercup”]Like tash, I am friends with many exs. They are mostly pretty cool people, otherwise I wouldn’t have been interested in going out with them in the first place. I don’t ‘delete’ people just because we break up, unless there was extreme shittiness on their part.
New boys can just grow a pair and live with it, or they are not for me. I am friends with one ex that I’ve known since I was fourteen, and I would dream of ending my friendship with him over a new boy. Is there a female version of ‘bros over hos’?.
I don’t cheat on my boyfriends with exes; that’s crappy.[/quote]
People like the above tend to harbour people who they think challenge them or people they think over rule them depending on the circumstances. Self worth is a bitch and this thread is a prime example of thereof.
DJ, they know what is what but they don’t know what is what…they just strut…what the fuck? Star 69 - Fatboy Slim. Enjoy your life dude. You sound young and have me pinning for 5 years ago. HA!