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Horny Guy in Taipei
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Um, you can’t do that in here.
I took an “I Speak English” taxi to Tianmu to meet Henry for dinner at Alleycats and had three pints of cider. He told me about a chick in Kending he met camping. Then he’s like, “By the way, our friend Gungho ate a chick out on the bar at Carnegies.
I got back to Taiplex in time to listen to the sticky shrill of the violin being practiced from the 2nd floor, and called Zag to confirm the story about Gungho. Henry, Zag and Derick were all there to witness it. Zag told me, “One minute there’s this hotty in a tight white dress and like most people, Derick and I are looking at her because she’s ridiculously hot and you can see her nipples pressing through and she’s dancing on the bar sexy and keeps going down onto her honkers (like squatting), right in the middle of the bar. She comes down and basically sits right down and shows everyone she has no knickers on and is perfectly shaven, then stands up again. So she keeps doing this and looking at people seductively and Gungho, who is standing near her, stands directly below looking up at her. She looks at Gungho as she goes from squatting to standing and running her hands all over herself. Next time she did it Gungho was very close and got right down and tucked his face right in there. This time she doesn’t go back up again and starts properly enjoying it and he sorta readjusts his head for a better angle. She finally fell to her butt and wrapped her legs around his head.
At this point everyone is staring, wondering “What the f**k?”. Even the music stopped. It was a deathly silent moment. I was gobsmacked and all heads were in that direction. After a while I started to look at peoples expressions just because I have an odd voyeur obsession with Carnegies and I could see the DJ, well confused, looking at me but only because I was in the way of his view of what was happening. Then behind Gungho, I could see Liam, the bouncer, walking slowly up with a sort of wry smile on his face, mixed with a chuckle. He slowly goes up and leans over and has a word in Gungho’s ear. I was right there, so I heard something like ‘You cant really do that in here.’ but he was semi laughing. Then all of a sudden Gungho just pulls his head away and turns away with a Cheshire grin like the clever cat that got the cream. She climbs off the bar a bit embarrassed and shocked and runs straight up to the DJ, her soon to be ex “boyfriend” by the looks of things, and hugs him.”
Gungho became a legend after that. There was even a short-lived foreigner band called “Gungho” touring Taipei after that.
I got a little sex crazed from his story and walked out of there with a boner, laser eye-balling every female on the MRT train. No chick dare take on my stare. It had been a while for me, and I just wanted to have sex with any female.
At that point, I would have f***ed Monica’s boss Cat. I didn’t love her, but I’d say anything just to get down her pants. Primal urges had removed any earlier form of gentlemanship. I was stalking the streets with a new hunger, looking in every window. There was potential everywhere.
My groove was broken when I went to the wrong 7-11 and experienced reverse discrimination. I was getting frustrated trying to communicate with the guy about how much I had to spend to get another free Hello Kitty magnet, and he’s pulling this “I’m not sure, next customer!” and there’s this line behind me. Finally I had to start banging on the counter to get his attention. “I’m next. I’m the next customer!” I screamed, then I continued pounding my hand on the counter. It’s time to leave Taiwan when you find yourself throwing fits in 7-11s for Hello Kitty giveaways. I’ve seen people whining for less though. Just remember if they have the offer again that purchasing a 1.75 liter bottle of Absolute Vodka and a pint of Häagen-Dazs Rocky Road equals ten Hello Kitty Magnets.