Girlfriend with an ex boyfriend as a friend

Life Dating & Relationships
41

Since I’m being panned as some Neanderthal control freak.

Would some of these ladies, who keep their ex around, like to share any interest stories of their ex breaking up with their gf, because they enjoyed spending time with their ex.

Or using their ex, to drive their current SO away, so not to look like a bad guy.

Not say any naughty have happened. But in cases like these perception usually becomes the reality. And that’s all that’s needed to remove oneself from a bind, while still smelling like roses.

Come on be honest now…

42

[quote=“ac_dropout”]Since I’m being panned as some Neanderthal control freak.

Would some of these ladies, who keep their ex around, like to share any interest stories of their ex breaking up with their gf, because they enjoyed spending time with their ex.

Or using their ex, to drive their current SO away, so not to look like a bad guy.

Not say any naughty have happened. But in cases like these perception usually becomes the reality. And that’s all that’s needed to remove oneself from a bind, while still smelling like roses.

Come on be honest now…[/quote]
First of all, why would you assume I wasn’t honest before? Just because you can’t imagine it, doesn’t mean other people aren’t really doing it.

You really don’t get it, do you?
If you’re able to have a healthy friendship with your ex and your current partner is mature and secure enough not to have a problem with it, then why on earth would there be scenarios such as the ones you come up with?

When you grow up you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

And that last paragraph I don’t even get.

But your adolescent attitudes are entertaining, I must admit. I wish someone had told me, I would have started paying attention to your posts sooner. I’ll definitely come back for more here :slight_smile:

I was going to say something to Monster’s post, but I don’t think I got it, to be honest, so I don’t want to risk it.

43

[quote=“tash”][quote=“ac_dropout”]Since I’m being panned as some Neanderthal control freak.

Would some of these ladies, who keep their ex around, like to share any interest stories of their ex breaking up with their gf, because they enjoyed spending time with their ex.

Or using their ex, to drive their current SO away, so not to look like a bad guy.

Not say any naughty have happened. But in cases like these perception usually becomes the reality. And that’s all that’s needed to remove oneself from a bind, while still smelling like roses.

Come on be honest now…[/quote]
First of all, why would you assume I wasn’t honest before? Just because you can’t imagine it, doesn’t mean other people aren’t really doing it.

You really don’t get it, do you?
If you’re able to have a healthy friendship with your ex and your current partner is mature and secure enough not to have a problem with it, then why on earth would there be scenarios such as the ones you come up with?

When you grow up you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

And that last paragraph I don’t even get.

But your adolescent attitudes are entertaining, I must admit. I wish someone had told me, I would have started paying attention to your posts sooner. I’ll definitely come back for more here :slight_smile:

I was going to say something to Monster’s post, but I don’t think I got it, to be honest, so I don’t want to risk it.[/quote]

Sure ya did. Relations like the ones mentioned in this thread are fleeting and exciting. So was your supposed response. Shit happens. Try, fuck it and move on if it doesn’t suit. Though, I’m 30 now…so…ARRRRGH. My birthday is on Sunday. I’m hurtin’. 30??? ME? cries

44

tash,

Because some people are seldom honest about relationships. Always feinting innocence or ignorance…
Yes in a perfect world, people behave perfectly. But that is also seldomly the case.

Sometimes a relationship fails because there is too much baggage and complexity involved in maintaining it. I think what the OP presented here is quickly developing into one of those cases.

45

[quote=“ac_dropout”]tash,

Because some people are seldom honest about relationships. Always feinting innocence or ignorance…
Yes in a perfect world, people behave perfectly. But that is also seldomly the case.[/quote]
Oh, i certainly didn’t claim to have behaved perfectly in my relationships. Oh, no, no, no.
I was only talking about one aspect of it - being friends with ex’s. What I said about it was honest.

And I STILL don’t understand what MONSTER said. Except that part that he dreads turning 30. I know you won’t get this just yet, but soon enough you’re going to start to love it. Thirties are so much better than twenties. And it just keeps getting better.

46

[quote=“tash”][quote=“ac_dropout”]tash,

Because some people are seldom honest about relationships. Always feinting innocence or ignorance…
Yes in a perfect world, people behave perfectly. But that is also seldomly the case.[/quote]
Oh, i certainly didn’t claim to have behaved perfectly in my relationships. Oh, no, no, no.
I was only talking about one aspect of it - being friends with ex’s. What I said about it was honest.

And I STILL don’t understand what MONSTER said. Except that part that he dreads turning 30. I know you won’t get this just yet, but soon enough you’re going to start to love it. Thirties are so much better than twenties. And it just keeps getting better.[/quote]

I crush you…like bug. Eh, this hamburger is good! F.com and my neighbors think I’m nuts. Gigantic white man, singing stupid songs while running down an ally at 1/4 to 6 in the morning. Gnight. I need to get this done…catch up with you later. Peace.

47

[quote]Oh, i certainly didn’t claim to have behaved perfectly in my relationships. Oh, no, no, no.
I was only talking about one aspect of it - being friends with ex’s. What I said about it was honest. [/quote]

All I am saying is that a friendship with an ex, might negatively impact a relationship with a person’s current SO.

Of course it is a case-by-case situation.

But to say that this SO is immature to feel jealous, also seems somewhat irresponsible and selfish.

Monster,

30 is a piece of cake…join the club.

48

THe general rule is:

An ex is not an ex til they are out of the picture.

49

I think ac_dropout is being grossly misinterpreted.

If you go back and read Eclectic’s post, you’ll see that ac_dropout is quite mild in comparison.

I agree with the following statments:

[quote=“ac_dropout”]

But given the case that is presented here, a new relationship, where things are still tentative, why put yourself in a situation that can be misinterpreted?

My advise is based on the premise that this woman is a keeper and you want her to know that the relationship is exclusive on an on going basis.

Could even be a test on her part to see if you are committed to her.[/quote]

This was all said before dj told us about the girl he fancies receiving flowers from her ex.

Sure, if someone wants to stay friends with an ex that’s fine. But if the ex starts to infringe on the friendship “boundaries” (as dj nicely put it) then concerns or mild jealousy are normal human feelings.

I’ve definitely been a situation where it was clear that I liked someone more than they liked me. Maybe it was because she wasn’t able to commit to what I was looking for, or maybe it was just poor timing on both our parts. Or maybe it was because she was deciding between 2 boys that both have positive qualities.

A friend once said something that stuck in my head: “Men choose a woman that they love the most; women choose the man that loves them the most.”

Good luck to dj and I’m glad to hear that at least you’re arriving at some clarity and things are “on the table” as you said.

Give us an update as things unravel further.

50

[quote=“M0NSTER”][quote=“Buttercup”]Like tash, I am friends with many exs. They are mostly pretty cool people, otherwise I wouldn’t have been interested in going out with them in the first place. I don’t ‘delete’ people just because we break up, unless there was extreme shittiness on their part.

New boys can just grow a pair and live with it, or they are not for me. I am friends with one ex that I’ve known since I was fourteen, and I would dream of ending my friendship with him over a new boy. Is there a female version of ‘bros over hos’?.

I don’t cheat on my boyfriends with exes; that’s crappy.[/quote]

People like the above tend to harbour people who they think challenge them or people they think over rule them depending on the circumstances. Self worth is a bitch and this thread is a prime example of thereof.
[/quote]

Eh? Self worth? Mine is pretty good. It goes up and down depending on how I behave towards others, but it ain’t really connected with boy stuff. If it were, how could I ever be single? Don’t really understand your point. Are you saying my self esteem is high or low or theirs is/isn’t, or their partners? Oof.

None of my exes have problems with their wives or gfs because of me. We are genuinely friends. Friends are important to me. If they went out with weirdo losers who can’t deal with them having coffee (I don’t mean going for a week in Thailand with me or something!), then I’m sure they wouldn’t choose to be with those kind of freaky girls anyway.

51

I think some people are missing the point.
Yes ex’s can be in a platonic friendly relationship, without being a detriment to the other relationships with SO.

However, in this case (this case of the OP who made this thread), the new monogamous relationship where there is a lingering ex giving Valentine’s Day gift, there is a problem.

But who knows maybe the world would be a better place if SO’s got multiple Valentine’s Day gift from various suitors past and present…

52

If I meet someone who hates/is disliked by all of their ex’s, I would think it was a bit strange.

Not that they should invite their ex over for dinner 3 nights a week either, but it just seems like a person who ends all of their relationships badly might be more likely to do it again.

Of course, it could just be bad luck, but if there’s a long line of angry ex’s, it seems to suggest that something is not quite right.

53

Well then you bring up another golden rule to dating.

Don’t go out with people that have too many or too few relatonships compared to yourself.

If you have a string of ex’s and your SO has a string of ex’s, at least you know where each side is coming from in the relationship.

54

Well everything worked out. She is stepping back from the ex and allowing some time and space for us to start our new relationship. She is friends with her other exes and talks to them. I have no problem with that and I think that it is cool.

I told her once she and her current ex have some space I don’t have a problem with them being friends. She agreed that they need space, boundaries weren’t established, and she wasn’t even sure what to do about the ex until I gave her some perspective and gave her some tools to deal with him.

So if she decides to be friends with him later and he can maintain the friendship boundaries it will be good. If he can’t maintain those boundaries then I know she will handle it in the appropriate way. BTW I am getting close enough to 30 too haha and so is she.