How does a TW woman break up with you?

I could easily make this a long post about my relationship with a TW woman living in the states but I will cut to the chase. How does a TW woman break up with you? I know this is generalizing TW women but I am a white American male who has watched what I thought were minor issues spiral out of control with her and all attempts at being honest and trying to work it out have seemingly damaged the relationship to the point where she went cold on me romantically.

Here’s what’s driving me nuts: she went from being with me romantically to cutting all of that out and wanting to be friends overnight. Literally. She didn’t even officially break up with me. I had to figure it out on my own and then get her to admit her feelings had changed. Of course my first reaction was to reject all contact with her. No one wants to be friend zoned a day after being involved with someone. Long story short, I am completely confused because now she is upset that I am acting like an “asshole” for not wanting to talk to her. My heart has been ripped out and she is upset because, and I quote, I could be handling this better. Which mean keeping our same routine, hanging out, being with her but not actually being WITH her.

She claims she is also upset but that she simply does not want to be in a relationship, “especially after all of the arguments.” Fine. It hurts but I can accept that. Then the next day she said she needed “space and time.” Code for break up, right? Then she wants to go to lunch with me like nothing is wrong?!

Is she playing a game? Am I supposed to be trying to win her back? All attempts are met with silence. Or is this really over and she can just be friends, just like that? I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANY help would be appreciated. I would be glad to go into more details.

Confused White Guy

Sorry to hear things aren’t working out.

In a perfect world I’d try something like this:

If her response is positive proceed as follows:

If your wants/needs match, can be catered to or compromised into the relationship then you’re good to go.

But yeah, in a perfect world. If something along these lines isn’t possible or if she isn’t interested in hashing it out, then move on. Life’s too short.

[quote=“Geex1”]I could easily make this a long post about my relationship with a TW woman living in the states but I will cut to the chase. How does a TW woman break up with you? I know this is generalizing TW women but I am a white American male who has watched what I thought were minor issues spiral out of control with her and all attempts at being honest and trying to work it out have seemingly damaged the relationship to the point where she went cold on me romantically.

Here’s what’s driving me nuts: she went from being with me romantically to cutting all of that out and wanting to be friends overnight. Literally. She didn’t even officially break up with me. I had to figure it out on my own and then get her to admit her feelings had changed. Of course my first reaction was to reject all contact with her. No one wants to be friend zoned a day after being involved with someone. Long story short, I am completely confused because now she is upset that I am acting like an “asshole” for not wanting to talk to her. My heart has been ripped out and she is upset because, and I quote, I could be handling this better. Which mean keeping our same routine, hanging out, being with her but not actually being WITH her.

She claims she is also upset but that she simply does not want to be in a relationship, “especially after all of the arguments.” Fine. It hurts but I can accept that. Then the next day she said she needed “space and time.” Code for break up, right? Then she wants to go to lunch with me like nothing is wrong?!

Is she playing a game? Am I supposed to be trying to win her back? All attempts are met with silence. Or is this really over and she can just be friends, just like that? I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANY help would be appreciated. I would be glad to go into more details.

Confused White Guy[/quote]

My two cents, if shes still talking to you, somethings wrong and shes trying to get her mind clear but shes not ready to let you go.

If shes made up her mind to leave you, she will not want much to do with you.

This may not be limited to TW ladies, but for some reason, women can tear you up and leave you for dead by the side of the road, but then get mad when you don’t respond when she reaches out to you.

In short ,no matter what hurtful things she said to you or about you, the fact that shes talking to you means that shes muddled up about what she feels about you. But in order to give your relationship a chance you have to reciprocate and hit the ball back when she serves one to you.

Shes trying to find reasons to be with you. Going cold on her will hurt her and further alienate her from you.

All you can do (provided you want her back) is to give and give and give and give. Maybe she wants out but needs time to get out. Or she is weighing the pros and cons of being with you . Or shes met with challenges from her family or other people and she needs to see if you will stay with her no matter what.

Women are weird creatures ! :slight_smile:

(they cant understand men either so they say)

How long have you been together with her romantically? I’ve dated a number of both Taiwanese and Western women, and this doesn’t sound like a specifically “Taiwanese women” issue, except that there is perhaps more of a tendency in Taiwanese social interactions to leave some things unsaid when to say them might feel awkward for one or both parties. But usually those things can be gauged from the context.

So, in my opinion, whether the way she has been handling this so far is culturally related shouldn’t be your main concern. She has already communicated by her actions that her feelings have changed. From that point you can approach this just as you would with a western women who tells you her feelings have changed, i.e. decide whether you really want her back romantically, and if so, then analyze why her feelings might have changed. Often in a situation like this there is another man – whether someone she has actually gotten involved with, or someone she is thinking of getting involved with. This would be awkward for her to tell you, so it is easier simply to say that her feelings have changed.

Of course, there might not be someone else. It could just be she was waiting for your relationship to progress another step, and you’ve been slow to take it. Or any number of other things. You’re in a better position than us to judge from the context, and then to decide what steps to take to get things back on track, or to just let it go.

Good luck getting the outcome you hope for.

Wow, talk about role reversal :laughing: Play or get played, or walk out of the game

Sadly while herpes can be forever, love often is NOT. Its a minefield out there. And its a volatile situation.

A Taiwan girl acting like this already has another guy on the line either locally or online.

Dumping someone out of the blue (from the perspective of the person being dumped it can often seem like that) and then hanging around for more shagging and friendship is something we used to do as kids in our late teens, early twenties. It was about wanting to get out of the relationship, but still not quite being ready to let go of the person as a friend (maybe you’ll miss something about them, or you don’t want to hurt them too bad, or you are a sociopath!), and then the realisation that you weren’t gonna boff this person anymore also set in, so you had a few goodbye shags into the bargain. It looks like she wants to leave you, but not quite yet. Is she is her early 20’s or not had many partners before you? That might explain the lingering. But unless you make some grand gesture to try and win her back you are seemingly in the fallout of a nuclear explosion, clinging (or not) to each other as the blast finally peters out. When a sun (star?) dies it goes cold on the outside, hot on the inside and expands and then explodes. Your relationship is a bit like that. To me.
Cultural difference would possibly have a small significant effect in the break up if this were displayed as a linear regression. It might factor in such items as the things you argued about together and the way you/she dealt with the arguments. However, any cultural propensity to certain behaviours within a relationship with regards to breaking up would be hard to define as terms. What could you measure? Length of breakup period, duration and intensity of arguing, average number of meetings in the first six weeks of break up? You’d then have to find that data for a lot of countries to know if there is any way to say, ‘this woman is more likely to dump you using approach X than that woman is.’ Otherwise you are just dipping through biased testimony and grouping together evidence to make a narrative with which you feel comfortable.

Hope you find a more suitable partner soon. :sunglasses:

In my opinion she wants to break up but likes the idea of a friend who is also a “big fan” of her. I say run. Run and don’t look back.

From what I can read, she wants a non exclusive relationship (OPEN RELATIONSHIP). She wants to continue dating you but at the same time she wants to have relationships with other men. She wants to keep you in the reserve bench until something better (in her opinion) comes her way. Only you can decide if this is for you. Does she extend the same privilege to you, can you see other women besides her?

OP here. Thank you for all of the feedback. Much of what was said has occurred to me and some hasn’t, so this thread has already been enlightening.

We dated for three months. There were (and are) a lot of complications. For instance, she is married to an American guy but seperated from him. They have to remain married for her to obtain her permanent status in a year. They do not live together. She also does the thing I have seen described here where a TW acts like a child. I was shocked at first because it was such a different side to her. Her voice changed and she literally acted like she was 10 years old. She only did this a few times when we were alone but does pout and stick her bottom lip out when she does not get what she wants. I saw it described somewhere as Bruce Willis’ girlfriend in Pulp Fiction. That is dead accurate. The only difference is that he was able to calm her down after she got upset with him and mine completely breaks down in tears and is unconsolable. Nothing works at this point. Talking to her and trying to work it out results in her questioning me and the entire relationship. I end up feeling like a monster over small issues that could have been talked out in 10 minutes. These finally took their toll (apparently) as she started acting much differently. I had been friendzoned and not even told so.

She is very attractive and wears borderline innappropriate clothing to work. She seems to thrive off of male attention. When I questioned how long she was going to treat me as just a friend, she acted offended and asked if friendship was not enough for me. She said she is worth a lot as a friend. Keep in mind this was the same conversation where it had dawned on me how bad things had gotten. Later that day I told her it was over and ignored her for two days. She sniped me with a few texts, saying I was acting like an asshole for ignoring her, that if I didn’t get what I wanted (to be with her) that I became a monster, etc. I told her I was trying to salvage my heart and needed some space. She said there is a better way to handle it; click into friendship mode. I don’t know how she can do this so easily.

Right now we are talking again and she has since said what I quote in my original post. That she needs time and space to “build up intimacy again.” With this said she has me on the hook again. Ugh. This has become so lopsided as I do have feelings for her.

Also, is it common for TW women to literally ignore things you say in an argument if it reflects badly on them somehow? Holy crap it’s insane. I would say something and she would continue like it had never come out of my mouth. Not one time, not once, has she ever admitted fault or even hinted that she may have misunderstood something or contributed to the issue. I was always the bad guy and she the victim.

Confused White Guy

Forget it OP, she’s bad news ,you’ll be over her soon enough and looking back and thinking ‘what the hell was I thinking!’

Let us help you rationalize because right now your brain is bathed by the L-O-V-E drug and it can’t figure this out for itself. You need to unplug that hormone addicted processor and let us be your brain while you kick it back to the reptilian hole where it belongs.

Both men and women can do this, and not just Taiwanese ones. If I were you I’d cut my losses and leave; who wants to be somebody’s back-up plan?

Find somebody who makes you happy, and you makes you feel worth something, and you actually puts you first.

In a way you are lucky she is leaving you an avenue of escape. But if you do want her. A few tips.

Dont be so hung up on “labels”. To a TW girl a “friend” or a “lover” is not much different. They can put you in different pidgeon holes in a new york second.

When she is being “cute” it means she needs attention (and they usually do need a lot of attention).
TW girls are not usually NOT needing attention. All the ones iv known needed quite a bit of it.

Shes flirty and she uses emotional control.

Shes a CAT and you are her MOUSE.

But if you are liking being a MOUSE (and some do) sometimes you can still ROAR.

And in the meantime if you can handle messing with a cat, it will certainly be exciting. Even hair raising. But it wont be boring.

p.s. if you do want her, dont ignor her. That will piss her off and she will “claw” you. You have to let her “win” if you want to get what YOU want.

[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]Both men and women can do this, and not just Taiwanese ones. If I were you I’d cut my losses and leave; who wants to be somebody’s back-up plan?

Find somebody who makes you happy, and you makes you feel worth something, and you actually puts you first.[/quote]

You can still win an oscar being a supporting actor. And it can still be a lot of fun. Some girls you really only want to be in a supporting role with (allows you an avenue to escape…they may be too much to handle full time).

Seriously I don’t know why you are even bothering with a girl like this. I hate those type of women worse than anything.

So you’ve found an immature slut who is playing games with you, and you want to let her walk all over you?

As I see it, you have two options:

  1. Be the doormat. Be. The. Doormat.
  2. Tell her you won’t put up with her behavior and don’t care what she does any more, and see if she comes crawling back to you. If she does, lay down the law. If she doesn’t, move on and find someone who isn’t a childish cocktease.

BTW, “borderline inappropriate clothing” is how most hot Taiwanese girls dress. Which is very, very nice of them, IMHO. They are not American landwhales who go around in sweatpants and crappy jackets and then whine that men should find them attractive despite their total lack of effort.

I have tried to break it off with her a couple of times when she put my heart on the line over minor issues but she has an amazing ability to make me doubt myself and my behavior. I end up feeling like the bad guy even though what I did, though minor, was made out to be a huge deal. It seemed like I had to crawl over broken glass for the stupidest shit, even though “technically” it was my fault. I finally got enough of it because I didn’t feel like myself anymore. So we went back and forth a few times and I guess she finally got enough of it. Or didn’t. I have no idea anymore. My head is spinning.

One thing that led up to one of the fights was what I perceived as a gradual cooling off from her physically. She was shrugging me off in bed when not long before that she had been sleping in my arms all night. This festered until one morning, after she gave me a bunch of shit for trying to get next to her and waking her up, I said something mildly angry and went to the bathroom. When I came back she was crying and telling me she could not believe I was treating her that way. She went on about “forcing my will on her” and something about guilting her into sex. Honestly it felt like I had tried to rape her or something. I went to get ready for work, and she finally did too, and I approached her again and tried to make her feel better but she rejected the attempt. Later she said that my perception of her cooling off physically was in my imagination. Was it? I don’t think so. Again, I sit here doubting everything.

[quote=“Geex1”]I have tried to break it off with her a couple of times when she put my heart on the line over minor issues but she has an amazing ability to make me doubt myself and my behavior. I end up feeling like the bad guy even though what I did, though minor, was made out to be a huge deal. It seemed like I had to crawl over broken glass for the stupidest shit, even though “technically” it was my fault. I finally got enough of it because I didn’t feel like myself anymore. So we went back and forth a few times and I guess she finally got enough of it. Or didn’t. I have no idea anymore. My head is spinning.

One thing that led up to one of the fights was what I perceived as a gradual cooling off from her physically. She was shrugging me off in bed when not long before that she had been sleping in my arms all night. This festered until one morning, after she gave me a bunch of shit for trying to get next to her and waking her up, I said something mildly angry and went to the bathroom. When I came back she was crying and telling me she could not believe I was treating her that way. She went on about “forcing my will on her” and something about guilting her into sex. Honestly it felt like I had tried to rape her or something. I went to get ready for work, and she finally did too, and I approached her again and tried to make her feel better but she rejected the attempt. Later she said that my perception of her cooling off physically was in my imagination. Was it? I don’t think so. Again, I sit here doubting everything.[/quote]

There are no prizes in life for sticking bad shit out. If you are ready… tell her to fuck off. Don’t rationalize it. Just accept that it is the end and move on.

Earth to Geex1…she’s manipulating you. Grow a pair and move on. Doing so will make her want you more and perhaps even cause her to assent to your perspective. Don’t let it fool you, you will continue this suffering as long as you join her in the delusion. Don’t look Medusa in the eyes and keep moving

On another note: I understand the attempt at a midnight feel, but don’t be surprised in the event it actually pisses off the girl you’re waking up from an otherwise peaceful sleep.