Hiya folks
I am really blind when it comes to things I wrote. I recently wrote my first ever English essay and itās not perfect. The thing is, I need it to be perfect. Iāve already got someone to correct it for me. But the range of vocabulary I used is too average. The sentences are plain too. If anyone can be really nicely of giving me some advice, you would be my life saver! Any word or sentence that can be fancier or better is welcome. Thanks in advance
Some people say that parents have the most important role in a childās development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Parents and friends are the most important things in our life. We have spent most of the time with parents since we were born. Until the day we started school, we make friends and spend more and more time with them. Before we leave home, both of them influenced us in different ways.
There is no doubt that the influence of parents is great, for instance, the outdoor loving parents often have child who loves outdoor activities and vice versa. Child sees parents as the role model, he learn the value of life from them, sees the world the parents create for him.
When school started, we began to spend more time with friends than with parents which opens a new world. People might tend to make similar-minded friends, however, there are great chances we can come across various types of people who can influence our life significantly. When we left home, friends become the most important people whom we rely on.
In my opinion, friends have much more influence than parents because of the amount of time we have spent with friends is often higher. We do things with friends which parents are not able to do, say things to friends we do not tell parents due to the thought of not worrying them. And the reality is, parents often leave our life earlier than friends. It would be a delight to have both, but I think having trustworthy friends is the greatest treasure we can ever own.
Well ā¦ the best advice I can give you is ānever use a long word where a short word will doā. I know Taiwanese academics love to blather and use as much jargon as possible so that nobody can understand what the hell theyāre talking about, but thatās not the way itās done in English. The aim of writing is to communicate, not to show off how clever we are.
Ideas and content matter more than presentation. Although your essay is only short and has some mistakes in grammar and sentence construction, you express yourself clearly and succinctly. Youāve used the right words in the right places. You have the makings of a good writer.
If your teacher only awards marks for using obscure words then he is an idiot and should be fired, and preferably dunked in a big vat of rancid čč±č for good measure. Donāt go through life trying to please idiots.
I donāt know how old you are or at what level you are studying, but your essay is fine as it is. Submit it, examine the teacherās comments, and practice. Whatās the point in getting it āperfectā if itās not even yours? Whereās the fun in that?
Check your essay for punctuation (a couple of your commas should be semicolons), missing or incorrect articles (A/the), inappropriate prepositions and conjunctions (and, then, of etc), and donāt change tense halfway through a sentence. That will get you āalmost perfectā
Fancy words are like salt: too many fancy words will spoil an essay, just like too much salt will spoil a dish. Use them sparingly and judiciously. Remember: less is more. Itās always best to use simple language and to communicate your ideas clearly, concisely, explicitly and unambiguously.
You have a very good basis. A few minor comments:
āParents and friends are the most important things in our [color=#0000FF]lives[/color].ā
ā[color=#FF0000]Until[/color] the day we start school, we make friends and spend more and more time with them.ā This is a very common mistake among Taiwanese. The word āuntilā is actually similar to ābeforeā. A better word would be āsinceā. Or, you could say āBut when we start going to school, we begin making friends and spending more time with them.ā
In the following sentences, you should use semicolons instead of commas:
āThere is no doubt that the influence of parents is great[color=#0000FF];[/color] for instance, the outdoor loving parentsā¦ā
āPeople might tend to make similar-minded friends[color=#0000FF];[/color] however, there are great chancesā¦ā
Golly!! I couldnāt have asked for more. Thanks so much for the replies. I am really really touched
I thought Iād be ingnored when I posted my essay. Now I see the light in the life. Itās a wonderful world.
Thank Chris for pointing out my mistakes. Thatās really helpful.
Thank finley for letting me know my essay isnāt bad after all. That makes me feel so much better.
And thank jimipresley for editing my essay. You are absolutely godsend. I hope I can find a way paying you back that NT$1000
By the way, I needed it to be āperfectā is because itās for my ielts test and I have been worried sick about it. Iāve actually paid someone to edit it for me but it isnāt good at all. The āteacherā only pointed out the grammar mistakes in my first paragraph and gave me estimate band of 5.5 which is totally unacceptable. I need to get a band of 6.5. Thatās a disappointment. Iād love to pay you to edit my essay. Let me know how. Thanks a million!
I donāt understand, Yamei. When you take your IELTS exam you will have to write two essays without assistance. How will getting people to improve the essay you have produced here help you when you actually take the IELTS exam?
I could, hopefully , knock up a 9.0 piece of writing for you which you could present to your teacher. How will that help you when you take the exam?
Thatās what I was wondering. Apart from which, getting other people to do your test is commonly known as ācheatingā. Get a high score in your IELTS, get into a top university ā¦ and suddenly youāre floundering. So it doesnāt work out anyway.
I am not trying to cheat whatsoever. I know Iāll have to write two essays without any assistance whilst taking test.
Itās just I need to know like what mistakes I made unconsciously. Which other ways can I make the essay better.
If I keep writing essays without knowing them, no matter how many have I written, they would be just as plain as the first one, if you get what I am saying here.
I have been an English learner for a very long time and Iād always appreciate people who correct my English. Itās the same thing here. Iāve been reading lots of articles from those professional journalists from gaurdian.co.uk and believe me, they are not fun. And I know, Chris, thereās no such thing as perfect essay! But by keep writing them and letting others correct them for me, I believe I can make them better eventually. Itās only one baby step for me but at least I am trying. Thanks guys.
[quote=āYameiā]I am not trying to cheat whatsoever. I know Iāll have to write two essays without any assistance whilst taking test.
Itās just I need to know like what mistakes I made unconsciously. Which other ways can I make the essay better.
If I keep writing essays without knowing them, no matter how many have I written, they would be just as plain as the first one, if you get what I am saying here.
I have been an English learner for a very long time and Iād always appreciate people who correct my English. Itās the same thing here. Iāve been reading lots of articles from those professional journalists from gaurdian.co.uk and believe me, they are not fun. And I know, Chris, thereās no such thing as perfect essay! But by keep writing them and letting others correct them for me, I believe I can make them better eventually. Itās only one baby step for me but at least I am trying. Thanks guys.[/quote]
This link should be a start. Run some google searches for āIELTSā, plus the words ācoherenceā and ācohesionā.
When you write an essay for homework you should do the tasks within a limited time (Task 1 - 20 mins, Task 2 - 40 mins) without using a dictionary and without help. Your written homework should be where you find out what kind of mistakes you will make during the actual exam. Getting people to correct your writing is helpful, but grammatical errors are not the only area you need to work on. Remember, impressing your teacher now wonāt help you when you are in the examination hall.
Each time you receive a corrected essay back from your teacher try to find a couple of errors you make repeatedly and concentrate on eliminating those the next time you write. Take it in small steps and donāt try to write long sentences in the way you probably think native English speakers write. If a sentence can be broken down into two sentences, do it.
You are already reading a lot, which will really help your writing. Good luck!