Help me to improve my essay, please!?

Hiya folks
I am really blind when it comes to things I wrote. I recently wrote my first ever English essay and itā€™s not perfect. The thing is, I need it to be perfect. Iā€™ve already got someone to correct it for me. But the range of vocabulary I used is too average. The sentences are plain too. If anyone can be really nicely of giving me some advice, you would be my life saver! Any word or sentence that can be fancier or better is welcome. Thanks in advance :bow:

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a childā€™s development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Parents and friends are the most important things in our life. We have spent most of the time with parents since we were born. Until the day we started school, we make friends and spend more and more time with them. Before we leave home, both of them influenced us in different ways.

There is no doubt that the influence of parents is great, for instance, the outdoor loving parents often have child who loves outdoor activities and vice versa. Child sees parents as the role model, he learn the value of life from them, sees the world the parents create for him.

When school started, we began to spend more time with friends than with parents which opens a new world. People might tend to make similar-minded friends, however, there are great chances we can come across various types of people who can influence our life significantly. When we left home, friends become the most important people whom we rely on.

In my opinion, friends have much more influence than parents because of the amount of time we have spent with friends is often higher. We do things with friends which parents are not able to do, say things to friends we do not tell parents due to the thought of not worrying them. And the reality is, parents often leave our life earlier than friends. It would be a delight to have both, but I think having trustworthy friends is the greatest treasure we can ever own.

Well ā€¦ the best advice I can give you is ā€œnever use a long word where a short word will doā€. I know Taiwanese academics love to blather and use as much jargon as possible so that nobody can understand what the hell theyā€™re talking about, but thatā€™s not the way itā€™s done in English. The aim of writing is to communicate, not to show off how clever we are.

Ideas and content matter more than presentation. Although your essay is only short and has some mistakes in grammar and sentence construction, you express yourself clearly and succinctly. Youā€™ve used the right words in the right places. You have the makings of a good writer.

If your teacher only awards marks for using obscure words then he is an idiot and should be fired, and preferably dunked in a big vat of rancid 臭豆腐 for good measure. Donā€™t go through life trying to please idiots.

I donā€™t know how old you are or at what level you are studying, but your essay is fine as it is. Submit it, examine the teacherā€™s comments, and practice. Whatā€™s the point in getting it ā€œperfectā€ if itā€™s not even yours? Whereā€™s the fun in that?

Check your essay for punctuation (a couple of your commas should be semicolons), missing or incorrect articles (A/the), inappropriate prepositions and conjunctions (and, then, of etc), and donā€™t change tense halfway through a sentence. That will get you ā€˜almost perfectā€™ :slight_smile:

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See your message inbox, Yamei, I was in a bit of an editing mood.

By the way, you owe me NT$10000. :smiley:

Fancy words are like salt: too many fancy words will spoil an essay, just like too much salt will spoil a dish. Use them sparingly and judiciously. Remember: less is more. Itā€™s always best to use simple language and to communicate your ideas clearly, concisely, explicitly and unambiguously.

You have a very good basis. A few minor comments:

ā€œParents and friends are the most important things in our [color=#0000FF]lives[/color].ā€

ā€œ[color=#FF0000]Until[/color] the day we start school, we make friends and spend more and more time with them.ā€ This is a very common mistake among Taiwanese. The word ā€œuntilā€ is actually similar to ā€œbeforeā€. A better word would be ā€œsinceā€. Or, you could say ā€œBut when we start going to school, we begin making friends and spending more time with them.ā€

In the following sentences, you should use semicolons instead of commas:

ā€œThere is no doubt that the influence of parents is great[color=#0000FF];[/color] for instance, the outdoor loving parentsā€¦ā€

ā€œPeople might tend to make similar-minded friends[color=#0000FF];[/color] however, there are great chancesā€¦ā€

Golly!! I couldnā€™t have asked for more. Thanks so much for the replies. I am really really touched :slight_smile:
I thought Iā€™d be ingnored when I posted my essay. Now I see the light in the life. Itā€™s a wonderful world.
Thank Chris for pointing out my mistakes. Thatā€™s really helpful.
Thank finley for letting me know my essay isnā€™t bad after all. That makes me feel so much better.
And thank jimipresley for editing my essay. You are absolutely godsend. I hope I can find a way paying you back that NT$1000 :astonished:
By the way, I needed it to be ā€œperfectā€ is because itā€™s for my ielts test and I have been worried sick about it. Iā€™ve actually paid someone to edit it for me but it isnā€™t good at all. The ā€œteacherā€ only pointed out the grammar mistakes in my first paragraph and gave me estimate band of 5.5 which is totally unacceptable. I need to get a band of 6.5. Thatā€™s a disappointment. Iā€™d love to pay you to edit my essay. Let me know how. Thanks a million!

Show some skin.

No worries, Yamei, I owed you one for laughing at my dumb joke a while back: Don't Hook Me Up :smiley:

Thereā€™s no such thing as a perfect essay.

Good luck!

I donā€™t understand, Yamei. When you take your IELTS exam you will have to write two essays without assistance. How will getting people to improve the essay you have produced here help you when you actually take the IELTS exam?

I could, hopefully :laughing: , knock up a 9.0 piece of writing for you which you could present to your teacher. How will that help you when you take the exam?

Thatā€™s what I was wondering. Apart from which, getting other people to do your test is commonly known as ā€œcheatingā€. Get a high score in your IELTS, get into a top university ā€¦ and suddenly youā€™re floundering. So it doesnā€™t work out anyway.

I am not trying to cheat whatsoever. I know Iā€™ll have to write two essays without any assistance whilst taking test.
Itā€™s just I need to know like what mistakes I made unconsciously. Which other ways can I make the essay better.
If I keep writing essays without knowing them, no matter how many have I written, they would be just as plain as the first one, if you get what I am saying here.
I have been an English learner for a very long time and Iā€™d always appreciate people who correct my English. Itā€™s the same thing here. Iā€™ve been reading lots of articles from those professional journalists from gaurdian.co.uk and believe me, they are not fun. And I know, Chris, thereā€™s no such thing as perfect essay! But by keep writing them and letting others correct them for me, I believe I can make them better eventually. Itā€™s only one baby step for me but at least I am trying. Thanks guys.

Ha. That just cracked me up again. Itā€™s indeed a funny one.

Cheating is OK. Like, just to get yer fooot in the door, like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apCtRg6mOVk

[quote=ā€œYameiā€]I am not trying to cheat whatsoever. I know Iā€™ll have to write two essays without any assistance whilst taking test.
Itā€™s just I need to know like what mistakes I made unconsciously. Which other ways can I make the essay better.
If I keep writing essays without knowing them, no matter how many have I written, they would be just as plain as the first one, if you get what I am saying here.
I have been an English learner for a very long time and Iā€™d always appreciate people who correct my English. Itā€™s the same thing here. Iā€™ve been reading lots of articles from those professional journalists from gaurdian.co.uk and believe me, they are not fun. And I know, Chris, thereā€™s no such thing as perfect essay! But by keep writing them and letting others correct them for me, I believe I can make them better eventually. Itā€™s only one baby step for me but at least I am trying. Thanks guys.[/quote]

britishcouncil.org/learning-ielts.htm

This link should be a start. Run some google searches for ā€˜IELTSā€™, plus the words ā€˜coherenceā€™ and ā€˜cohesionā€™.

When you write an essay for homework you should do the tasks within a limited time (Task 1 - 20 mins, Task 2 - 40 mins) without using a dictionary and without help. Your written homework should be where you find out what kind of mistakes you will make during the actual exam. Getting people to correct your writing is helpful, but grammatical errors are not the only area you need to work on. Remember, impressing your teacher now wonā€™t help you when you are in the examination hall.

Each time you receive a corrected essay back from your teacher try to find a couple of errors you make repeatedly and concentrate on eliminating those the next time you write. Take it in small steps and donā€™t try to write long sentences in the way you probably think native English speakers write. If a sentence can be broken down into two sentences, do it.

You are already reading a lot, which will really help your writing. Good luck!