She walked into my K5 class to be my TA…I had never seen such a smile…if you believe in love at first sight, then this was it…
But reality, unlike love, is chock-a-block full of common sense and I knew this middle-aged, mid-paunched muddler didn’t stand a ghost of a chance, no matter what the fortune teller may have told.
As the months passed, her smile melted my core…her smile was as deep as it could get…not a mean or disingenuous intent possessed she. But she was only twenty-three…far too young or me…
I tested the waters…asked her for some help with this or that…then glory of glories…she invited me out…for coffee and salsa dance lessons…
PAUSE FOR SOME EXPOSITION
I returned to Taiwan in April of last year disgraced and humiliated…my recently married bride had run off in the middle of the night…details are unneccessary suffice it to say that circumstances were beyond our control…nevertheless, I was crushed that April and by September (the time of my angel’s invitation) was just getting back to being myself…had dated a little…was content (pretty much) in the workplace and basically regaining my confidence…then, out of the blue…SHE asks me out… :shock:
Innocent enough…she had asked others too…but I was the only interested party…Duuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!
Innocent enough that I still hung onto the reality-based aspect of thought…No WAY in hell is this woman interested in me…
She gave me a lift home…she parked and came in to see my new place…we talked…I made some tea…we talked some more…
Have you ever woken up and not remembered the details of the night before…not just the fine points…but the big stuff? I, to this day, can remember making the tea…I remember nary a jot of what we talked about nor what we did…I can remember sensations and colours and waking up…best of all…of waking up…the fog of the previous eve dawned on the reality of HER…beside me!
And there she stayed…for almost 6 months…the greatest 6 months of my life…and out of 504, I have had very close to 500 great months…and these 6 were each standout memories…
And as you have probably surmised from grammar and syntax, we are no more…
I counted each day as a blessing…this new love-tempered edge of reality-based thought allowed me to totally, unconditionally love this woman and to accept the day it, inevitably, ended…ok…ok…I haven’t 100% accepted it yet…but I have been able to let go…we are still friends and we talk about possibilities…and therein lies my conundrum and my raison d’etre of this posting…
Yes I love her!
Yes, she says she loves me!
Yes, she broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone…nothing personal…other than the smoking…but that is easily changeable.
She is encouraging me to date, which I have tried a couple of times but can’t maintain any interest cuz I’d rather wait for her…at least until she starts dating someone else…then I could get that magic elixir of closure…
BUT!!!
In the meantime we still have long late night talks on the phone and romantic dinner/movie dates…but whenever the subject of togetherness is discussed, her resolution is a resounding “no”. Even the idea of a vacation to Thailand together has more possibility than the idea of us ever going back to that g/f&b/f thang. She has even suggested that I move in with her but under a platonic caveat…I flatly rejected this as impossible and told her so…am I missing the boat here? Was the caveat part of a “good girl” face-saving measure?
That she wants to explore other romantic opportunities I can accept…I have had a modest number of lovers in my life, each of whom have added to this great gift that is Toe Save, so why shouldn’t she experience what others have to offer…I am confident enough, not only in my, shall we say, expertise in the matters of “amour” but in that 90% of you bozos out there (u know who I am talking about) are such testosterone driven, little head thinkin, possessive, prevaricatin’ pricks that you would only send her running back to me all the sooner if you ever had the great fortune to meet my love.
I want to know why she rejects any notion of togetherness…she can’t give me a reason…can you, dear Forumosan ladies or the 10% of Forumosan males I didn’t insult last paragraph, shed any light vis-a-vis cultural signals I am missing? What I can’t understand, given the “three no” principle and the cultural differences and all the what-not and hooey over “The Rules” et al…what’s a poor-love sick puppy like me to do…cut bait and move on…or wait…at least for her to start a relationship with someone else…I can do that…but do you, fellow Forumosans, think I’d be wasting precious time (504 months old right?)? I know there are many other intelligent, kind, sexy women out there, but, in my mind right now, she is worth waiting for.
signed
Toe-tied in Love