How do all your long-timers cope with knowing you’ll spend the rest of your life live living here ? I don’t think I can handle it any more, I have a job I hate, but no career, never had a pay raise in the decade I’ve been here, only a pay cut. I don’t have what you can call a life. I don’t speak Chinese, I don’t have the time, besides, noone else speaks it anymore. If I went back home, I’m sure I could carve out some sort of career and life for myself, at least I can speak the language and people don’t try to kill me on a daily basis and I do have some rights. But that’s not an option with an option with a wife (who is the sole reason I’m here) who doesn’t want to live there. And I don’t want to hurt anyone, and we get along ok, but not brilliantly, not like everyone here who talks about their perfect marriage.
I’m on medication just to lower the stress of just being here, and sleep is impossible without pills. I don’t need any pills when I back home (this place can never be home)
The only feasable way out I can see is to take a month of pills at once, then it will all go away, I can’t handle living here for the rest of my life.
:help:
Francis,
What I am going to say is going to sound harsh and for that I apologize. But the worst thing I could give you is a shoulder to cry on.
If you can’t handle being in Taiwan any more then get out. It is that simple. If your life here is so terrible then get up off your ass and do something about it. I have seen it too many times before…people staying longer that what they have a tolerance for. And those people have gone down some very slippery slopes. I shit you not.
You have to make the change. You have to grab whoever is in charge by the balls and scream in his or her ear, “I am not happy and I am going to do something about it!”
Gosh, I sound like that Anthony Robbins dude.
Keep your head up and it will all work out.
19 September 2006.
There I’ve said it and I feel better already. The above is the date by which I WILL leave Taiwan, and having a deadline is a wonderful way of focusing the mind.
If you’re deliriously happy in your marriage then you’ll work it out. If you’re not then why are you still in it? Inertia, probably. Fear of making a decision? Just as likely. It’s easy to sit there and bitch, because it’s all someone else’s fault. It’s hard to take action and be responsible for whatever happens after.
Leave. Give her the option of going with you if you want to take her with you. Or leave without her. Or shut up and learn to live with the choice YOU have made. The people who are happy here have their own reasons. The ones who don’t like it have left or are planning to leave.
Some people, like me, are reasonably happy and have no complaints really but are planning to leave anyway - probably to avoid making non-decisions through inertia, fear, or apathy. Default decisions are bad decisions.
Hope this helps.
[quote=“Francis”] The only feasable way out I can see is to take a month of pills at once, then it will all go away, I can’t handle living here for the rest of my life.
:help:[/quote]
Why is that the only feasible way out when you also make the following statement?
I think you know what to do, but you are in such a rut and routine that you are scared to make the change. My advice: tell the wife you love her (if you, in fact, do love her), but that you can’t live here anymore, you are miserable and do not want to spend the rest of your life unhappy. Geez, man, we get one shot at this thing called life (well, maybe more if you believe in reincarnation) so we better do all we can to make it a good one.
Perhaps you are a bit isolated in Taiwan and needed to vent your frustration on Forumosa because you have no other outlet. However, suicide is not an option, Francis. I hope you were only kidding about the pills. There are too many great things about life to throw it all away out of fear. Change can be a great thing, it can give you a sense of empowerment, which you seem to lack right now.
Leave Taiwan, Francis. Go home to your native land, spend time with your family, let them know you need a little help and get control over your life. Damn, even ask your wife for help. Does she know that you are this miserable?
It sound like you are very isolated. When was the last time you went out somewhere without the wife? I mean with other westerners. Maybe a beer or two and a good old moan with people who aren’t Taiwanese (and maybe have some understanding of how you feel) may do you some good. But, maybe a skin full of beer and a chat without talking about the misery at home/work would be just as good. There should be a Forumosa Happy Hour sometime soon. Go on and give yourself a break from it all, go out and have a little fun.
If you have an OK marriage, your missus should be able to understand that you need to get out of Taiwan at least for some time and try out life back home. After all, you are on medication and you are very unhappy. If she really loves you, she will understand.
My situation one year ago was a bit like yours, with the difference that I speak the language, and i don’t hate being here.
My marriage was a disaster, barring my 2 beautiful daughters. I was caught in a horrible job in a small Taiwanese company, where the boss was crazy and the biggest prick I ever met. as a foreigner getting anything else than regular English teaching was a pain, and I did not want to pursue that route anyways. I felt trapped, living off a too small salary, could not see another or better job popping up, and i was terribly lonely. I did not see a way out.
I thought about getting out of Taiwan but my wife did not want to leave. Also, she more or less lived with the kids at the inlaws place leaving me brooding alone. (there were a host of other problems in our mismatch as well, but let’s leave them aside for now.)
OK, one day I woke up and felt… OK something’s gotta give and it’s not going to be me.
I quit the job and started a small company, based on an idea, which by accident flew my way. It’s not a goldmine, but with luck it will support me OK once it gets stabilized.
i then told my wife that we were to give our marriage everything and just try to stay together at all times and live like a more or less normal family. If she left me alone again because she preferred to live with her family, the marriage would be over, period, and I would move on in life.
My marriage ended 2 weeks later.
OK, this is a few months ago, and I can make an early status on my life:
- I am running a one-person startup out of my house, constantly hunting for orders and suppliers. I don’t have a stable order flow as yet.
- I have an ex-wife calling me up for money once per month.
- I work my arse off, and only in glimpses do I have something good to show for it.
- I am so much happier than I was a year ago. I am honest to myself, I can see that things are happening, and that despair which han like a cloud over my life a year ago has loosened up a great deal. I see my clildren more and understand them better.
- I also realize that the company I have started has the potential to do well, once I get a good and big contact network up and running, so it’s nose on grindstone for a few more years till it really takes off.
Francis, you have choices to make now. before you even consider emptying that pill glass, you should sit down and write down what you want in life, and try to plot routes to achieve those goals. Think of yourself first, you are the desperate one and you are the one, who needs help now.
Combine Roach’s advice with Mr He’s and you’ll have a solution.
Go out with some buddies. Get really drunk. Then work out what you want from life.
If you don’t have any buddies then I’ll lend you some of mine for the evening. I know a few philosophical drunks.
You might also consider getting a dog.
Stragbasher wrote [quote]If you don’t have any buddies then I’ll lend you some of mine for the evening. I know a few philosophical drunks. [/quote]
Oh great, you’ve started up a Rent-a-Drunk service. Can I work for you?
Anyway, I’m not sure that Francis is living in Taipei.
Francis,
Seeing as how much time you’ve served here, it’s reasonable to ask your wife to try living in the West for a few years.
Two questions: Where do you live? Have you got any kids?
Hi Francis,
Get out of here now, beg or borrow the funds if necessary. Don’t spend Christmas here.
Get back to whatever place is comfortable in your home country, preferably family.
You can then review what is happening in your life and make rational decisions.
Also, you are talking about things and that is a big help. The fact that you have a suicide method in mind is not something to be taken lightly by anybody. I note that you have already been given some really good advice.
I am heading off in 2 weeks and counting down the days and getting happier each day. Funny thing was 3 months ago I was missing Taiwan after 2 weeks in Australia and could not wait to get back. I must admit to being a little confused about where I should be. I hope this trip helps clarify things.
Michael.
Francis,
In all likelihood you’d have felt like this regardless of where you lived. Don’t blame your circumstances on where you are. I did that for a year and it was the most miserable year I’ve ever had–no suprises that those 12 months were in Taiwan.
Three years later and I’m still here and having one of the best years I’ve ever had.
The trick is to stop thinking that Taiwan is a shithole devoid of opportunity in every imaginable sphere. In fact, Taiwan is loaded with fantastic chances to improve one’s lot. But it’s not for me or anyone else to tell you what they are. We can’t, in fact, cause everyone’s fun (read success) is different.
Go and find: That’s the fun.
You’ll feel a lot better.
[quote=“almas john”]
Seeing as how much time you’ve served here, it’s reasonable to ask your wife to try living in the West for a few years.
Two questions: Where do you live? Have you got any kids?[/quote]
By all means tell us roughly where on the island you are. There’s more than one willing to sit down with you listening adn coming with a bit of advice.
Regarding the wifey thing… Well I remember that my ex missus vetoed a move to Taipei, even though i thought that it was reasonable, since I moved from Denmark to Taiwan for her. Not all women here see reasonability in the same way as we would do.
I ended up staying in Yangmei, but by then I my marriage was a wreck anyway.
Regarding the moment of clarity… My 2 miments of clarity which lead to me trying to change things completely around was reached in
- Hong Kong, February 204 (work).
- Denmark, July 2004 (Marriage).
Getting out over Christmas, preferably not bringing anyone but yourself, and then perhaps the kids might be the best way to get some clarity. It’s not too late to book tickets.
Man,
I feel you about your situation. But i do believe in the saying that “where ever you are there you are”. While I go thru periods of truly hating Taiwan, I know it’s not taiwan itself but generally the attitude I bring to it. Or what I’m making all the trouble mean. If you know for a fact that you need to be back from where you came from, then go and let the universe take care of everything. The best way to get out of a rut is to just make a decision and move foward with it. Everything falls into place. Always does. All that stress you have and not being able to sleep is you trying to supress your self. Remember= what you supress will express. So, you can keep down that road you know aint workin, or just step off it and say the "hell with this’ and make life enjoyable again. Best of luck cause I know you can do it!!!
I agree, Taiwan is not a shithole.
I currently live in the armpit. I don’t think Taiwan has a shithole geographically speaking.
Yes, unhappiness is mobile. I agree with Alleycat about this.
However, if you are standing by the side of the road and cars are running your feet over then moving a little will ease the pain. (I got the end of my foot run over by a turning car 2 weeks into my Taiwan stay. This was before I learned that cars have the right of way because they are bigger)
Francis, get out and get your head clear!
I’m not asking you to out your entire life here, but where do you live, how long have you been married, and do you have kids?
Given your current level of stress, a visit to the community services center seems like a good move, followed by an intensely pleasurable vacation…
You could move back home to be sure, but in the beginning it’s likely to cause even more stress (money, reverse culture shock, finding a decent job, housing, transportation, yada yada…) than you have currently.
Also, please come and meet some fellow forumosans at the next happy hour. Some fantastic people and many old-timers who have gone through the trials and tribulations of long-term existance in Taiwan. A simple sit down with some sympathetic people can do wonders for your outlook.
A move within Taiwan can also improve your mental state. I live on a hilltop with no tall buildings, no garbage trucks/morning vendors and lots of green. Makes Taiwan living a lot more enjoyable…Had I stayed in the city it’s likely I would have left long ago.
Find someone to talk to…And do it soon.
You’ve come to the right place…Welcome.
I don’t think most of us are stuck in the same way you are. Most of us are here because we want to be.
It sounds like you need to think – in a serious, methodical manner – about why you are unhappy and what would change that. Think about your future, what you want to do, where you want to be, and how you will change your situation to reach these goals.
Suicide is a permanent solution to what is, in your case, a temporary and solvable problem. If you’re really getting that desperate, go find counseling, set some goals, and work toward them. Don’t be one of the idiots who tries to fake it as a “cry for help”, since that can accidentally turn out to really be the end of it.
- Try to think positively - consider what it is that you have is good in life and appreciate that. That will help hold back some of the feelings of despair. Then,
- List the negative things that you wish you change.
- In the list, see what it is that makes it negative.
- Then you’ve got the beginnings of the solution to those negative things that you feel are holding you back from being happy. Because maybe those aren’t real, but emotion talking.
I think basically, as social beings, we crave and need social interaction with people like us. Your despair sounds like its born of isolation. I’d go and find me some foreigners. I’d then do some activities with them. If possible leave Taiwan for your home wherever that is.
It’s ok to reject Taiwan and curse it out. Probably some of it is really legitimate. You’re a foreigner after all and so not everything Taiwanese is suitable to you. That’s fine. I don’t think you need to love Taiwan. But I do think it’s important to have set goals in life and to have dates surrounding those goals. It’s a way to keep moving forward, not backward, sideways but forward.
GL,
[quote=“MJB”]A move within Taiwan can also improve your mental state. I live on a hilltop with no tall buildings, no garbage trucks/morning vendors and lots of green. Makes Taiwan living a lot more enjoyable…Had I stayed in the city it’s likely I would have left long ago.
[/quote]
The place MJB mentions above is the same place I am calling the armpit of Taiwan.
Note that this was a reference I picked up from an xpat who comes from Colorado so anything is probably not going to measure up to the rockies.
Also, I think he was referring to Yang Mei in general and not our little mountain top which is really wonderful as MJB describes.
Still, some amount of mobility is required as MJB mentions. He would not be happy in the city. So, location has some effect on happiness.
I get out every 3 months for a week or so and have been here 3 years so probably have a different mind set to long term residents such as MJB who is looking to a local solution.
He is probably right, being the rational person he is. Francis, maybe you should listen to MJB and I hope other posters have helped as well.
I’m only entering my third year here. I certainly don’t have the issues someone with a decade here would have. However, the title of this thread refers to how one copes with this place. I’ll share a few of my methods:
1)Quality of life. I think this is key. I try to avoid working too many hours and take days off when I need them. I also invest heavily in the sorts of things that make life a little more enjoyable.
2)Pets. One of the best coping mechanisms for me is my dog.
3)Exercise
- Finding the beautiful places you like in Taiwan and visiting them often. Method #2 gives me a good excuse to do this one. I have a dog that needs to get walked a lot so I look for good green spaces in which to do so. One great little hike is Ying Ge rock, about 20-30 form where I live. I always feel better about this place when I’ve been there.
5)Language study. I’m not one to condemn others if they haven’t learned Mandarin. Each person has their own set of circumstances. For some it isn’t an option; others simply don’t need it in their lives. Perhaps it is just me, or perhaps it is just a necessity in a place like Taoyuan, but one of the best decisions I made early on was enrolling in a language course. For me, the stress of being here is signifigantly reduced with a basic spoken/ reading ability in Mandarin.
I hope things work out for Francis.
Watch the movie “The Shawshank Redemption,” and listen to what Andy Dufresne says.
Favorite quote: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
It also helps to stare all of your fears in the face and scream “Fuck you!” at them as loudly and resolutely as possible. Fear is a killer. Reject it.
I like that Tomas. When you come to think of it there is absolutely nothing more debilating that fear.
What’s more though is that there is nothing to fear. Nothing.
As an aside, I’m reading “Fearless” the book that the excellent movie is based on, and as I’m turning the pages I’m realizing more and more that once one has come out of the dark there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. And I do mean nothing.