He cheated, I'm ashamed. What's up with that?!

Repeat to yourself: I was never, and am not responsible for his behavior. His behavior had nada to do with me. Do that until the light bulb clicks on.

Of course you feel betrayed. Own those feelings, as you have a right. But you’re really smart to see how owning them too long can own you.
All I can say about betrayal, and I’ve had a lot of it, is just realize that it had nothing to do with moi (the behavior part), forgive and get the lesson from this.

Perhaps this love affair was there to teach you your value.

Good luck.

Betrayal at the core.

Perhaps the shame is associated with not accepting somewhere along the line that your intuition was sending off smoke signals and you chose to look the other way?
Who would want to admit that to themselves?
Feeling like a fool for TRUSTING another? What is a relationship based on, if not Trust at a fundamental level.

Cheating and lying are bedfellows…so a double whammy in the making.

In the end, he did you a favor, he deselected himself from your company in life.
[ better sooner than later with kids in the picture]

Sorry for your pain. Been there.

I think the sexes react in viscerally different ways to betrayal in relationships due to differing societal expectations.

Traditionally, throughout history and across cultures, a woman has been regarded as the man’s property. She moves out of her household and into her husband’s family. She loses her name and takes on his name, for example, Mrs. Filandering Arsehole. She becomes the relationship. Culture makes a woman feel that the relationship is a critique on her ability to: run a household, raise kids, keep the husband satisfied, etc. The onus of familial happiness is on the woman. The relationship is an all-encompassing sphere of societal judgement openly visible to all those who wish to rate the family and the woman.

For men, it’s completely different. The major societal yardstick is a man’s ability to materially provide for his family. This is especially true in Asia. Greater China is not a historically monogamous culture. Monogamy is a fairly new western imposition on several thousand years of concubines, mistresses and multiple wives. In greater China, as long as you can provide for your family, sexual indiscretions are to be expected.

Chinese women have it incredibly bad. Not only do they have to deal with the culturally imposed shame of their partner’s wanderings, they have to put up with everyone in their family telling them to stick with the man! It’s freaking nuts. If anyone wonders why there are so many beautiful, single women over 30 in greater China it’s because of this. Greater Chinese culture allows men to cheat as widely and deeply as they can afford (as long as they save enough for their family) and the men can expect BOTH sets of parents (his and the in-laws) to support him by preventing the woman from getting divorced. Many women decide that it just isn’t worth it and don’t get married. Hence the insane number of imported wives from the Vietnamese/Phillipine/mainland rural countryside to make up for the “lost” local wives.

Maybe the feelings of shame come not from inside, but are a projection from outside. I’d consider any feelings of shame to be culturally defective baggage that should be thrown out with the trash (along with the boyfriend).

Ashamed at yourself for being fooled by him, or ashamed because you failed to have (and maintain) a successful relationship (as would be expected by your mother/friends, etc.)? [I suspect the second]

Either way, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Try to imagine this had happened to one of your bestest friends. In your opinion, would they have anything to be ashamed of? Or imagine you were your mother’s age, and this happened to your daughter. In your opinion would she (the daughter) have anything to be ashamed of?

Obviously, the answer’s “no” on all counts. The problem is that you are not seeing it from the outside.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Tell your mum asap (over a meal containing potatoes would be the perfect time to do this) and remove this heavy weight from your shoulders.

Now if it had been a relationship with Irishstu. Now THAT would have been truly shameful. See? There’s always someone worse off than yourself.

Wow! What a difference a day makes! Yesterday I was still weighed down by this and nervous about talking about it, but today I feel so relieved.

Thank you SO much for all the replies, both here and in private. Some of thiis stuff is already helping in making things clearer. I will take more time to think about it and will get back to you. Especially on the pony vs. donkey thing, I have yet to understand the depths of that one.

Do you not know the joke?

[quote]MAKE THE DONKEY LAUGH

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.

The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and “if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.”

The man says, “I can do it!” So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars.” The man says, “ok I’ll do it!”

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, “How did you make the donkey laugh?”

The man looks at the bartender and says, “Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did”.

“How did you make him cry?” asks the bartender?
“Well I showed him.” [/quote]

Now do you see why a naked, prancing Sandman would have the pony laughing and tash crying?

In this case, a joke along the same lines – your ex and the donkey: who’s the bigger ass? – might also be appropriate. :laughing:

wow, tash, you’re that old, and you’ve never been betrayed before? You’re one lucky broad.

But like MT said, you probably feel weird, because either you think you may be partly to blame, you feel like a fool for not seeing it, or you could have prevented it somehow. Again, per MT, prob all Jedi mind tricks you are doing to yourself.

Jaysus! They must do pony trekking differently over there in Canada.

So wait… this pony/donkey thing isn’t the same as the difference between small cows and far away cows?

Canadians apparently interfere with horses’ willies when they go pony trekking.
And Tash is the one feeling ashamed!
It’s a world turned upside down, I tell you.

Well hey, lest we forget this is a public board that he who will not be named may read:

Go fuck yourself, you shit.

Hehe!

I wuz thinking it, Surly.

[quote=“Buttercup”]Hehe!

I wuz thinking it, Surly.[/quote]
Seriously, when I think of how HWMNBN carried himself when he was here, and now he turns out to be a cock with ears and no balls…blargh :bluemad:

oh, btw, your sig sucks Bcup. Way beneath you sweetums.

I know, I know. Childish desire to point out the obvious. Unfortunately, ze new system isn’t letting me edit. Times out.

Lord only knows what the frog is all about.

Whoa, guys! I do appreciate the loyalty, but I want to keep it clean here, please.

Feel free to tell me anything you want by PM/email, and by all means, should you run into him, feel free to express your thoughts.

Aw, honey, people are just mad for you.

Maybe one day when I’m feeling gassy.

Betrayal-the only cure is revenge.

So go out and live a wonderful, accomplished life and learn to love and trust again. Your revenge will be in having a wonderful life and falling in love again.

…if that doesn’t work get your uncles to give you some unused anti-personal mines-not that French made shit- the stuff we sold to you guys and we’ll reenact some scenes from the movie Saw.
p.s.
Did grandma sell her Kalishnikov?

[quote]Betrayal-the only cure is revenge.

So go out and live a wonderful, accomplished life and learn to love and trust again. Your revenge will be in having a wonderful life and falling in love again.

[/quote]
Excellent…and from YOU?

jaw
drop
floor